Everytime I see you falling...

I'm still here! The last week has been a bit of an emotional one for me and I've been trying to write a blog that isnt all depressing and sooky...
After pretty much sticking my head in the sand for the last 6 months things pretty much came to head on Monday when I was smacked in the face with reality. This last week I have shed a lot of tears, gone over things a million times and even at one point wished that I wouldnt wake up one morning. I know thats a pretty shit thing to say or think and I do know that I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life I just want to stop hurting.
I've spent a lot of time talking to some really good friends and getting some different perspectives on things and I have a fair idea of where I want to go. Let's just hope that things work out for the best.

Other then meltdowns, last week wasn't too bad. The next MP transformation challenge starts on the 1st of October so we're doing two weeks of ICE which suits me :) I did 3 boxing sessions and 1 session of shuttles. Normally I wouldnt have any issue but after being off sick for a week it was actually a lot harder then usual. Not that that would stop me. I'm really looking forward to the next challenge. I honestly believe that it will be my best yet and that I am going to actually hit my December body goal.  Granted I'm a lot closer to where I want to be in December then what I was for the Hawaii bikini body, but I'm going to hit it anyway :) 
I had a fabulous weekend meeting  new friends and going out with the girls from work afterwards. Drank an absolutely ridiculous amount of alcohol (Im surprised I didnt get seriously sick) which I sort of regret but not too much. The important thing is I enjoyed myself and it helped take a bit of the edge off whats going on with my head.

Today was a relatively great day.. My kids were really good, my boss let me out of work half an hour early and I got to spend some time chasing up another pair of workout pants. Granted a few things had happened to bring me down but I still have no idea why at the end of yet another awesome session I had to walk out and find a quiet spot to sit down and sort of cry. D being as awesome as he is asked whats going on and I gave him a very brief outline. That was when I realised exactly how much I had on my mind! A shitload!!! Am I slipping in my standard with my sessions? Is everything that is going on  worth all the heartache or should I just walk away? Do I really realise how much I am worth? Am I being treated as such? How can I move on? How do I stop this awful feeling in my heart? Am I going to reach my goals?  Why am I getting so sick when I've been doing so well with my compliance? Why do I get the stupid feelings of being a thorn in peoples sides? My biggest worry is that I'm going to forget how wonderful the people in my life are and that I'll slip back into the old and familiar pattern or trying to destroy myself. I don't want to be that person. It's been a year and a half since I was in hospital for attempting to overdose on sleeping pills. I dont want to put my friends and family through that again and I do want to live. Just sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just go to sleep and not wake up.
I have a week to pull my head out of my ass and snap out of this funk. While I've been going strong and 70% positive there's that 30% of that stupid lying voice in my head trying to plant seeds of doubt in myself.. While I have an amazing support network I sometimes wonder if they are just cheering me on to be nice and then I realise thats the bullshit stupid lying voice trying to get me down.  But like my friend posted on my status on Facebook
 'Every day has its ups and downs
You think you’re lost
You will be found
Most of us want the same old things
Someone to love
What it brings
I know it’s hard it gets tough sometimes
You gotta hold on, like a carousel
Going around and around and around and around'
I'll hold on, I'll get through this. I have before and this time I will come out stronger.... 

I'll leave with this quote from Albus Dumbledore which I often remind myself of...  "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light"
Next one will be more positive promise :)
 

I came, I ran, I conquered..

Hey! I'm not dead I'm still here! Sorry for the lack of posts. Life has been busy with training home stuff, finishing my cert 3 in children's services   (WOOHOO!!) and being SICK! (BOO!) I have been writing blog posts in my head for over a week I just havent had the motivation or time to do it! LOL I do have some really awesome news though...
Ever since I started running 2 years ago I really wanted to do the Bridge to Brisbane. Unfortunately my neck injury in 2010 prevented it from happening that year and my poor fitness level and weight gain prevented me from doing it last year. 
Despite being disheartened from my Mothers Day classic run I not only ran the Bridge to Brisbane but I did the 10km! And if I say so myself I think I did an absolutely amazing job! 79 minutes and 19 seconds!!! Pretty f**king awesome considering I had never run 10k before, didnt train for it  and the maximum time limit for my category was 85 minutes!! I also ran for 99% only slowing down between the 8 and 9 km mark. I have to say a very big thank you to the superhuman Rachael from MP Life transformations (the studio where I train now) for not only running by my side the whole way but for keeping me motivated and inspired with her awesome amount of energy (seriously Rach made it look so easy!). While I have every confidence I would've finished it I doubt my time wouldve been as awesome without her and I will be forever grateful.

Last week was a bit rough with me being sick. D has been pushing for me to 'rest' and I have been pushing to train. With the gains from last measurements not a mere memory yet, I am still absolutely paranoid of gaining more even though my food has been pretty good. (Despite the few drinks and a missed meal Saturday) I was feeling fine by Friday so I went to boxing (which was so much fun as it always is!) and pushed myself a little too hard... See, that and the not much sleep on Friday night put me back at square one and I am now home with bacterial tonsillitis. (BOO!) I've spent yesterday and today in bed just sleeping on and off and drinking lots of liquids. Food hasnt been so fabulous today and to be quite honest I'm not that worried. I figure as long as I'm still feeding ym body it won't do much damage. That and I cant swallow much except cold liquids (which was really hard this morning). A really funny (well for everyone else not me) part of me being sick if my face has just puffed up!!! I m talking like my eyes look like tiny dots in a big moon and when I wake up I have trouble opening them. To be honest after looking like this the whole day I'm finding the funny side to it despite my skin feeling so stretched out it's on fire. I will feel so much thinner when it's gone down lol. I dont think I'll be training much this week I think I've pushed my body too far and think it's time to rest properly and get better...

Other then that things have been rather uneventful.I'm going to leave this here and get some sleep..