I am here

I apologise for not posting as I said I would. The day after my wedding anniversary my Nana from my biological father's side passed away.
While it was a blessing for her, Nanas passing was not only a shock but also a moment that has made me re-evaluate my views and decisions.  While I do not regret staying in Brisbane to look after my niece while her sister was being delivered at Christmas, I do regret not making the time to go and see Nana and Granddad. This is something that I tortured myself with until other things occurred.
I flew down to Sydney on Friday the 16th for Nanas funeral which was also Granddad Beckett's 92nd birthday. On the Monday morning I got a call saying Granddad had had a bad turn and may not make it. I met up with my Aunty C and Uncle M and together we went to see Granddad. To see my Granddad laying on a bed looking frail broke my heart.  We spent some time with him, said goodbye and left. You can only imagine my delight to see Granddad awake and out of his room for his birthday party.  My brother J2 (I have two brothers with J names so they will be J1 and J2. J2 is my father and step mothers son. I am awfully fond and proud of him even though we dont know each other well. He is a good guy and he always remembers to txt me for my birthday!) and I took Granddad back to his room when he got too tired and had had some of his birthday cake. While we were waiting for the nurse to put him to bed I sat with Granddad and talked to him about his day. He placed his hand on mine, squeezed it looked me in the eyes and smiled. Until my dying day I will carry and cherish that memory. I wish I could take that moment and make it into a photograph.
Granddad went to sleep that night and never woke again. He kept going though which is why I chose to extend my stay here in Sydney. I went to see him on Friday and spent a few hours reading him the paper.. I realised on that very day that the most positive section of a newspaper is the sports section. My Granddad learned on that day that his girly granddaughter really loves the Western Sydney Wanderers.
My step mum came and we chatted for hours exchanging stories about Granddad while I stroked his hair. His hair was silky on top but coarse on the sides. Granddad gave me a few moments of heart failure when he stopped breathing. But he eventually took another breath and I left with the hope that not only would I see him Sunday but that he would keep going after I left on the Tuesday. Unfortunately that wasn't so.
On Saturday I went to the city with my Mum and Dad who had arranged for us to have dinner at my FAVOURITE restaurant. Because we had time to burn, we went shopping in QVB  stopping at my FAVOURITE  shop (Victoria's Secret). Just before I went to pay for my purchases J2 rang and gave me the news about Granddad. Sadly, Granddad had gone.
I extended my stay and tomorrow we put my Granddad to rest with Nana. The blessing is that they are together again. After Nana passed Granddad saw her around so we knew she was waiting for him.... Even though they are at peace and aren't suffering, the effect that everything that has happened has knocked myself and my paternal family for 6. I have been trying very hard to stay strong and the closer it gets to the funeral, the harder it gets.
I do not regret staying with Granddad.  Not at all. Not one bit.  But watching someone you love slowly die and become a frail shell is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and that is why in a small way, I am glad that I didn't see Nana when she passed.
The positive in this is that I have grown closer to my Aunty C, reconnected with my Uncle M, met my Aunty S and her awesome partner (who will forever be my chocolate pudding buddy)) and have also had better communication with my father J2 and his family.
I am going to try to keep it together the best I can tomorrow.  I have organised an Australian native floral wreath for Grandads coffin and I have an Australian flag to go with it. I am still deciding which poem to read as I feel that the two I am stuck choosing between are both beautiful. I guess Granddad will be pleased with it....
so that is why I have been absent. I want to take the time to thank my beautiful family, frienmily and friends for their love and suppprt during this really hard time. Your love and support has kept me going and I am forever grateful for it.
I have still been training during this time and my nutrition has been ok. I will update soon but for now I need to get through tomorrow,  get back to Brisbane and then grieve properly while getting back into my routine.  Please pray or send positive vibes to my family. Thanks x