It makes me smile....

Feeling a lot happier and in a more positive place this last week.. Have had a few things stressingme out but nothing really worth worrying about.
Thursday night I started the ball rolling to do the Bridge to Brisbane 10k run. I was hoping to join the team from the MP Life transformation studio but technology is against me so I'm going it individual (which is ok as I can just put my iPod on and run :)) . I have also decided to use this run to help raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in QLD. You might be wondering why I decided Cystic Fibrosis and not something like cancer (especially after my little scare) or even the heart foundation (which is also a VERY important cause to me) well, for those of you who don't know much about me or my family my Mum is one of the absolutely fabulous nurses at Westmead Children's Hospital. She has been there for a very long time and over the many years she has been there has looked after a lot of kids most of whom have CF.Over her time she has connected with a lot of kids and unfortunately lost some. It absolutely breaks my heart to see how my Mum's heart breaks when she does.  When we go to visit my Nana's grave we usually go and visit two of her 'boys' who never made it and it's really sad to think that someone so young didn't get to realise their full potential. So I'm doing it in memory of those kids and for those who have survived and have grown to be inspirational and wonderful adults. So if you would like to donate or spread my page online the link is : http://fundraise.bridgetobrisbane.com.au/vanessa_harris so far I have raised $160 thanks to the support of my awesome parents (who both left messages that made me laugh and cry), my baby brother and one my brothers from another mother... 
Sessions last week have been good. MP don't have a leg press so D is making me do an exercise which is similar. I don't like it but I'm willing to bet I'll be loving it once I have it perfected. I still dislike split squats (which unfortunately I still have to do). Can bench  32.5 for 10 reps so going up next week. Food has been good.. Well in my opinion it has been a lot better then last week but we shall see what my compliance is...
Group session on Friday was absolutely SMASHING!!!  Luke does boxing sessions for group on Friday evenings and has now won the title of  the 'most hardest trainer' which is totally wicked!!! I was more sweaty then usual and for the first time in a very long time came close to being sick. LOVE IT!!! At this rate those 13cms and extra kilo aren't going to be around for long. 
After a big night on the grog Saturday night I was feeling a little guilty and fat.. So I got out my 3/4 pants and tried them on. I can still get the Dereon ones up but not done and I still fit into the size 9 and 11 Baby Phats but the 9 is a tad tight. It made me feel a lot better :) My goal for the end of the next challenge is to ge into the Rocawear ones and actually get them done up. 
I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Here's hoping for heavier and correct lifts and an awesome compliance!!! 
Have an awesome day everyone!!!

And up I get again....

As with every other DEXA/measurement day I am not happy with the results. Only change is I would absolutely love to be swallowed up into the ground right about now.
For the first time EVER I have gains... I have gained a total of 13cm allover my body, 1 kilo of body fat and 1 kilo of lean muscle. The positive in this is that I GAINED 1 KILO OF LEAN MUSCLE WOO!
I just feel like all that hard work I put in before Hawaii was pointless. Ok maybe not.. I did look awesome it was just the aftermath that stuffed it all up... I've been struggling with staying on track and hitting the dedication I had before Hawaii. I just can't seem to get over the whole not getting where I wanted to be. I worked SO HARD and I was so good.. I put in everything and it still wasnt good enough.
The funny thing was I went into the DEXA place feeling optimistic even though my measurements were crap. I guess I can be proud of the fact that everything was pretty much the same. 

I've been running through everything I;ve put in my mouth (whether it's in my food diary or not) and I'm starting to see why it turned out the way it did. Peanut Buttercups (even though they were dark chocolate ones), Dark Chocolate overdose, Alcohol, Sausage rolls, High energy carbs outside a window (not alot but a few times), malteasers.... Those are definately the offending sins... 

So where to from here? I'm not going to lie.. I was tempted to tell D that I didnt want to do this anymore but if I'm honest, that wouldn't make me happy. I don't want to give up. I have hope and faith that I can lose those 13cms and then some. I just need to find my groove. Tomorrow morning I'm having a goal setting session with D. I'm kinda hoping that tomorrow will bring my old drive back. I just dont know why this is happening and it's absolutely annoying the hell out of me. I don't want to be like this. I want to be where I was before Hawaii with my eating and training. Noone can lose this weight and gain the muscle for me, I have to do it myself. The next transformation challenge is in October. I'm GOING to pull my shit together and win this one. I am going to lose that 13cms and more and that kilo of fat will be nothing but a distant memory. I will have that bikini body for summer....

So here's the latest progress photos... I'm trying to pick differences and see if I look as fat as I feel but honestly I dont see it... 

 As always it's about the gun show :)

 At least my bum doesnt look so big lol

 See I dont see the gains in my tummy (phew)

Why is it I always look squinty and asian in my photos???
No matter how shit the numbers are I am grateful to be on this journey... Thanks to my snotface for answering the phone listening and saying the right things...  You are right this is just a tiny bump in the journey... I love you xxx Thanks to D for putting up with my tears  and as always throwing the right questions at me...You are definitely THE greatest trainer in the universe!!! One day there will be no need for tissues on measurement day hey? LOL Rachael and Luke, thank you for the awesome chat today you guys are awesome and I love hanging with you guys :) I look forward to many more awesome chats and sessions with you :) and saving one of the best for last Sean, thanks so so much for making me laugh this afternoon... I'm so glad you have a muscley bum otherwise my poor legs would've been stuffed LOL ♥

Changes.....

I AM SICK!!! Well not so sick anymore the antibiotics seems to be kicking in and I dont feel like I'm going to die... But I am not very well.. Serves me right for bragging about not getting really sick this winter... I was lucky to catch in time before it became any worse!! I have a sinus and ear infection... BOO! I had Thursday off work went  in on Friday only to feel like I had been hit by a truck. I was lucky that we were overstaffed and that my boss was kind enough to send me home early... I came home and did a dying swan impression for about 30 minutes before getting up and making dinner. as DH has abandoned me and the furbabies yet again for 3 months. WOOHOO!!! NO MORE BAD FOOD IN MY HOUSE!!! NO MORE STUPID MAN VS FOOD SHOWS AND NO TRUE BLOOD BAN!!!!!  Not that I don't love my husband, I do very much. I'm just so used to not having him around that it throws me out and the furbabies love him the most when he's home...  Everything is now back in balance and I can focus on my food and training again..
This morning marked the beginning of change... DRok has moved over to an awesome studio over in New Farm. He held a morning boxing session this morning which I went to instead of Newstead Park with Jazza. IT FELT EXTREMELY WEIRD! Not because it was weird as it wasn't, it was just a big change in my routine and everyone who knows me knows how I am with change... Ironic considering DH's career and the amount of change it brings into our lives but then again I have always been strange like that... 
The new studio isnt within  quick walking distance from my work so I have to get a bus but it's not that far away AND the bus trip is actually not too bad (except for the dickhead driver on the 375 from the hospital to the Valley. Not only was he LATE he kept slamming the brakes, and stopped at the wrong stops!) I dont plan on buses for much longer though. This morning was enough to give me the kick in the ass I needed to go get some lessons and get my frikking license. Seriously I went off my brain when I got to the bus stop and realised I missed my connecting bus to the studio the worst part was one of the people at the bus stop was going to the same session!!!! 
Anyway, I made it in one piece and the session was awesome. I didn't pass out!!!! Yet another sign I'm getting better!!! I really like the new studio, it's a lovely environment to train in and the owners are lovely and are just awesome.. This is one change that I will adapt rather easily to :)  The only thing I'm sad about is that they dont have a leg press so the goal of hitting 250 might have to be shifted back and another goal for legs put in place... But I'll deal with that when we start another cycle. Speaking of MP cycles, I've decided that I want to give the MP transformation challenge a go. I figure since DH will be away I'll be able to focus 100% and be the machine I was when he was overseas. I'm also getting some ideas on what goals I want to achieve during the cycle. I know I want to hit 60 kilos on the bench press (was originally higher until I told D and we had a discussion on why it's harder to do extremely heavy weight on the bench (in other words he talked some sense into my crazy ass)) and I know I want to shed another 5 kilos of body fat. But I have time to think about it all so I'm not stressing out..
I have been putting together motivation boards for around the house... I have put one up in my kitchen and bought one for my bedroom. I then decided today I needed a bigger one for my bedroom and will put the smaller one either in the study or replace one of DH's paintings in the hallway... If it were up to me I'd replace all the paintings with photo frames or motivation boards but somehow I think that would get me in a trouble... Here's the one in the kitchen:

I absolutely love it. I have put up a photo taken when I got the Prestige Champion trophy as a reminder that I am a champion. Lately I havent really been feeling like one... I think I put it down to not feeling well and comparing myself to others (which I am not going to do anymore!!).. Everyone's weight loss journey is different and I have to keep remembering that I am so much better then what I was last year. I am fitter healthier (no chest infections this winter!!) and I am definitely stronger!!!!  Here's a progress shot from October last year until June this year:

 In the new studio they have motivation and goal posters made by the people who go there. D has said I should make one for the studio which I might do later down the track... 
I can't believe I've been back in Australia for a month today... I will definitely do a post on Hawaii this week sometime (I'm on holidays I have time:P)

Have an awesome weekend everyone I'm off to grab something to eat and do my motivation boards... Ciao for now!!!

Fall down 7 times, get up 8...

I don't think my ass has hit the floor as much as it has the last few weeks. 
I'm at an absolute loss as to why I'm struggling so much. Today I walked into work and my group leader asked (in a very nice way) "Have you put weight on?" I honestly wanted to melt into the floor and die. Seriously, I haven't been as strict as usual (I had a sausage roll TWO  DAYS IN A ROW LAST WEEK!) but my food has been pretty good and I've been keeping up with my sessions giving it everything I can despite not feeling 100%. Of course being a chick I then went to all of my friends at work and asked the question "Do I look like I've put anything on? Please be honest I need to know" I love my friends. They are amazing. Two of them said "No" and when I gave them my doubting look I got "I am your friend I wouldn't lie to you". R's response was what I needed to hear. "I am your friend and I love you but ever since DH came home you haven't been your usual dedicated self. You haven't been as strict with your eating but you are worrying over nothing." Those weren't her exact words but it was pretty close  and she is 100% right. I think that conversation, the 'breakdown' from yesterdays session and the tears after tonights group session are what I needed to get my shit back together.
So what happened yesterday? I went to my session and was all normal (well as normal as I can get lol).. D got out the rower and we started rowing. Then out of nowhere (and I seriously have no idea where it came from) I stopped rowing and told him that "This just isnt going to work. We need to figure out a new goal or something cause this isnt going to work." So instead of doing hardcore rowing for 20 minutes I rowed and we talked about what was going on in my head, why I thought what I did and if I believed that I would make progress because in the end mindset can hold you back. Not saying everything is 100% again but it gave me enough to smash it through the rest of the session. D suggested making up a motivation board, so in true Ness style I flew home, made DH drive me to officeworks and bought TWO decent sized corkboards. One for my kitchen the other for my bedroom. I then went through and started gathering motivational pictures I have shared, posted or pinned on Facebook and Pinterest. There are ALOT! I haven't finished the first one yet and I am thinking of rearranging it but it's helping. I'm starting to get my groove back. 
Today's group with Sean was good... I don't know if I was at my usual standard of awesomeness (Sean knew something was up) but by the end of it I was still sweaty and I'm pretty sure my eyeballs were steamy... I absolutely love my boxing sessions with Sean. We work hard and afterwards he and I walk along the waterfront and part ways at the studio (except tonight I needed a microwave) and we always have awesome conversations. I love getting Sean's view on things. He is really switched on and is learning so much I often forget that I am so much older then him :)  Between D and Sean I am very lucky to have access to such awesome trainers who are also frienmily (and of course Iceman and Jazza... I just spend more time with D and Sean :))  You gotta love a guy who doesnt freak out when a chick starts crying randomly lol.

So where to from here? Tomorrow is a new day. I have started my goal of getting my meals right and I am going to try and get every week at least 82% compliance (not that I'm submitting an efile or anything like that but I know what high compliance weeks should be. I did so many of them it isn't hard for me to get it right.) I'm going to finish my motivation boards and put them up. I have put the progression pic D made up for me as my cover photo on Facebook. Some people asked if I was doing it for attention or comments but to be honest I did it so every time I get onto Facebook I can see with my own two eyes how far I've come. Yes, it has been a slow process and it's going to take time to get where I want to be but I have to remember that it is a healthier and more sustainable way of being where I want to be. Rome wasn't built in a day etc etc. I also did it to prove to MYSELF that despite what the lying son of a bitch voice in my head says I CAN DO IT! I have gone from butterball to semi foxy chick so far, I can only keep going! 
Remember 

I am going to keep posting the motivational quotes and pictures on my Facebook.  I am also going to print and pu this quote on my boards

"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
-Anonymous

I thought I'd post a few of my motivational pics I found online up so that I can look back on them if I'm out and about.
I will not give up.I will get up dust my ass off and keep going. I will succeed and one of these days I will look back and laugh at my stupidity. 
Have an awesome night everyone!

A new week a new start

Ok, so I haven't gone nuts I'm still here and not in a loony bin. It's just been hella crazy trying to adjust to having DH home especially when he goes and does something crazy like BUY A CAR! Not exactly thrilled but am warming to the whole thing (have no choice it's name is Klaus and it has kicked Emmatron out of the garage)... 
So since my little meltdown last entry I have been living a roller coaster. Everyday I have opened my eyes and said to myself "Today is going to be a good day. I will get at least 6 meals in and they are going to be metabolically precise. I am not going to eat anything with high energy carbs unless it's in a window and I will eat every three hours" Sadly, it hasnt happened everyday like I have hoped. Yes, being sick hasn't helped but I also should have more faith in myself. I'm a little ashamed that I can go from 82% minimum compliance to where I was this week. If I had to hazard a guess I'd say 50% if I was lucky. 
Today I have planned a little better and will be doing my cooking after posting this. I could blame DH for causing more work for me and not helping but that's just an excuse. What am I going to say when there isn't a war/a course/ a bush exercise or some other work thing for him to go to? How am I going to go when he is home for longer then two weeks? Yes, he makes things difficult with the lack of support, taking up the room in my fridge and freezer and bringing shit food into the house but he isn't putting it in my stomach. I've been really good and haven't indulged to any level of craziness food wise but I'm not going to lie and say it isnt tempting. In the end I am accountable for my own actions and the food I put into my body. I am considering tainting all his bad food with something gross though hehehehe :)
I am also going to put together a pin board in my kitchen with pictures and motivational quotes and sayings. I am going to try (TRY being the keyword there) to stop comparing myself and my results to other people and to remember to FOCUS ON THE CHANGES TO SEE THE RESULTS!!!! I was looking at one of the weight loss pages on FB and started feeling really bad about myself. I thought about it and stopped myself... The conversation in my head went sort of like this:
'NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!
I might not have my bikini body, I might not have the crazy fast results alot of people I know have been getting but I am fitter, healthier and stronger then I was this time last year.... I can leg press 200 kilos even though I have a shit knee and I can bench press 40 kilos despite my neck problem. I can fit into a size 12 for some clothes but size doesnt really matter as no two companies have the same measurements for size. I may not be skinny but I HAVENT BEEN REALLY SICK THIS WINTER!!!'
Seriously this and the stomach inflammation incident have been the worst I have been all winter and that is the first time for as long as I can remember! Last winter I had a chest infection so bad they thought it was pneumonia and even tested for emphysema (I had 'quit' smoking to a packet every 4 days). That was some very scary shit I tell you that much! I have also come to realise that it has taken me 5 years to get this fat it's not going to just fall off overnight. I am doing the best that I can and am giving it 200% I even ATE BROCCOLINI! My eating is 100% healthier then what it was and my views on fitness and health have changed dramatically.
Training this week has been good.. Thursday was a killer boxing session with DRok and yesterdays ICE session with Jazza was AWESOME!!! I didnt feel like pasing out after either and was even feeling a little better until going to my friends 21st last night. A few hours in the cold night air has my nose a little runny and the second hand smoke wasn't too helpful either. Oh well nothing that keeping warm, good food and rest won't be able to fix :) I'm looking forward to this coming week as I go on leave the week after and it's my last week before DEXA. So this will be my hardest strongest week.. Gotta love those last minute pre-measurement sessions...

 "Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives." -Anthony Robbins

 "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to
continue that counts."-Winston Churchill 

. It's not how many times you fall that matters it's how many times you get back up and keep going . Believe in yourself! You can have a massive amount of people who believe in you (I know that I am lucky enough to have many people who do) but if you don't have belief in yourself what is going to give you that drive? People can support you but they can't do it for you
I better go do some cooking and stuff.. Have an awesome night everyone and thanks for your support :) x