Back on the merry-go-round

One of the hardest things is admitting you need help. So on Saturday I took a leap of faith and went to see a new psychologist. I did another DAS test and scored extremely severe for Depression and Anxiety (no surprises there. My anxiety has been so out of whack I have been getting these god awful chest pains). Surprisingly I was moderate for stress (go me! I thought I was a lot more stressed out than I am!)
When I was first diagnosed with depression I thought that maybe one day I would be cured. That one day the depression and anxiety would be gone and I would be 'normal'. I honestly thought that I had turned a corner, that I have dealt with it, that I was close to the light at the end of the tunnel......At the moment it isn't so....I have been so caught up in trying to make other people happy and trying to be what people expect me to be that I haven't been very kind to myself. I have been doing a lot of negative talk lately, always comparing myself to others and always ending up feeling like a failure, a loser. I feel like sometimes I just can't keep going, that I'm not good enough and it really really sucks. Now I am sitting here trying to evaluate and plan how I can chase this black dog away but it seems like it just won't go....

On Saturday I also did my first ever Parkrun! Wasn't great. I struggled as it was my first run since January 28th and my ankle was a little touchy. I intend on doing it again on Saturday. Practice makes perfect right? 
After seeing a photo of myself from Parkrun and after the run itself, I am more motivated to work on my nutrition. I have prepped my meals (including salad and vegies) for the week and will sit down at lunch tomorrow to plan my meals, gym workouts and everything else. I was getting some good sleep but after having my band aids taken off to examine my 'wounds' I am having trouble sleeping again. Over the next few weeks I will work on getting rid of things I no longer use or need as well as organising the house the way I want it. I am also going to try and update this blog at least once a week. So to the reader that constantly messages asking for updates, Thank you! You keep me motivated! :)
Despite being in the dark place I am currently in, I am extremely grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. My beautiful frienmily, my friends both off and online and my Mum have been such a wonderful support, I honestly dread to think where I would be without them. If any of you are reading this, thank you. I don't think there are words that can properly describe my love and gratitude for you and everything that you do.