Just another Manic Monday...

Still on the couch with this stupid ankle so haven't been doing much training wise which is absolutely killing me. I am trying to hard to stay positive and focused on the things I can do but some days I just can't do it. I'm starting to freak out about putting fat back on. I'm really concerned that I won't shed the 9 kilos of fat that I promised myself I would shed by the end of this 12 week challenge. Right now I'm sitting here about to cry because I'm just so disappointed in myself.
I've also noticed that I'm starting to fall back into the old routine that I had when I lived in Newcastle while DH was in Singleton. I'm not sleeping, I stay at home (which can't be helped due to my stupid ankle) and I spend waaaaaay too much time on the computer. I'm glad that I have noticed it now before it became a massive problem like last time.

On a good note though, I have been spending a lot of time just chilling with my furbabies. Today we all had an afternoon snooze at the same time. Puppy on her inside bed at the foot of the lounge and Kitty on top of the lounge near my head. It might seem weird to some people but I thought it was really sweet. I don't have human children of my own to love so I love my furbabies instead. God knows how they are going to cope when I go back to work though... I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it. I also went and did a glamour photography session on Saturday. Angela and Jackie did such an amazing job, I can't believe that it's me in the sneak peek photos! It couldn't have been timed better either. Just when I was starting to feel gross and ugly I have been given this absolutely HUGE boost! Here's one of the two that have been put up:

A massive thank you to Angela from Grace Makeup and Jackie from Sullivan Portraits for this beautiful picture.
 

Can you believe that the woman in that picture is me??? I can't.. I keep thinking it's all a dream and that I'll wake up and see what I think I am... But when I pinch myself it hurts and I realise that I can be beautiful, I just need to open my eyes.

One of the only shows I watch on 'normal' TV came back yesterday evening and for once I can actually fully understand how the contestants feel. I'm talking about The Biggest Loser. I was absolutely shocked to see that a girl 10 years younger then me is only 10 kilos heavier... Talk about a wake up call! While I am perfectly aware that the scales don't account for much since they don't tell you how much is fat and how much is muscle, it still bothers me to be where I am especially after training so long and so hard. Another thing that bothers me is the reaction some people have to this show. When Brett got on the scales and was told that he was officially the biggest competitor, someone said "Shouldn't they just say you are officially the fattest fatty in Australia." I don't think I've ever been so disgusted in my life! I find it hard to get on the scales with only my trainer looking, they thought of doing it on NATIONAL TELEVISION makes me want to throw up with fear! I think it's brave and admirable to get up and do something like that no matter what your reasons for doing it are. I tell you what though I would totally do anything The Commando says (within reason lol) Tonight's episode was the first training session for everyone. I had a little bit of a giggle because it reminded me of my first session with DRok. While D wasn't a mean hard ass like Michelle, Shannan and the Commando, I do remember being made to go so hard on that stupid rowing machine I nearly threw up!  Seems I have come a long way since those days although I honestly don't feel like I've lost as much as I should've...
I have joined the shows site and have made a promise to myself. I plan on losing 10 kilos of fat by the end of June and I have promised not to give up on myself.  So no matter what life throws at me I am going to have faith in myself and my ability to achieve my goals.  Keep your fingers and toes crossed and watch this space!

Why hello there!

I'm still around but have ben so busy with training, work and just life that I haven't really had time to spare. And to be honest I have been rather unmotivated.
Right now I have been stuck on the lounge since Saturday night. I went for a run Saturday afternoon and wound up stacking it hardcore. Instead of doing the smart thing and going home I got up rotated my foot, walked it off and kept running. I ran 3k in 22 minutes but wound up getting home and finding out I'd stuffed my ankle. I went and saw a Dr on Monday and after ruling out fracture have concluded it's ligament sprain. It's been getting better but right now it's hurting like all hell. The dog has been so excited that DH returned home early from a bush exercise that she knocked and stood on my ankle/foot 3 times. I also did a bit of walking yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow the Dr gives me a clearance to go back to work next week!

Training has been so so... I kind of hit a wall at the beginning of the year after working my ass off and not getting the result that I thought I deserved. It was a little like the Hawaii goal all over again. I wound up having a chat with DRok and I think I have my groove back.... Being injured hasn't helped but I'm trying to stay positive and keep my nutrition up. I have noticed my belly shrinking a little too. 
So I'll post some progress pics. The first lot were taken on the 14h January in week 1 if the Transformation Challenge. The second lot were taken during week 6 on the 19th February 2 days before my birthday :)

 I don't know if you can really see the difference but I know I can... I stood side on and looked in the mirror just before hopping in the shower (something I don't really like to do as you can't hide the truth without a shirt and pants to hide under) and noticed my belly has shrunk.. I noticed some stretch marks on my tummy and before I let my mind go into that dark horrible place where I tell myself I look awful, I focused on how different I look compared to the last time I took photos (not that they will ever be posted here!) and how I'm starting to see the effort of all that hard work. I bought a tshirt from Soundwave two weekends ago and when I went into the toilets to put it on it was really tight... Since I'm feeling a little down about missing so much training I tried the t shirt on again and it fits rather nicely! 

On top of all this training news, DH and I were blessed with a gorgeous baby niece in January! She is an absolutely adorable little bub and we both love her very much. I have to say though, since she was born I've been VERY clucky. DH is probably thanking his lucky stars that I have so many goals (both life and health and fitness wise)  that I want to achieve before having babies. :)

I hope you all had an amazing start to the new year and look forward to hearing about your goals for 2013 and how you are going with achieving them... I'll post mine next time... I'm off to go wake my DH up and eat some dinner...  I'll leave you with this quote
 'No one has been defeated until defeat has been accepted as reality'- Bruce Lee

So keep working hard and stay positive! :)

It's that time again..

I have been so busy with work and training and just life in general that I haven't had the time or energy to sit down and write a decent post. I apologise for that..  I did love the messages I received asking about my next post though, thanks guys for taking the time to not only read my ramblings but to actually care! ;)

So where to begin?  This transformation challenge had been a crazy rollercoaster ride. I've had crap weeks, great weeks and mediocre weeks. I lifted weights even though my neck was playing up and felt so much better afterwards... I would have to say that moving studios with my trainer was the best thing I couldve done. Nothing against the old place but the MP seems to be a studio where I feel like I fit in. The ICE sessions are amazing and it's nice to have other people there. I'm being challenged and I have met some really amazing people who I enjoy being around and are such an amazing support! 

Yesterday was measurement day (da da duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!) and for the first time ever I didnt cry AND I WAS RELATIVELY HAPPY WITH MY RESULTS!!!  I know I'm shocked too ;)  Even more shocking is the fact that I am extremely excited about going to get my DEXA scan in 6 weeks!!!! Can't wait to see the progress % wise!! Things are starting to come around though despite the last two weeks not being the absolute best. Having DH home is taking a fair amount of adjusting to. It's thrown my usual routine out of whack and I'm getting really frustrated with a few things. But I guess that's to be expected after 8 months apart. He's flipped from being super supportive back to anti MP which is normal but a tad upsetting. Nevermind, my results speak for themselves. It's highly likely I won't be going home for R's 16th birthday either. I'm trying really hard to see this as an oppportunity to get even better results before going home and knocking everyones socks off but it just makes me sad to know that I'll miss out. Oh well, at least it's not his 18th.. I'd be walking home to get to that! LOL

So I'll post my measurement results and my latest progress photos. I've got to get to bed as I have to be up early tomorrow morning and need to get all my stuff together and go to sleep! I will do another post on the weekend about all the fun and exciting stuff I've been up to ;)

Back Week 6 8/11/12

Side Week 6 8/11/12

Front Week 6 8/11/12

My lovely lady guns, check em out!!! ;)

My measurement results.... Feeling good about this challenge!!!! Watch this space for even more loss!

Ignore the age in the last pic... My trainer likes to tell my efile fibs ;)

Everytime I see you falling...

I'm still here! The last week has been a bit of an emotional one for me and I've been trying to write a blog that isnt all depressing and sooky...
After pretty much sticking my head in the sand for the last 6 months things pretty much came to head on Monday when I was smacked in the face with reality. This last week I have shed a lot of tears, gone over things a million times and even at one point wished that I wouldnt wake up one morning. I know thats a pretty shit thing to say or think and I do know that I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life I just want to stop hurting.
I've spent a lot of time talking to some really good friends and getting some different perspectives on things and I have a fair idea of where I want to go. Let's just hope that things work out for the best.

Other then meltdowns, last week wasn't too bad. The next MP transformation challenge starts on the 1st of October so we're doing two weeks of ICE which suits me :) I did 3 boxing sessions and 1 session of shuttles. Normally I wouldnt have any issue but after being off sick for a week it was actually a lot harder then usual. Not that that would stop me. I'm really looking forward to the next challenge. I honestly believe that it will be my best yet and that I am going to actually hit my December body goal.  Granted I'm a lot closer to where I want to be in December then what I was for the Hawaii bikini body, but I'm going to hit it anyway :) 
I had a fabulous weekend meeting  new friends and going out with the girls from work afterwards. Drank an absolutely ridiculous amount of alcohol (Im surprised I didnt get seriously sick) which I sort of regret but not too much. The important thing is I enjoyed myself and it helped take a bit of the edge off whats going on with my head.

Today was a relatively great day.. My kids were really good, my boss let me out of work half an hour early and I got to spend some time chasing up another pair of workout pants. Granted a few things had happened to bring me down but I still have no idea why at the end of yet another awesome session I had to walk out and find a quiet spot to sit down and sort of cry. D being as awesome as he is asked whats going on and I gave him a very brief outline. That was when I realised exactly how much I had on my mind! A shitload!!! Am I slipping in my standard with my sessions? Is everything that is going on  worth all the heartache or should I just walk away? Do I really realise how much I am worth? Am I being treated as such? How can I move on? How do I stop this awful feeling in my heart? Am I going to reach my goals?  Why am I getting so sick when I've been doing so well with my compliance? Why do I get the stupid feelings of being a thorn in peoples sides? My biggest worry is that I'm going to forget how wonderful the people in my life are and that I'll slip back into the old and familiar pattern or trying to destroy myself. I don't want to be that person. It's been a year and a half since I was in hospital for attempting to overdose on sleeping pills. I dont want to put my friends and family through that again and I do want to live. Just sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just go to sleep and not wake up.
I have a week to pull my head out of my ass and snap out of this funk. While I've been going strong and 70% positive there's that 30% of that stupid lying voice in my head trying to plant seeds of doubt in myself.. While I have an amazing support network I sometimes wonder if they are just cheering me on to be nice and then I realise thats the bullshit stupid lying voice trying to get me down.  But like my friend posted on my status on Facebook
 'Every day has its ups and downs
You think you’re lost
You will be found
Most of us want the same old things
Someone to love
What it brings
I know it’s hard it gets tough sometimes
You gotta hold on, like a carousel
Going around and around and around and around'
I'll hold on, I'll get through this. I have before and this time I will come out stronger.... 

I'll leave with this quote from Albus Dumbledore which I often remind myself of...  "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light"
Next one will be more positive promise :)
 

I came, I ran, I conquered..

Hey! I'm not dead I'm still here! Sorry for the lack of posts. Life has been busy with training home stuff, finishing my cert 3 in children's services   (WOOHOO!!) and being SICK! (BOO!) I have been writing blog posts in my head for over a week I just havent had the motivation or time to do it! LOL I do have some really awesome news though...
Ever since I started running 2 years ago I really wanted to do the Bridge to Brisbane. Unfortunately my neck injury in 2010 prevented it from happening that year and my poor fitness level and weight gain prevented me from doing it last year. 
Despite being disheartened from my Mothers Day classic run I not only ran the Bridge to Brisbane but I did the 10km! And if I say so myself I think I did an absolutely amazing job! 79 minutes and 19 seconds!!! Pretty f**king awesome considering I had never run 10k before, didnt train for it  and the maximum time limit for my category was 85 minutes!! I also ran for 99% only slowing down between the 8 and 9 km mark. I have to say a very big thank you to the superhuman Rachael from MP Life transformations (the studio where I train now) for not only running by my side the whole way but for keeping me motivated and inspired with her awesome amount of energy (seriously Rach made it look so easy!). While I have every confidence I would've finished it I doubt my time wouldve been as awesome without her and I will be forever grateful.

Last week was a bit rough with me being sick. D has been pushing for me to 'rest' and I have been pushing to train. With the gains from last measurements not a mere memory yet, I am still absolutely paranoid of gaining more even though my food has been pretty good. (Despite the few drinks and a missed meal Saturday) I was feeling fine by Friday so I went to boxing (which was so much fun as it always is!) and pushed myself a little too hard... See, that and the not much sleep on Friday night put me back at square one and I am now home with bacterial tonsillitis. (BOO!) I've spent yesterday and today in bed just sleeping on and off and drinking lots of liquids. Food hasnt been so fabulous today and to be quite honest I'm not that worried. I figure as long as I'm still feeding ym body it won't do much damage. That and I cant swallow much except cold liquids (which was really hard this morning). A really funny (well for everyone else not me) part of me being sick if my face has just puffed up!!! I m talking like my eyes look like tiny dots in a big moon and when I wake up I have trouble opening them. To be honest after looking like this the whole day I'm finding the funny side to it despite my skin feeling so stretched out it's on fire. I will feel so much thinner when it's gone down lol. I dont think I'll be training much this week I think I've pushed my body too far and think it's time to rest properly and get better...

Other then that things have been rather uneventful.I'm going to leave this here and get some sleep..

It makes me smile....

Feeling a lot happier and in a more positive place this last week.. Have had a few things stressingme out but nothing really worth worrying about.
Thursday night I started the ball rolling to do the Bridge to Brisbane 10k run. I was hoping to join the team from the MP Life transformation studio but technology is against me so I'm going it individual (which is ok as I can just put my iPod on and run :)) . I have also decided to use this run to help raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in QLD. You might be wondering why I decided Cystic Fibrosis and not something like cancer (especially after my little scare) or even the heart foundation (which is also a VERY important cause to me) well, for those of you who don't know much about me or my family my Mum is one of the absolutely fabulous nurses at Westmead Children's Hospital. She has been there for a very long time and over the many years she has been there has looked after a lot of kids most of whom have CF.Over her time she has connected with a lot of kids and unfortunately lost some. It absolutely breaks my heart to see how my Mum's heart breaks when she does.  When we go to visit my Nana's grave we usually go and visit two of her 'boys' who never made it and it's really sad to think that someone so young didn't get to realise their full potential. So I'm doing it in memory of those kids and for those who have survived and have grown to be inspirational and wonderful adults. So if you would like to donate or spread my page online the link is : http://fundraise.bridgetobrisbane.com.au/vanessa_harris so far I have raised $160 thanks to the support of my awesome parents (who both left messages that made me laugh and cry), my baby brother and one my brothers from another mother... 
Sessions last week have been good. MP don't have a leg press so D is making me do an exercise which is similar. I don't like it but I'm willing to bet I'll be loving it once I have it perfected. I still dislike split squats (which unfortunately I still have to do). Can bench  32.5 for 10 reps so going up next week. Food has been good.. Well in my opinion it has been a lot better then last week but we shall see what my compliance is...
Group session on Friday was absolutely SMASHING!!!  Luke does boxing sessions for group on Friday evenings and has now won the title of  the 'most hardest trainer' which is totally wicked!!! I was more sweaty then usual and for the first time in a very long time came close to being sick. LOVE IT!!! At this rate those 13cms and extra kilo aren't going to be around for long. 
After a big night on the grog Saturday night I was feeling a little guilty and fat.. So I got out my 3/4 pants and tried them on. I can still get the Dereon ones up but not done and I still fit into the size 9 and 11 Baby Phats but the 9 is a tad tight. It made me feel a lot better :) My goal for the end of the next challenge is to ge into the Rocawear ones and actually get them done up. 
I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Here's hoping for heavier and correct lifts and an awesome compliance!!! 
Have an awesome day everyone!!!

And up I get again....

As with every other DEXA/measurement day I am not happy with the results. Only change is I would absolutely love to be swallowed up into the ground right about now.
For the first time EVER I have gains... I have gained a total of 13cm allover my body, 1 kilo of body fat and 1 kilo of lean muscle. The positive in this is that I GAINED 1 KILO OF LEAN MUSCLE WOO!
I just feel like all that hard work I put in before Hawaii was pointless. Ok maybe not.. I did look awesome it was just the aftermath that stuffed it all up... I've been struggling with staying on track and hitting the dedication I had before Hawaii. I just can't seem to get over the whole not getting where I wanted to be. I worked SO HARD and I was so good.. I put in everything and it still wasnt good enough.
The funny thing was I went into the DEXA place feeling optimistic even though my measurements were crap. I guess I can be proud of the fact that everything was pretty much the same. 

I've been running through everything I;ve put in my mouth (whether it's in my food diary or not) and I'm starting to see why it turned out the way it did. Peanut Buttercups (even though they were dark chocolate ones), Dark Chocolate overdose, Alcohol, Sausage rolls, High energy carbs outside a window (not alot but a few times), malteasers.... Those are definately the offending sins... 

So where to from here? I'm not going to lie.. I was tempted to tell D that I didnt want to do this anymore but if I'm honest, that wouldn't make me happy. I don't want to give up. I have hope and faith that I can lose those 13cms and then some. I just need to find my groove. Tomorrow morning I'm having a goal setting session with D. I'm kinda hoping that tomorrow will bring my old drive back. I just dont know why this is happening and it's absolutely annoying the hell out of me. I don't want to be like this. I want to be where I was before Hawaii with my eating and training. Noone can lose this weight and gain the muscle for me, I have to do it myself. The next transformation challenge is in October. I'm GOING to pull my shit together and win this one. I am going to lose that 13cms and more and that kilo of fat will be nothing but a distant memory. I will have that bikini body for summer....

So here's the latest progress photos... I'm trying to pick differences and see if I look as fat as I feel but honestly I dont see it... 

 As always it's about the gun show :)

 At least my bum doesnt look so big lol

 See I dont see the gains in my tummy (phew)

Why is it I always look squinty and asian in my photos???
No matter how shit the numbers are I am grateful to be on this journey... Thanks to my snotface for answering the phone listening and saying the right things...  You are right this is just a tiny bump in the journey... I love you xxx Thanks to D for putting up with my tears  and as always throwing the right questions at me...You are definitely THE greatest trainer in the universe!!! One day there will be no need for tissues on measurement day hey? LOL Rachael and Luke, thank you for the awesome chat today you guys are awesome and I love hanging with you guys :) I look forward to many more awesome chats and sessions with you :) and saving one of the best for last Sean, thanks so so much for making me laugh this afternoon... I'm so glad you have a muscley bum otherwise my poor legs would've been stuffed LOL ♥