It's that time again..

I have been so busy with work and training and just life in general that I haven't had the time or energy to sit down and write a decent post. I apologise for that..  I did love the messages I received asking about my next post though, thanks guys for taking the time to not only read my ramblings but to actually care! ;)

So where to begin?  This transformation challenge had been a crazy rollercoaster ride. I've had crap weeks, great weeks and mediocre weeks. I lifted weights even though my neck was playing up and felt so much better afterwards... I would have to say that moving studios with my trainer was the best thing I couldve done. Nothing against the old place but the MP seems to be a studio where I feel like I fit in. The ICE sessions are amazing and it's nice to have other people there. I'm being challenged and I have met some really amazing people who I enjoy being around and are such an amazing support! 

Yesterday was measurement day (da da duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!) and for the first time ever I didnt cry AND I WAS RELATIVELY HAPPY WITH MY RESULTS!!!  I know I'm shocked too ;)  Even more shocking is the fact that I am extremely excited about going to get my DEXA scan in 6 weeks!!!! Can't wait to see the progress % wise!! Things are starting to come around though despite the last two weeks not being the absolute best. Having DH home is taking a fair amount of adjusting to. It's thrown my usual routine out of whack and I'm getting really frustrated with a few things. But I guess that's to be expected after 8 months apart. He's flipped from being super supportive back to anti MP which is normal but a tad upsetting. Nevermind, my results speak for themselves. It's highly likely I won't be going home for R's 16th birthday either. I'm trying really hard to see this as an oppportunity to get even better results before going home and knocking everyones socks off but it just makes me sad to know that I'll miss out. Oh well, at least it's not his 18th.. I'd be walking home to get to that! LOL

So I'll post my measurement results and my latest progress photos. I've got to get to bed as I have to be up early tomorrow morning and need to get all my stuff together and go to sleep! I will do another post on the weekend about all the fun and exciting stuff I've been up to ;)

Back Week 6 8/11/12

Side Week 6 8/11/12

Front Week 6 8/11/12

My lovely lady guns, check em out!!! ;)

My measurement results.... Feeling good about this challenge!!!! Watch this space for even more loss!

Ignore the age in the last pic... My trainer likes to tell my efile fibs ;)

Everytime I see you falling...

I'm still here! The last week has been a bit of an emotional one for me and I've been trying to write a blog that isnt all depressing and sooky...
After pretty much sticking my head in the sand for the last 6 months things pretty much came to head on Monday when I was smacked in the face with reality. This last week I have shed a lot of tears, gone over things a million times and even at one point wished that I wouldnt wake up one morning. I know thats a pretty shit thing to say or think and I do know that I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life I just want to stop hurting.
I've spent a lot of time talking to some really good friends and getting some different perspectives on things and I have a fair idea of where I want to go. Let's just hope that things work out for the best.

Other then meltdowns, last week wasn't too bad. The next MP transformation challenge starts on the 1st of October so we're doing two weeks of ICE which suits me :) I did 3 boxing sessions and 1 session of shuttles. Normally I wouldnt have any issue but after being off sick for a week it was actually a lot harder then usual. Not that that would stop me. I'm really looking forward to the next challenge. I honestly believe that it will be my best yet and that I am going to actually hit my December body goal.  Granted I'm a lot closer to where I want to be in December then what I was for the Hawaii bikini body, but I'm going to hit it anyway :) 
I had a fabulous weekend meeting  new friends and going out with the girls from work afterwards. Drank an absolutely ridiculous amount of alcohol (Im surprised I didnt get seriously sick) which I sort of regret but not too much. The important thing is I enjoyed myself and it helped take a bit of the edge off whats going on with my head.

Today was a relatively great day.. My kids were really good, my boss let me out of work half an hour early and I got to spend some time chasing up another pair of workout pants. Granted a few things had happened to bring me down but I still have no idea why at the end of yet another awesome session I had to walk out and find a quiet spot to sit down and sort of cry. D being as awesome as he is asked whats going on and I gave him a very brief outline. That was when I realised exactly how much I had on my mind! A shitload!!! Am I slipping in my standard with my sessions? Is everything that is going on  worth all the heartache or should I just walk away? Do I really realise how much I am worth? Am I being treated as such? How can I move on? How do I stop this awful feeling in my heart? Am I going to reach my goals?  Why am I getting so sick when I've been doing so well with my compliance? Why do I get the stupid feelings of being a thorn in peoples sides? My biggest worry is that I'm going to forget how wonderful the people in my life are and that I'll slip back into the old and familiar pattern or trying to destroy myself. I don't want to be that person. It's been a year and a half since I was in hospital for attempting to overdose on sleeping pills. I dont want to put my friends and family through that again and I do want to live. Just sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just go to sleep and not wake up.
I have a week to pull my head out of my ass and snap out of this funk. While I've been going strong and 70% positive there's that 30% of that stupid lying voice in my head trying to plant seeds of doubt in myself.. While I have an amazing support network I sometimes wonder if they are just cheering me on to be nice and then I realise thats the bullshit stupid lying voice trying to get me down.  But like my friend posted on my status on Facebook
 'Every day has its ups and downs
You think you’re lost
You will be found
Most of us want the same old things
Someone to love
What it brings
I know it’s hard it gets tough sometimes
You gotta hold on, like a carousel
Going around and around and around and around'
I'll hold on, I'll get through this. I have before and this time I will come out stronger.... 

I'll leave with this quote from Albus Dumbledore which I often remind myself of...  "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light"
Next one will be more positive promise :)
 

I came, I ran, I conquered..

Hey! I'm not dead I'm still here! Sorry for the lack of posts. Life has been busy with training home stuff, finishing my cert 3 in children's services   (WOOHOO!!) and being SICK! (BOO!) I have been writing blog posts in my head for over a week I just havent had the motivation or time to do it! LOL I do have some really awesome news though...
Ever since I started running 2 years ago I really wanted to do the Bridge to Brisbane. Unfortunately my neck injury in 2010 prevented it from happening that year and my poor fitness level and weight gain prevented me from doing it last year. 
Despite being disheartened from my Mothers Day classic run I not only ran the Bridge to Brisbane but I did the 10km! And if I say so myself I think I did an absolutely amazing job! 79 minutes and 19 seconds!!! Pretty f**king awesome considering I had never run 10k before, didnt train for it  and the maximum time limit for my category was 85 minutes!! I also ran for 99% only slowing down between the 8 and 9 km mark. I have to say a very big thank you to the superhuman Rachael from MP Life transformations (the studio where I train now) for not only running by my side the whole way but for keeping me motivated and inspired with her awesome amount of energy (seriously Rach made it look so easy!). While I have every confidence I would've finished it I doubt my time wouldve been as awesome without her and I will be forever grateful.

Last week was a bit rough with me being sick. D has been pushing for me to 'rest' and I have been pushing to train. With the gains from last measurements not a mere memory yet, I am still absolutely paranoid of gaining more even though my food has been pretty good. (Despite the few drinks and a missed meal Saturday) I was feeling fine by Friday so I went to boxing (which was so much fun as it always is!) and pushed myself a little too hard... See, that and the not much sleep on Friday night put me back at square one and I am now home with bacterial tonsillitis. (BOO!) I've spent yesterday and today in bed just sleeping on and off and drinking lots of liquids. Food hasnt been so fabulous today and to be quite honest I'm not that worried. I figure as long as I'm still feeding ym body it won't do much damage. That and I cant swallow much except cold liquids (which was really hard this morning). A really funny (well for everyone else not me) part of me being sick if my face has just puffed up!!! I m talking like my eyes look like tiny dots in a big moon and when I wake up I have trouble opening them. To be honest after looking like this the whole day I'm finding the funny side to it despite my skin feeling so stretched out it's on fire. I will feel so much thinner when it's gone down lol. I dont think I'll be training much this week I think I've pushed my body too far and think it's time to rest properly and get better...

Other then that things have been rather uneventful.I'm going to leave this here and get some sleep..

It makes me smile....

Feeling a lot happier and in a more positive place this last week.. Have had a few things stressingme out but nothing really worth worrying about.
Thursday night I started the ball rolling to do the Bridge to Brisbane 10k run. I was hoping to join the team from the MP Life transformation studio but technology is against me so I'm going it individual (which is ok as I can just put my iPod on and run :)) . I have also decided to use this run to help raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in QLD. You might be wondering why I decided Cystic Fibrosis and not something like cancer (especially after my little scare) or even the heart foundation (which is also a VERY important cause to me) well, for those of you who don't know much about me or my family my Mum is one of the absolutely fabulous nurses at Westmead Children's Hospital. She has been there for a very long time and over the many years she has been there has looked after a lot of kids most of whom have CF.Over her time she has connected with a lot of kids and unfortunately lost some. It absolutely breaks my heart to see how my Mum's heart breaks when she does.  When we go to visit my Nana's grave we usually go and visit two of her 'boys' who never made it and it's really sad to think that someone so young didn't get to realise their full potential. So I'm doing it in memory of those kids and for those who have survived and have grown to be inspirational and wonderful adults. So if you would like to donate or spread my page online the link is : http://fundraise.bridgetobrisbane.com.au/vanessa_harris so far I have raised $160 thanks to the support of my awesome parents (who both left messages that made me laugh and cry), my baby brother and one my brothers from another mother... 
Sessions last week have been good. MP don't have a leg press so D is making me do an exercise which is similar. I don't like it but I'm willing to bet I'll be loving it once I have it perfected. I still dislike split squats (which unfortunately I still have to do). Can bench  32.5 for 10 reps so going up next week. Food has been good.. Well in my opinion it has been a lot better then last week but we shall see what my compliance is...
Group session on Friday was absolutely SMASHING!!!  Luke does boxing sessions for group on Friday evenings and has now won the title of  the 'most hardest trainer' which is totally wicked!!! I was more sweaty then usual and for the first time in a very long time came close to being sick. LOVE IT!!! At this rate those 13cms and extra kilo aren't going to be around for long. 
After a big night on the grog Saturday night I was feeling a little guilty and fat.. So I got out my 3/4 pants and tried them on. I can still get the Dereon ones up but not done and I still fit into the size 9 and 11 Baby Phats but the 9 is a tad tight. It made me feel a lot better :) My goal for the end of the next challenge is to ge into the Rocawear ones and actually get them done up. 
I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Here's hoping for heavier and correct lifts and an awesome compliance!!! 
Have an awesome day everyone!!!

And up I get again....

As with every other DEXA/measurement day I am not happy with the results. Only change is I would absolutely love to be swallowed up into the ground right about now.
For the first time EVER I have gains... I have gained a total of 13cm allover my body, 1 kilo of body fat and 1 kilo of lean muscle. The positive in this is that I GAINED 1 KILO OF LEAN MUSCLE WOO!
I just feel like all that hard work I put in before Hawaii was pointless. Ok maybe not.. I did look awesome it was just the aftermath that stuffed it all up... I've been struggling with staying on track and hitting the dedication I had before Hawaii. I just can't seem to get over the whole not getting where I wanted to be. I worked SO HARD and I was so good.. I put in everything and it still wasnt good enough.
The funny thing was I went into the DEXA place feeling optimistic even though my measurements were crap. I guess I can be proud of the fact that everything was pretty much the same. 

I've been running through everything I;ve put in my mouth (whether it's in my food diary or not) and I'm starting to see why it turned out the way it did. Peanut Buttercups (even though they were dark chocolate ones), Dark Chocolate overdose, Alcohol, Sausage rolls, High energy carbs outside a window (not alot but a few times), malteasers.... Those are definately the offending sins... 

So where to from here? I'm not going to lie.. I was tempted to tell D that I didnt want to do this anymore but if I'm honest, that wouldn't make me happy. I don't want to give up. I have hope and faith that I can lose those 13cms and then some. I just need to find my groove. Tomorrow morning I'm having a goal setting session with D. I'm kinda hoping that tomorrow will bring my old drive back. I just dont know why this is happening and it's absolutely annoying the hell out of me. I don't want to be like this. I want to be where I was before Hawaii with my eating and training. Noone can lose this weight and gain the muscle for me, I have to do it myself. The next transformation challenge is in October. I'm GOING to pull my shit together and win this one. I am going to lose that 13cms and more and that kilo of fat will be nothing but a distant memory. I will have that bikini body for summer....

So here's the latest progress photos... I'm trying to pick differences and see if I look as fat as I feel but honestly I dont see it... 

 As always it's about the gun show :)

 At least my bum doesnt look so big lol

 See I dont see the gains in my tummy (phew)

Why is it I always look squinty and asian in my photos???
No matter how shit the numbers are I am grateful to be on this journey... Thanks to my snotface for answering the phone listening and saying the right things...  You are right this is just a tiny bump in the journey... I love you xxx Thanks to D for putting up with my tears  and as always throwing the right questions at me...You are definitely THE greatest trainer in the universe!!! One day there will be no need for tissues on measurement day hey? LOL Rachael and Luke, thank you for the awesome chat today you guys are awesome and I love hanging with you guys :) I look forward to many more awesome chats and sessions with you :) and saving one of the best for last Sean, thanks so so much for making me laugh this afternoon... I'm so glad you have a muscley bum otherwise my poor legs would've been stuffed LOL ♥

Changes.....

I AM SICK!!! Well not so sick anymore the antibiotics seems to be kicking in and I dont feel like I'm going to die... But I am not very well.. Serves me right for bragging about not getting really sick this winter... I was lucky to catch in time before it became any worse!! I have a sinus and ear infection... BOO! I had Thursday off work went  in on Friday only to feel like I had been hit by a truck. I was lucky that we were overstaffed and that my boss was kind enough to send me home early... I came home and did a dying swan impression for about 30 minutes before getting up and making dinner. as DH has abandoned me and the furbabies yet again for 3 months. WOOHOO!!! NO MORE BAD FOOD IN MY HOUSE!!! NO MORE STUPID MAN VS FOOD SHOWS AND NO TRUE BLOOD BAN!!!!!  Not that I don't love my husband, I do very much. I'm just so used to not having him around that it throws me out and the furbabies love him the most when he's home...  Everything is now back in balance and I can focus on my food and training again..
This morning marked the beginning of change... DRok has moved over to an awesome studio over in New Farm. He held a morning boxing session this morning which I went to instead of Newstead Park with Jazza. IT FELT EXTREMELY WEIRD! Not because it was weird as it wasn't, it was just a big change in my routine and everyone who knows me knows how I am with change... Ironic considering DH's career and the amount of change it brings into our lives but then again I have always been strange like that... 
The new studio isnt within  quick walking distance from my work so I have to get a bus but it's not that far away AND the bus trip is actually not too bad (except for the dickhead driver on the 375 from the hospital to the Valley. Not only was he LATE he kept slamming the brakes, and stopped at the wrong stops!) I dont plan on buses for much longer though. This morning was enough to give me the kick in the ass I needed to go get some lessons and get my frikking license. Seriously I went off my brain when I got to the bus stop and realised I missed my connecting bus to the studio the worst part was one of the people at the bus stop was going to the same session!!!! 
Anyway, I made it in one piece and the session was awesome. I didn't pass out!!!! Yet another sign I'm getting better!!! I really like the new studio, it's a lovely environment to train in and the owners are lovely and are just awesome.. This is one change that I will adapt rather easily to :)  The only thing I'm sad about is that they dont have a leg press so the goal of hitting 250 might have to be shifted back and another goal for legs put in place... But I'll deal with that when we start another cycle. Speaking of MP cycles, I've decided that I want to give the MP transformation challenge a go. I figure since DH will be away I'll be able to focus 100% and be the machine I was when he was overseas. I'm also getting some ideas on what goals I want to achieve during the cycle. I know I want to hit 60 kilos on the bench press (was originally higher until I told D and we had a discussion on why it's harder to do extremely heavy weight on the bench (in other words he talked some sense into my crazy ass)) and I know I want to shed another 5 kilos of body fat. But I have time to think about it all so I'm not stressing out..
I have been putting together motivation boards for around the house... I have put one up in my kitchen and bought one for my bedroom. I then decided today I needed a bigger one for my bedroom and will put the smaller one either in the study or replace one of DH's paintings in the hallway... If it were up to me I'd replace all the paintings with photo frames or motivation boards but somehow I think that would get me in a trouble... Here's the one in the kitchen:

I absolutely love it. I have put up a photo taken when I got the Prestige Champion trophy as a reminder that I am a champion. Lately I havent really been feeling like one... I think I put it down to not feeling well and comparing myself to others (which I am not going to do anymore!!).. Everyone's weight loss journey is different and I have to keep remembering that I am so much better then what I was last year. I am fitter healthier (no chest infections this winter!!) and I am definitely stronger!!!!  Here's a progress shot from October last year until June this year:

 In the new studio they have motivation and goal posters made by the people who go there. D has said I should make one for the studio which I might do later down the track... 
I can't believe I've been back in Australia for a month today... I will definitely do a post on Hawaii this week sometime (I'm on holidays I have time:P)

Have an awesome weekend everyone I'm off to grab something to eat and do my motivation boards... Ciao for now!!!

Fall down 7 times, get up 8...

I don't think my ass has hit the floor as much as it has the last few weeks. 
I'm at an absolute loss as to why I'm struggling so much. Today I walked into work and my group leader asked (in a very nice way) "Have you put weight on?" I honestly wanted to melt into the floor and die. Seriously, I haven't been as strict as usual (I had a sausage roll TWO  DAYS IN A ROW LAST WEEK!) but my food has been pretty good and I've been keeping up with my sessions giving it everything I can despite not feeling 100%. Of course being a chick I then went to all of my friends at work and asked the question "Do I look like I've put anything on? Please be honest I need to know" I love my friends. They are amazing. Two of them said "No" and when I gave them my doubting look I got "I am your friend I wouldn't lie to you". R's response was what I needed to hear. "I am your friend and I love you but ever since DH came home you haven't been your usual dedicated self. You haven't been as strict with your eating but you are worrying over nothing." Those weren't her exact words but it was pretty close  and she is 100% right. I think that conversation, the 'breakdown' from yesterdays session and the tears after tonights group session are what I needed to get my shit back together.
So what happened yesterday? I went to my session and was all normal (well as normal as I can get lol).. D got out the rower and we started rowing. Then out of nowhere (and I seriously have no idea where it came from) I stopped rowing and told him that "This just isnt going to work. We need to figure out a new goal or something cause this isnt going to work." So instead of doing hardcore rowing for 20 minutes I rowed and we talked about what was going on in my head, why I thought what I did and if I believed that I would make progress because in the end mindset can hold you back. Not saying everything is 100% again but it gave me enough to smash it through the rest of the session. D suggested making up a motivation board, so in true Ness style I flew home, made DH drive me to officeworks and bought TWO decent sized corkboards. One for my kitchen the other for my bedroom. I then went through and started gathering motivational pictures I have shared, posted or pinned on Facebook and Pinterest. There are ALOT! I haven't finished the first one yet and I am thinking of rearranging it but it's helping. I'm starting to get my groove back. 
Today's group with Sean was good... I don't know if I was at my usual standard of awesomeness (Sean knew something was up) but by the end of it I was still sweaty and I'm pretty sure my eyeballs were steamy... I absolutely love my boxing sessions with Sean. We work hard and afterwards he and I walk along the waterfront and part ways at the studio (except tonight I needed a microwave) and we always have awesome conversations. I love getting Sean's view on things. He is really switched on and is learning so much I often forget that I am so much older then him :)  Between D and Sean I am very lucky to have access to such awesome trainers who are also frienmily (and of course Iceman and Jazza... I just spend more time with D and Sean :))  You gotta love a guy who doesnt freak out when a chick starts crying randomly lol.

So where to from here? Tomorrow is a new day. I have started my goal of getting my meals right and I am going to try and get every week at least 82% compliance (not that I'm submitting an efile or anything like that but I know what high compliance weeks should be. I did so many of them it isn't hard for me to get it right.) I'm going to finish my motivation boards and put them up. I have put the progression pic D made up for me as my cover photo on Facebook. Some people asked if I was doing it for attention or comments but to be honest I did it so every time I get onto Facebook I can see with my own two eyes how far I've come. Yes, it has been a slow process and it's going to take time to get where I want to be but I have to remember that it is a healthier and more sustainable way of being where I want to be. Rome wasn't built in a day etc etc. I also did it to prove to MYSELF that despite what the lying son of a bitch voice in my head says I CAN DO IT! I have gone from butterball to semi foxy chick so far, I can only keep going! 
Remember 

I am going to keep posting the motivational quotes and pictures on my Facebook.  I am also going to print and pu this quote on my boards

"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
-Anonymous

I thought I'd post a few of my motivational pics I found online up so that I can look back on them if I'm out and about.
I will not give up.I will get up dust my ass off and keep going. I will succeed and one of these days I will look back and laugh at my stupidity. 
Have an awesome night everyone!