One of the hardest things is admitting you need help. So on Saturday I took a leap of faith and went to see a new psychologist. I did another DAS test and scored extremely severe for Depression and Anxiety (no surprises there. My anxiety has been so out of whack I have been getting these god awful chest pains). Surprisingly I was moderate for stress (go me! I thought I was a lot more stressed out than I am!)
When I was first diagnosed with depression I
thought that maybe one day I would be cured. That one day the depression
and anxiety would be gone and I would be 'normal'. I honestly thought
that I had turned a corner, that I have dealt with it, that I was close to the light at the end of the tunnel......At the moment it isn't so....I have been so caught up in trying to make other people happy and trying to be what people expect me to be that I haven't been very kind to myself. I have been doing a lot of negative talk lately, always comparing myself to others and always ending up feeling like a failure, a loser. I feel like sometimes I just can't keep going, that I'm not good enough and it really really sucks. Now I am sitting here trying to evaluate and plan how I can chase this black dog away but it seems like it just won't go....
On Saturday I also did my first ever Parkrun! Wasn't great. I struggled as it was my first run since January 28th and my ankle was a little touchy. I intend on doing it again on Saturday. Practice makes perfect right?
After seeing a photo of myself from Parkrun and after the run itself, I am more motivated to work on my nutrition. I have prepped my meals (including salad and vegies) for the week and will sit down at lunch tomorrow to plan my meals, gym workouts and everything else. I was getting some good sleep but after having my band aids taken off to examine my 'wounds' I am having trouble sleeping again. Over the next few weeks I will work on getting rid of things I no longer use or need as well as organising the house the way I want it. I am also going to try and update this blog at least once a week. So to the reader that constantly messages asking for updates, Thank you! You keep me motivated! :)
Despite being in the dark place I am currently in, I am extremely grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. My beautiful frienmily, my friends both off and online and my Mum have been such a wonderful support, I honestly dread to think where I would be without them. If any of you are reading this, thank you. I don't think there are words that can properly describe my love and gratitude for you and everything that you do.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
I've been down this road before...
Well it's been a hell of a ride since my last post.
I wrote down my meals for the last two days and I am shocked at how my meal frequency has dropped! Snap point. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to make the change I need.
Right now I am in shock at how far I have let myself slide and all I can say to myself is "What the f**k?"
I haven't gained too much weight. My clothes still fit but I don't feel as good as I used to. These days I feel flabby and to be honest I am unmotivated. What happened to the girl who woke up at 5am and had no problem dragging her butt out of bed to go for a run on 5 hours sleep? I haven't been for a run since Sydney. when I ask myself why I just keep coming up with excuses like "I need my sleep" "I don't have time" "It's too dark". In the end though, are those excuses REALLY going to get me closer to my goals?
So what's my game plan?
I HAVE to stick to the timetable I made up in my last post. To make sure it doesn't slip from my mind, I am going to write it up on my calender (which I am putting up as soon as I finish this) and stick to it. This long weekend I am going to get the house organised to where I want it to be so that the only thing I have to do is maintain it. I find housework is one of my BIG excuses for letting my training slide. I am going to utilise my meal planner and plan my meals for the week ahead. I am going to turn the TV and laptop off half an hour before bed so that I can organise my liquid and solid meals for the next day.
My time management needs to come together so I am going to schedule as much as I can. Work, training, study, housework and REST time. Thank goodness it's a long weekend! I'm going to need a chunk of time to organise all of this!
I am going to try and get measurements and some progress photos to start this off too.
Training wise. I have been doing my FIRE sessions which is good. I have been working on my form and really enjoying doing my Upper body sessions again. I would love to have a training buddy to spot me for the upper body though, as I find I freak out when I go to bench heavy on my own. In the gym where I train there is nothing for me to drop the barbell on if I can't lift it back up which freaks me out. If someone is spotting me I would feel more confident. But that's a bridge I will cross when I get to it. For now I am doing well training solo. I have started using the leg press again which I absolutely LOVE! I am focusing on stretching more so that my flexibility is back up and that I can lift heavier. I am looking at breaking my leg press record that I set during my last session with DRok... It was 261 for 6/6. Today I did 140 with 2 sets of 12 which I am really pleased with. :)
Mentally, I have been in a weird headspace... I have had a few issues with people and even ended a very close friendship. My biggest regret was being spiteful after the argument. But what is done is done and I have left it as a closed chapter where it belongs. Sometimes you have to go through hurtful and terrible situations to get through to the bright side... The rainbow always comes after the rain doesn't it? I have been trying really hard to remind myself of that but today it just didn't work for me... My mind went a little dark for a moment so I forced myself to go to the gym rather than go home and wallow. For now it seems to have worked..
I best be off to get started in this new game plan! I will update again this week with my progress :)
I wrote down my meals for the last two days and I am shocked at how my meal frequency has dropped! Snap point. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to make the change I need.
Right now I am in shock at how far I have let myself slide and all I can say to myself is "What the f**k?"
I haven't gained too much weight. My clothes still fit but I don't feel as good as I used to. These days I feel flabby and to be honest I am unmotivated. What happened to the girl who woke up at 5am and had no problem dragging her butt out of bed to go for a run on 5 hours sleep? I haven't been for a run since Sydney. when I ask myself why I just keep coming up with excuses like "I need my sleep" "I don't have time" "It's too dark". In the end though, are those excuses REALLY going to get me closer to my goals?
So what's my game plan?
I HAVE to stick to the timetable I made up in my last post. To make sure it doesn't slip from my mind, I am going to write it up on my calender (which I am putting up as soon as I finish this) and stick to it. This long weekend I am going to get the house organised to where I want it to be so that the only thing I have to do is maintain it. I find housework is one of my BIG excuses for letting my training slide. I am going to utilise my meal planner and plan my meals for the week ahead. I am going to turn the TV and laptop off half an hour before bed so that I can organise my liquid and solid meals for the next day.
My time management needs to come together so I am going to schedule as much as I can. Work, training, study, housework and REST time. Thank goodness it's a long weekend! I'm going to need a chunk of time to organise all of this!
I am going to try and get measurements and some progress photos to start this off too.
Training wise. I have been doing my FIRE sessions which is good. I have been working on my form and really enjoying doing my Upper body sessions again. I would love to have a training buddy to spot me for the upper body though, as I find I freak out when I go to bench heavy on my own. In the gym where I train there is nothing for me to drop the barbell on if I can't lift it back up which freaks me out. If someone is spotting me I would feel more confident. But that's a bridge I will cross when I get to it. For now I am doing well training solo. I have started using the leg press again which I absolutely LOVE! I am focusing on stretching more so that my flexibility is back up and that I can lift heavier. I am looking at breaking my leg press record that I set during my last session with DRok... It was 261 for 6/6. Today I did 140 with 2 sets of 12 which I am really pleased with. :)
Mentally, I have been in a weird headspace... I have had a few issues with people and even ended a very close friendship. My biggest regret was being spiteful after the argument. But what is done is done and I have left it as a closed chapter where it belongs. Sometimes you have to go through hurtful and terrible situations to get through to the bright side... The rainbow always comes after the rain doesn't it? I have been trying really hard to remind myself of that but today it just didn't work for me... My mind went a little dark for a moment so I forced myself to go to the gym rather than go home and wallow. For now it seems to have worked..
I best be off to get started in this new game plan! I will update again this week with my progress :)
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
My promise to myself
It has been 6 months since I stopped training with Lukey and started training on my own.... To be honest I am disappointed in myself. My dedication has dropped. My 'obsession' with getting my nutrition right has gone waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out the window... My running progress is um stalled.
I am very lucky. I haven't put on too much weight. But if I keep going, I will be back at square one before I know it and I'll be damned if that's going to happen!
SO.... Where to from here? Well I need to sort my shit out. I need to pack my gym gear in my work bag and go either before or after work. I need to get back on the wagon and stick to my nutrition rules. I need to manage my time better so that I CAN get my study done, my housework, my downtime and my Intense Cardio. I have 5 months until City2Surf and I really have to start pulling my finger out and get back into training. None of my personal records were broken by sitting on my big arse watching Adventure Time.
I promise myself that I will get to where I was 6 months ago. I promise to always keep going no matter what. I promise to always get up when I have been knocked onto my arse. There is too much for me to lose by laying down and giving up.
HOW am I going to do this? Well I have a 4 week rotation roster. The weeks I finish early I will go to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Friday and Sunday are running days. The week I start late I will go to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Thursday with running in the morning on Tuesday and Friday. Saturday will be a class or a different ICE session. Mondays are leg day. Wednesday Upper Body. Thursday will be Cardio with cross trainer, rower and bike.
Other factors I need to consider.... Sleep. Time to walk my dog. Household chores. Down time. Food prep.
I will figure this all out as I go along. I do know that I need one day where I just chill and don't HAVE to do anything. If I don't I eventually feel burned out and I won't keep going.
Better hit the sack... I have been rather ill the last week and need my sleep.... Night peeps! :)
I am very lucky. I haven't put on too much weight. But if I keep going, I will be back at square one before I know it and I'll be damned if that's going to happen!
SO.... Where to from here? Well I need to sort my shit out. I need to pack my gym gear in my work bag and go either before or after work. I need to get back on the wagon and stick to my nutrition rules. I need to manage my time better so that I CAN get my study done, my housework, my downtime and my Intense Cardio. I have 5 months until City2Surf and I really have to start pulling my finger out and get back into training. None of my personal records were broken by sitting on my big arse watching Adventure Time.
I promise myself that I will get to where I was 6 months ago. I promise to always keep going no matter what. I promise to always get up when I have been knocked onto my arse. There is too much for me to lose by laying down and giving up.
HOW am I going to do this? Well I have a 4 week rotation roster. The weeks I finish early I will go to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Friday and Sunday are running days. The week I start late I will go to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Thursday with running in the morning on Tuesday and Friday. Saturday will be a class or a different ICE session. Mondays are leg day. Wednesday Upper Body. Thursday will be Cardio with cross trainer, rower and bike.
Other factors I need to consider.... Sleep. Time to walk my dog. Household chores. Down time. Food prep.
I will figure this all out as I go along. I do know that I need one day where I just chill and don't HAVE to do anything. If I don't I eventually feel burned out and I won't keep going.
Better hit the sack... I have been rather ill the last week and need my sleep.... Night peeps! :)
Monday, March 2, 2015
You've come a long way babe....
I'm still here! Just plodding along getting myself together and trying to get back on track.
I am doing a lot better since my last entry. I still feel sad about everything and the few things that have happened since but I am so blessed to have been sent so many rainbows to chase away the dark clouds.
I have been keeping in touch with a lot of the paternal side of my family and I am working on my relationships with relatives I wasn't so close to beforehand. I have been in regular contact with my Uncle (who I saw for the first time since I was a little girl the day before Nana's funeral) and my Aunties as well as my brother and biological father. I have learned so much about the other side of my family and it's been really good to discover the other half of my heritage.
Work is going well. I have a very interesting and challenging class that keep me on my toes! I am happy with the other educators in my room (who I love and am very close to). We have our moments but the best part of a journey is the bumps in the road. It gives me the chance to grow and learn. Tomorrow we have parent-educator information night for my class and I am sweating bullets about getting up in front of people and talking. I have a fair idea of what I want to say, I just hope that I can say it eloquently and not nearly break my ankles as I tend to do when public speaking.... Send some good vibes my way please!
I had my birthday the other week. I honestly planned on staying home alone and moping but that was not the case. My frienmily threw me a surprise birthday bbq on the Friday as C couldn't be there Saturday and on my birthday we had a family bbq again. I was showered with so many lovely well wishes, videos,cards, calls and messages. My father even skyped me. The best was talking to my Mum and Dad though. They always bring out the big rainbows. I was very spoiled too. My brother R bought me two very beautiful Pandora beads for the bracelet he, Mum and Dad gave me a few years ago. My brother J sent me an awesome card that was so me, my father and step mother gaveme a beautiful soft bathrobe in my favourite colour, Mum and Dad gave me an away Panthers jersey (the last pink one ever!!!!) and my wifey and lady love gave me a QUEENSLAND PANTHERS MEMBERSHIP!!!! I could go on and on about my birthday, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I am so truly grateful to have such wonderful and beautiful people in my life!
Training is going ok. I really need to knuckle down with planning and nutrition! That is my goal for the next 12 weeks as well as getting back on track with my Intense Cardio. The fat won't melt away just lifting weights!
Over the last week I have been reflecting on how far I have come with the way I deal with my anxiety and depression. A few years ago I can guarantee you that there is no way I would have dealt with everything life has thrown at me that way I have and I certainly wouldn't be how I am now. I have my dark moments. But instead of clinging to them and allowing them to drag me down, these days I keep on going and look ahead for the rainbow. I have finally found a way to turn on the light! I have a few friends at the moment who aren't doing so well and I remember what I was like when I was in the stage they are in now. If you are reading this (you know who you are) just keep on going. While there might be a million reasons for you to be sad there are a million and one for you to smile. I am one of them. Keep holding on and remember there are so many people who love you and you give them a reason to smile. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
For all the wonderful people who have been the glue that held me together, the bearers of rainbows, the light in the dark, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for never giving up on me, for giving me a hand up whenever I fell, for making me laugh when I wanted to cry. Thank you for helping me heal. thank you for loving me enough to never give up on me. I love you!!! xxx
Anyway I best be off. I need an early night and would like to spend some time with my furbabies while watching Adventure Time to wind down. Until next time :)
I am doing a lot better since my last entry. I still feel sad about everything and the few things that have happened since but I am so blessed to have been sent so many rainbows to chase away the dark clouds.
I have been keeping in touch with a lot of the paternal side of my family and I am working on my relationships with relatives I wasn't so close to beforehand. I have been in regular contact with my Uncle (who I saw for the first time since I was a little girl the day before Nana's funeral) and my Aunties as well as my brother and biological father. I have learned so much about the other side of my family and it's been really good to discover the other half of my heritage.
Work is going well. I have a very interesting and challenging class that keep me on my toes! I am happy with the other educators in my room (who I love and am very close to). We have our moments but the best part of a journey is the bumps in the road. It gives me the chance to grow and learn. Tomorrow we have parent-educator information night for my class and I am sweating bullets about getting up in front of people and talking. I have a fair idea of what I want to say, I just hope that I can say it eloquently and not nearly break my ankles as I tend to do when public speaking.... Send some good vibes my way please!
I had my birthday the other week. I honestly planned on staying home alone and moping but that was not the case. My frienmily threw me a surprise birthday bbq on the Friday as C couldn't be there Saturday and on my birthday we had a family bbq again. I was showered with so many lovely well wishes, videos,cards, calls and messages. My father even skyped me. The best was talking to my Mum and Dad though. They always bring out the big rainbows. I was very spoiled too. My brother R bought me two very beautiful Pandora beads for the bracelet he, Mum and Dad gave me a few years ago. My brother J sent me an awesome card that was so me, my father and step mother gaveme a beautiful soft bathrobe in my favourite colour, Mum and Dad gave me an away Panthers jersey (the last pink one ever!!!!) and my wifey and lady love gave me a QUEENSLAND PANTHERS MEMBERSHIP!!!! I could go on and on about my birthday, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I am so truly grateful to have such wonderful and beautiful people in my life!
Training is going ok. I really need to knuckle down with planning and nutrition! That is my goal for the next 12 weeks as well as getting back on track with my Intense Cardio. The fat won't melt away just lifting weights!
Over the last week I have been reflecting on how far I have come with the way I deal with my anxiety and depression. A few years ago I can guarantee you that there is no way I would have dealt with everything life has thrown at me that way I have and I certainly wouldn't be how I am now. I have my dark moments. But instead of clinging to them and allowing them to drag me down, these days I keep on going and look ahead for the rainbow. I have finally found a way to turn on the light! I have a few friends at the moment who aren't doing so well and I remember what I was like when I was in the stage they are in now. If you are reading this (you know who you are) just keep on going. While there might be a million reasons for you to be sad there are a million and one for you to smile. I am one of them. Keep holding on and remember there are so many people who love you and you give them a reason to smile. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
For all the wonderful people who have been the glue that held me together, the bearers of rainbows, the light in the dark, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for never giving up on me, for giving me a hand up whenever I fell, for making me laugh when I wanted to cry. Thank you for helping me heal. thank you for loving me enough to never give up on me. I love you!!! xxx
Anyway I best be off. I need an early night and would like to spend some time with my furbabies while watching Adventure Time to wind down. Until next time :)
Monday, February 2, 2015
I am here
I apologise for not posting as I said I would. The day after my wedding anniversary my Nana from my biological father's side passed away.
While it was a blessing for her, Nanas passing was not only a shock but also a moment that has made me re-evaluate my views and decisions. While I do not regret staying in Brisbane to look after my niece while her sister was being delivered at Christmas, I do regret not making the time to go and see Nana and Granddad. This is something that I tortured myself with until other things occurred.
I flew down to Sydney on Friday the 16th for Nanas funeral which was also Granddad Beckett's 92nd birthday. On the Monday morning I got a call saying Granddad had had a bad turn and may not make it. I met up with my Aunty C and Uncle M and together we went to see Granddad. To see my Granddad laying on a bed looking frail broke my heart. We spent some time with him, said goodbye and left. You can only imagine my delight to see Granddad awake and out of his room for his birthday party. My brother J2 (I have two brothers with J names so they will be J1 and J2. J2 is my father and step mothers son. I am awfully fond and proud of him even though we dont know each other well. He is a good guy and he always remembers to txt me for my birthday!) and I took Granddad back to his room when he got too tired and had had some of his birthday cake. While we were waiting for the nurse to put him to bed I sat with Granddad and talked to him about his day. He placed his hand on mine, squeezed it looked me in the eyes and smiled. Until my dying day I will carry and cherish that memory. I wish I could take that moment and make it into a photograph.
Granddad went to sleep that night and never woke again. He kept going though which is why I chose to extend my stay here in Sydney. I went to see him on Friday and spent a few hours reading him the paper.. I realised on that very day that the most positive section of a newspaper is the sports section. My Granddad learned on that day that his girly granddaughter really loves the Western Sydney Wanderers.
My step mum came and we chatted for hours exchanging stories about Granddad while I stroked his hair. His hair was silky on top but coarse on the sides. Granddad gave me a few moments of heart failure when he stopped breathing. But he eventually took another breath and I left with the hope that not only would I see him Sunday but that he would keep going after I left on the Tuesday. Unfortunately that wasn't so.
On Saturday I went to the city with my Mum and Dad who had arranged for us to have dinner at my FAVOURITE restaurant. Because we had time to burn, we went shopping in QVB stopping at my FAVOURITE shop (Victoria's Secret). Just before I went to pay for my purchases J2 rang and gave me the news about Granddad. Sadly, Granddad had gone.
I extended my stay and tomorrow we put my Granddad to rest with Nana. The blessing is that they are together again. After Nana passed Granddad saw her around so we knew she was waiting for him.... Even though they are at peace and aren't suffering, the effect that everything that has happened has knocked myself and my paternal family for 6. I have been trying very hard to stay strong and the closer it gets to the funeral, the harder it gets.
I do not regret staying with Granddad. Not at all. Not one bit. But watching someone you love slowly die and become a frail shell is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and that is why in a small way, I am glad that I didn't see Nana when she passed.
The positive in this is that I have grown closer to my Aunty C, reconnected with my Uncle M, met my Aunty S and her awesome partner (who will forever be my chocolate pudding buddy)) and have also had better communication with my father J2 and his family.
I am going to try to keep it together the best I can tomorrow. I have organised an Australian native floral wreath for Grandads coffin and I have an Australian flag to go with it. I am still deciding which poem to read as I feel that the two I am stuck choosing between are both beautiful. I guess Granddad will be pleased with it....
so that is why I have been absent. I want to take the time to thank my beautiful family, frienmily and friends for their love and suppprt during this really hard time. Your love and support has kept me going and I am forever grateful for it.
I have still been training during this time and my nutrition has been ok. I will update soon but for now I need to get through tomorrow, get back to Brisbane and then grieve properly while getting back into my routine. Please pray or send positive vibes to my family. Thanks x
While it was a blessing for her, Nanas passing was not only a shock but also a moment that has made me re-evaluate my views and decisions. While I do not regret staying in Brisbane to look after my niece while her sister was being delivered at Christmas, I do regret not making the time to go and see Nana and Granddad. This is something that I tortured myself with until other things occurred.
I flew down to Sydney on Friday the 16th for Nanas funeral which was also Granddad Beckett's 92nd birthday. On the Monday morning I got a call saying Granddad had had a bad turn and may not make it. I met up with my Aunty C and Uncle M and together we went to see Granddad. To see my Granddad laying on a bed looking frail broke my heart. We spent some time with him, said goodbye and left. You can only imagine my delight to see Granddad awake and out of his room for his birthday party. My brother J2 (I have two brothers with J names so they will be J1 and J2. J2 is my father and step mothers son. I am awfully fond and proud of him even though we dont know each other well. He is a good guy and he always remembers to txt me for my birthday!) and I took Granddad back to his room when he got too tired and had had some of his birthday cake. While we were waiting for the nurse to put him to bed I sat with Granddad and talked to him about his day. He placed his hand on mine, squeezed it looked me in the eyes and smiled. Until my dying day I will carry and cherish that memory. I wish I could take that moment and make it into a photograph.
Granddad went to sleep that night and never woke again. He kept going though which is why I chose to extend my stay here in Sydney. I went to see him on Friday and spent a few hours reading him the paper.. I realised on that very day that the most positive section of a newspaper is the sports section. My Granddad learned on that day that his girly granddaughter really loves the Western Sydney Wanderers.
My step mum came and we chatted for hours exchanging stories about Granddad while I stroked his hair. His hair was silky on top but coarse on the sides. Granddad gave me a few moments of heart failure when he stopped breathing. But he eventually took another breath and I left with the hope that not only would I see him Sunday but that he would keep going after I left on the Tuesday. Unfortunately that wasn't so.
On Saturday I went to the city with my Mum and Dad who had arranged for us to have dinner at my FAVOURITE restaurant. Because we had time to burn, we went shopping in QVB stopping at my FAVOURITE shop (Victoria's Secret). Just before I went to pay for my purchases J2 rang and gave me the news about Granddad. Sadly, Granddad had gone.
I extended my stay and tomorrow we put my Granddad to rest with Nana. The blessing is that they are together again. After Nana passed Granddad saw her around so we knew she was waiting for him.... Even though they are at peace and aren't suffering, the effect that everything that has happened has knocked myself and my paternal family for 6. I have been trying very hard to stay strong and the closer it gets to the funeral, the harder it gets.
I do not regret staying with Granddad. Not at all. Not one bit. But watching someone you love slowly die and become a frail shell is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and that is why in a small way, I am glad that I didn't see Nana when she passed.
The positive in this is that I have grown closer to my Aunty C, reconnected with my Uncle M, met my Aunty S and her awesome partner (who will forever be my chocolate pudding buddy)) and have also had better communication with my father J2 and his family.
I am going to try to keep it together the best I can tomorrow. I have organised an Australian native floral wreath for Grandads coffin and I have an Australian flag to go with it. I am still deciding which poem to read as I feel that the two I am stuck choosing between are both beautiful. I guess Granddad will be pleased with it....
so that is why I have been absent. I want to take the time to thank my beautiful family, frienmily and friends for their love and suppprt during this really hard time. Your love and support has kept me going and I am forever grateful for it.
I have still been training during this time and my nutrition has been ok. I will update soon but for now I need to get through tomorrow, get back to Brisbane and then grieve properly while getting back into my routine. Please pray or send positive vibes to my family. Thanks x
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Here, there and everywhere... Filling in the gaps
Yesterday I set my goals for the upcoming year. While reflecting on how many goals I achieved last year, I realised that I have not been posting here and my accountability has turned to absolute rubbish. I have not been filling in my nutrition for my online coaching with Luke and my training has not been very consistent at all.
So I am going to try my hardest to keep myself on track and also keep people who are interested in my journey up to date.
Last post I was preparing for my first ever City 2 Surf run back in 2013.
So how did I go with it?? WELL I was telling everyone that I was aiming to just finish but I had told Rachael that I wanted to finish it in under 2 hours..... And finish it in under 2 hours I did!!!!! 1:59:45!!! Just scraped in and I am so PROUD that I did :) It was hard. I was nervous. I was so afraid of not finishing I had to stop and pee within the first 2kms!!!
I will forever be grateful to my best friend and sister from another Mister, Peta for taking the plunge and running with me! After finishing the City 2 Surf I felt invincible. So much so that in September I ran the Bridge to Brisbane without running since the City 2 Surf! Again, I smashed my goal. Finished the 10km run in 77 minutes which was 2 minutes off my first ever Bridge to Brisbane.
Now onto 2014....
I know I am glossing over but a lot has happened in the last year and a half. I am trying my best to make sure I dont skip the important bits though :)
We began 2014 in our new house. The lease with DHA on our old house wasn't renewed in September so we were packed and moved to a much lovelier suburb and house. I am so grateful to live where we are now. My neighbours are amazing and I have made some really lovely true friends.
I have hit a lot of goals training with Luke. I came very close to my bench goal of 50 kilos (a goal that I have decided to aim for again this year!) and have discovered that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was! My favourite exercises are Bench Press, Close Grip Bench (aka the T-Rex lift), Stiff legged Deadlifts, Seated Row, Squats, Leg Press and Assisted Chin ups. Least favourite is and always will be split squats. *blergh*
I finished training with Luke at the end of September due to finances. I couldn't afford the investment so I a now training on my own at Goodlife in Carseldine, Chermside and Wintergarden (Brisbane City.) I have dropped the ball since finishing with Luke but that is my own fault for allowing myself to use not having a training buddy as an excuse.
I have actually begun enjoying doing my weight training on my own. I plug my headphones into my ipod and just do my own thing. I need to workout a schedule that matches my rotating roster and allows me to get 2 weight sessions and at least 3 ICE (Intense Cardio) done while also getting the usual household duties and responsibilities done. I really need to get my license!
Once again in 2014 I used every fun run I did (not that there were many due to illness and injury.) to try and raise some money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation of NSW. The Everyday Hero page is still open for a few more months.. If you want to help me reach my goal by donating or sharing the link I would really appreciate it! The link is: https://give.everydayhero.com/au/ness-e-beck I am $227.50 off my goal!! Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me by donating or sharing the link as well as cheering me on every step of the way!!!!
I kicked off my running year in May doing the 8km Mother's Day Classic. Smashed the previous record and finished it in 54:04!
Next run was the City 2 Surf. I had a few challenges before my 2nd City 2 Surf. Two weeks before the run I picked up a sweet pair of orthodics to help sort out my plantar fascitis. I have to admit it made the run interesting and rather painful towards the end... I had blisters on the arches of my feet and the pads of my toes.... But I kept going. I finished it in 1:49:53. 9 minutes 52 seconds faster than my first year. I don't know what made me smash so much off my time... I rang my friend Diana just as I was approaching Heartbreak Hill. I was so nervous despite making Heartbreak Hill my bitch previously that I guess I just needed to hear one of the many people who believed in me to give me that boost as I was running alone this year... I ran up that hill picturing my parents and my brother R waiting for me at the finish line. I remember hitting the 11km mark. My feet were so sore. I felt like I just wanted to give up. So I sent my Dad a txt telling him I would be there soon. That gave me the determination to keep going... I hit the 12km mark and then I saw Bondi Beach... I remember putting one foot in front of the other and saying to myself "I can do this. I'm nearly done. I can do this. Keep going." and switching to "You are a champ. You can do this." I'm not going to lie I also had all sorts of scenarios of crossing the finish line going through my head. It helped me ignore the pain in my feet. As soon as I crossed the 13km mark I rang my Dad. I remember yelling "DAD! I'm coming! I'll be there soon!" and my poor Dad trying to make sense of what I was yelling at him on the phone. As soon as I hit where the crowds were I put in the extra effort not knowing where my family were and if they were watching... My Dad got some video of me on his phone running around the last corner. I didn't know where they were and by that point all I wanted to do was cross that line and get to a toilet as all the water I had been drinking from my waterpack as well as the gatorades decided to hit me right then haha. I crossed the line and when I looked at my watch I cried a few tears of happiness. I was aiming for 2 minutes off my previous time. Nearly 10 minutes was a big shock for me!! It took me at least that amount of time to get from the finish line to my family... We then caught buses to the station and a train to the city where we went and ate at Mamak's!!! Mamak's is one of my FAVOURITE restaurants in Sydney!
I don't think I have any complaint about that day! Apart from the blisters lol.
Well I have to go get ready for work tomorrow so I'll leave it here for now... I will post again either tomorrow or the day after with Bridge to Brisbane and the rest of 2014. I also want to post my plans and goals for the year so that I have it somewhere other than Facebook....
So I am going to try my hardest to keep myself on track and also keep people who are interested in my journey up to date.
Last post I was preparing for my first ever City 2 Surf run back in 2013.
So how did I go with it?? WELL I was telling everyone that I was aiming to just finish but I had told Rachael that I wanted to finish it in under 2 hours..... And finish it in under 2 hours I did!!!!! 1:59:45!!! Just scraped in and I am so PROUD that I did :) It was hard. I was nervous. I was so afraid of not finishing I had to stop and pee within the first 2kms!!!
I know I am glossing over but a lot has happened in the last year and a half. I am trying my best to make sure I dont skip the important bits though :)
We began 2014 in our new house. The lease with DHA on our old house wasn't renewed in September so we were packed and moved to a much lovelier suburb and house. I am so grateful to live where we are now. My neighbours are amazing and I have made some really lovely true friends.
I have hit a lot of goals training with Luke. I came very close to my bench goal of 50 kilos (a goal that I have decided to aim for again this year!) and have discovered that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was! My favourite exercises are Bench Press, Close Grip Bench (aka the T-Rex lift), Stiff legged Deadlifts, Seated Row, Squats, Leg Press and Assisted Chin ups. Least favourite is and always will be split squats. *blergh*
I finished training with Luke at the end of September due to finances. I couldn't afford the investment so I a now training on my own at Goodlife in Carseldine, Chermside and Wintergarden (Brisbane City.) I have dropped the ball since finishing with Luke but that is my own fault for allowing myself to use not having a training buddy as an excuse.
I have actually begun enjoying doing my weight training on my own. I plug my headphones into my ipod and just do my own thing. I need to workout a schedule that matches my rotating roster and allows me to get 2 weight sessions and at least 3 ICE (Intense Cardio) done while also getting the usual household duties and responsibilities done. I really need to get my license!
Once again in 2014 I used every fun run I did (not that there were many due to illness and injury.) to try and raise some money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation of NSW. The Everyday Hero page is still open for a few more months.. If you want to help me reach my goal by donating or sharing the link I would really appreciate it! The link is: https://give.everydayhero.com/au/ness-e-beck I am $227.50 off my goal!! Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me by donating or sharing the link as well as cheering me on every step of the way!!!!
I kicked off my running year in May doing the 8km Mother's Day Classic. Smashed the previous record and finished it in 54:04!
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| Just after starting the run |
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| Medal number 2! |
I don't think I have any complaint about that day! Apart from the blisters lol.
Well I have to go get ready for work tomorrow so I'll leave it here for now... I will post again either tomorrow or the day after with Bridge to Brisbane and the rest of 2014. I also want to post my plans and goals for the year so that I have it somewhere other than Facebook....
Monday, July 1, 2013
When one door closes another one opens and then you break a toe or two....
Things have just been crazy lately... Since my last entry I was just floating along through my training and just generally letting things get me down. Nothing in particular but some really stupid things really got me feeling really down. I was seriously starting to doubt my own self-worth and everything I had accomplished so far when life decided to throw me a few curve balls.
The first happened nearly two weeks ago. I had had a crazy day at work and as always on a Thursday I was starting to get really tired. So I went to my session honestly not really wanting to. Since I had my phone on silent I didn't receive my txt from DRok and was just a little surprised to find him coming down the stairs when I got to the studio. He said he wanted to go for a walk and talk. Of course me being me I assumed the worst and my mind went into overdrive. Of course I was right. He decided that he didn't want to train me anymore because he can't be the trainer I need.Needless to say, that threw me for six. We went back to the studio and did our last session together which was legs. I smashed the female leg press record. 261 kilos for 8 reps. Was good to go out on a high.
You know what they say though, when one door closes another one opens. The next door to open is actually something I'm really excited about... I had a meeting with Luke from MP last week and we discussed me training with him.Luke is one of the best trainers in the Metabolic Precision program. There is an article about him in the inspirational trainers section. Click on the link and have a read... We sat down and had a chat and Luke asked where I was motivation-wise and I said a 6/10. We discussed motivation and how it helps with strength training and I have decided that until I feel that I am back up to 10/10 and have my drive and my 'why' I'm training I'm only going to do group training which is ICE. I'll also be doing some ICE training on my own as soon as my toes heal. When I'm back on track I'll talk to Luke about strength sessions. I'm really happy to be back at MP doing the group sessions.I've really missed them. The atmosphere there is just awesome and I absolutely love the people. I feel like I belong there. I am also looking forward to seeing the results from this part of the journey.
The second curve ball came that Sunday... I broke my little toe and possibly the one next to it. I've never had a broken bone before so I'm actually rather distressed that it had to happen now and be such a stupid break! It hurts like hell considering how little it is and this will be my second week off training.
Third curve ball? I may have to stay in Brisbane when DH goes to Albury. While I'm not going to give up without a fight and try as hard as I can to get home to where I need to be for me, I'm a little discouraged. I hate that I can't plan anything in my life without having to wait and see what DH's career and bosses have to say. I know that it's part of the life blah blah blah but it would be nice to have some sort of control of MY life. After all the only document I signed was my wedding certificate and I'm pretty sure it didn't mean I became controlled by the green machine. I'm not complaining just venting.
Right now, right at this very minute though, I'm feeling a little depressed about not training and working. I've lost my focus nutrition-wise and I'm actually really embarrassed and disgusted with my food choices. Over the weekend I indulged in pizza, curry, burritos and worst of all KFC... So I guess it's no real surprise that I feel like crap... I've been putting crap into my body...
I am trying REALLY hard to stay positive I really am just a few things have me feeling a little um 'emotional'. Tomorrow I am going to try and take my dog for a walk. I'm going to do my weekly food prep and am going to stick to the nutrition rules of metabolic precision. I am also thinking of starting to record my food in my diary again. I'm pretty lucky, I don't think I've gained too much if anything over the last few weeks thank goodness for that. I need to get back on track and not lose all that hardwork...
The trip to Newcastle went well. It was REALLY cold which was yukky but I had a great time catching up and spending quality time with my inlaws. I got two runs in and while I wasn't happy with my times I have to admit I am proud of the fact that I ran up all those hills and only died going up one ONCE!!! My nutrition wasn't too bad either although I did indulge in a few delicious goodies :)
It's one month and 11 days until the City 2 Surf. I'm not sure how I'll go but I am hoping to be able to get some training in before it. Peta is off on injury too atm so keep your fingers crossed everyone that we can heal quickly, get some training in and smash that run!
This month I am also doing Dry July in memory of my friends and family and friends and family of my friends who have died of cancer. The money I raise will be going to help Nepean Cancer Centre which is in my hometown of Penrith NSW. The Cancer centre provides awesome care for cancaer patients in the Penrith and Blue Mountains areas. This is the link: https://au.dryjuly.com/profile/nessharris. Please help me by donating what you can or sharing this link and helping me get the word out there. I'm actually looking forward to having an alcohol-free month. It can't do any harm can it? :)
Thanks for taking the time to read this and sorry for the sad sap parts... Peace out Rabbits and I'll post again sooner then last time! ;)
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