Week 9 over and out...

So before I go into my week(which has been absolutely AMAZING!) I'm going to plug D-Rok's site.... Go to  http://fitterhealthierstronger.com/ and check out the blog of one of MY inspirations... I guarantee you'll walk away feeling inspired and will learn so many new things...One of the things that makes David one of the best is his life experience beating cancer...Go check it out... GO!!! ;) 

Sooooo Hawaii is getting closer and closer and my tummy is doing crazy flip flops... I had litte fit of over excitement the other night and ran around the house like a loon... This totally backfired when I landed flat on my fat arse and back in my hallway... Good times good times lol.... Finishing work yesterday made it even more real and I'm alittle frightened about how I will look in my tankini. I  tried it on again last night before putting it in my suitcase and I'm totally freaked out. I dont see what I want to... To me I see the big thighs (which are lilly white) and the tummy (which I will admit has shrunk)...  I am so grateful I didnt go through measurements before Hawaii like I originally wanted to.*sigh* 
Training wise (yes I am changing the topic) this week has been absolutely AWESOME!!!
Mondays leg session was pretty good. D made some crack about hitting my goal for the leg press next week and I'm a little nervous.... 200 kilos is massive but if we do go there I'm going to give it my best shot. I've already missed one goal and whats the point in having a goal if you arent going to try to achieve it?  
On Tuesday I braved the cold and  for an awesome ICE  boxing session with Sean. As always it was a pleasure and I see him destined for great things... Just dont forget me Sean!!! ;)Wednesday.... Well since it was my last Wednesday before Hawaii I simply HAD to go to the 6:30 circuit session which had my little eyeballs steaming hardcore and then my chest session at 4:45...  I think it was the first Wednesday in a while that I wasnt using stress or anger to fuel my session but I still did relatively ok 9I think)Thursday's back session was awesome!!! I did 4 chinups in a row!!!!! Theyre getting a little easier to do I just have to believe in myself.. I think my self doubt affects some of my training, for example, I can do push ups off my toes but when D says I have to do them I freeze and can't do it as easily as I can at group.  So when I come back I'm going to try the "I can do it" approach... Maybe it'll help??? 
I'm really proud of how well today's group session went... Last time I did a group session with Jazza I seriously nearly threw up and passed out... Today I was ok... Either he went easy on me or my fitness has improved a shitload!!!!  It was an absolutely beautiful day which made it even better! 
I've been really happy and relaxed all day, it's really strange... I have so much to do but I'm just cruising along not stressing.. I think I'm zenning out! 

I'm sure I had more to say but its just gone out of my head.. Oh yes week of the wedding I got 92 or 94% food compliance.... WINNING!!!!
Better stop procrastinating and get some packing and cleaning done... I'll post when I get to Hawaii and have some photos...
Have an awesome weekend everyone!

WINNING!!!

Thankfully the universe has decided to stop whipping my ass and give me a break! WOOHOO!!!
Things have started going up since Fridays ass kicking.... Feeling so much better... Not on top of the world just yet but definately alot better and smiling my guts out :)
Yesterdays ICE session with the Iceman was awesome as always.... Even though it was grey and rather cold the park was still beautiful to train... I went so hard I got a it felt like I had a big ball of prickles in my throat and I honestly thought I was going to throw up... For some strange reason when I did push ups off my knees (he made me do them off my toes to begin with) I felt like I was a machine that could just do it over and over.. I'm paying for that today though, my abs, back and side hurt... Next Saturday Jazza is taking group so I am going to have to make sure I get plenty of sleep as he's an absolute machine! Should be good to get such a massive ICE session in before Hawaii though..
So last night my Brisbane Mum stayed over and we went to go visit the lovely A. Since we were celebrating the return of Brisbane Dad we got pizza for dinner.. Yes! I was naughty and ate pizza and it was delicious!!! Not the best pizza ever but I still enjoyed it... I'm proud of the fact that I didnt freak out over it either but I was also starving and wouldve eaten a horse if it was put in front of me LOL... To be honest I was more interested in the people I was with then obsessing over what will happen from one non metabolically precise meal. There is hope for me yet! ;)
This morning I was privileged to accompany Brisbane Mum to the airport and be there for her reunion with Brisbane Dad... The perfect description of their reunion would be true happiness..  It really made my heart smile to see Brisbane mum so happy and I am so happy to see Brisbane Dad home safe and sound... I've never seen Mum2 run so fast either LOL... To the other brave men and women who came home today I am so proud of you and grateful for the sacrifice you and your families have made... For my lovely friends who are still waiting I hope that your time to wait at the airport comes quickly and that you soon feel the arms of the one you love around you. I am proud of you for keeping your shit together, staying strong and am so proud to call you my friend. The life we lead isnt always easy but you can't say it's boring :)
After Mum2 had dropped me home I had a quick bite to eat and went to Chermside to grab a heater, electric blanket (it's bloody cold this winter) and a few other items for Hawaii... I also decided to give finding a pair of swimmers another go.I have no idea what possessed me to do it, maybe it was the fact that I can now fit back into my Calvin Klein jeans that I havent been able to wear in YEARS or the fact that my newer pair of jeans are now hanging off me I dont know.... I went to go into the swimmers store and then decided to go into Target instead... I'm so glad I did, I now have a tankini for Hawaii and I scored it for under $20!!! WINNING!!!! I am going to look at bikinis in Hawaii depending on how I go.. We'll see... I will post a photo when I'm there....
Today has been a rather productive day. I have 3 nights worth of dinners and all of this weeks lunch prepared and stored in the fridge/freezer, I have got my housework under some sort of control, I have fixed a few technical errors with the computer and playstaion AND I put together my new oil heater...  My work uniform and gym gear have been washed so I will just pack them into my bag or whatever... I'm hoping that this is a sign of the week to come. 
1 week 3 days left until Hawaii... I can't wait to go and be free of the cold and lingering sadness that seems to stick to me here. I also can't wait to see my parents and brother. I know it's only been a week but I just need to touch base. Last weekend was too quick a visit and I'm really looking forward to experiencing my first overseas trip! 
 I got 92.3% compliance for food last week... Not bad considering I had a rough week and went to a wedding.... I guess it's just proof that you dont have to be obsessive, just consistent... For those who are interested in learning more go to http://fitterhealthierstronger.com/ and check out the awesome info and blog by the one and only D-Rok... Feel free to ask him the question you've been asking me as he would have the proper and informed answers...
 Anyway I better be off to do my efile and send it off.. Night! Have an amazing night and week!

I am titanium

Before I go into yesterday's events I would like to sincerely thank each and every one of you for the beautiful messages, emails, facebook comments, private chats and face to face comments on my last entry... They made me cry yes but it was really uplifting and just overwhelming to receive such beautiful , kind and supportive comments... It means so much that you took the time to show me support and send me words of encouragement... Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
So yesterday I woke up after an awful nights sleep (I kept thinking someone was in the backyard) and honestly felt like I had been hit by a truck. I looked in the mirror and had a flashback to Wednesday afternoon and just wanted to stay in bed... I got up and as always sat at my computer with my breakfast looking for quotes to start my day on a positive note. It was then that I pulled myself together and got my head cleared... Everyone stumbles on a journey, it's whether you get up and keep moving or lie down and give up that is whats important... I figure if I can keep on moving after 6 1/2 years of oppression, 8 months of being stalked by said oppressor and getting through the crazy shit that has happened since DH left for overseas 4 months ago I can move on from looking unpleasant in a bikini...
Just as I start to piece together after the bikini incident the universe kicks me so hard I wind up on my ass.  Seriously what the hell are you trying to tell me? Because I'm sitting here extremely confused and broken... What else do I need to do? I'm putting in 200% effort, I pass my days keeping on moving on and try to not let the fear triggered from the backyard prowler  overtake me too much yet it still isnt enough... I get knocked down, I get up and get knocked down again.. Seriously what the hell? Am I ever going to hit the point where I am good enough??? 


At the risk of getting yet another asskicking from the universe, tomorrow is another day and I will pick myself up dust myself off and keep on going stronger then before. I'd be lying if I said that no part of me wants to just lie down and admit defeat... Part of me wants to crawl into a hole and just hibernate but whats the point?? I have 1 week 5 days until I'm on a plane out of here and I can be free...  Hawaii is one of the few things keeping me from going back down the fun ride that is depression. But how long can someone stay strong for? There's got to be a breaking point somewhere and I am honestly scared of hitting mine as it wont be pretty... Anyways had to get that out.  Part of my new mantra...

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."~ Unknown

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterdays session consisted of back and chest... And instead of doing pull ups DRok decided to get me to do chin ups... I couldnt even do 4 in a row because of me and my stupid brain... The bikini thing has left me with alot of doubt in myself so it came as a massive surprise that I had gone up 5 kilos in my bench press! Watch out 40 kilos I'm coming your way!!!  Dumbbell single row was really hard but I got through it...  I'm actually a litte proud of my session yesterday with the exception of having to bite my tongue... When D told me I had gone up 5 kilos the first thing that popped into my head was the response "and how the hell is this going to get me into my bikni?" lol...I did keep my mouth shut though 
Tomorrow is group in the morning and I'm looking forward to it... I will be using todays asskicking and the bikini incident as my driving force to get me up those damn hills lol... I will also be squeezing in my ICE session from Wednesday in on Sunday... 
I hope you all have an amazing weekend and once again thank you so much for your support.. I better go to bed my eyelids are starting to close...  As strong as I am I can't evade sleep when I am like this lol :)
 

Keep holding on

So it seems the universe is enjoying kicking my ass savagely..  Today I started swimsuit shopping for Hawaii... Words fail to express how much it crushed my spirit.. The one thing I have wanted so badly and worked so hard for isnt going to happen when I want it. I was starting to feel good about myself and the way I look especially after the wedding and when I saw myself in a bikini I honestly just wanted to crawl into a hole and die... I'm grateful I had such a lovely sales assistant, she was so kind in her attempts to try and cheer me up... She even offered me tissues... 
While I am fully aware that it is not the end of the world and that there are positives that can be drawn from this experience it's just really hard for me.. I have tried and worked so hard to reach that goal and knowing that I havent met my deadline has absolutely gutted me. I have made so many changes, heck I even ate BROCCOLINI  for crying out loud! I have done all of this while working, running a household on my own and holding my shit together which isnt as easy as one would think... I have gone without sleep, I have given 200% and I have put my training before alot of things yet this afternoon I stood in the change room of the swimsuit store wanting to give it all up and just melt into the floor.. The old feelings of self loathing and disgust started to come back which made me cry even harder. The whole reason I'm doinmg this is to go forwards not backwards....
So I wound up arriving to the studio ten minutes late for my session and not being able to look at anyone. I think it's the first time I've ever gone flying up those stairs and gone straight to the bathroom to change without saying hi to everyone and or answering Jazza's greeting with my usual saying of "All the better for seeing you"...  I was so flustered I nearly flew straight into my friend S who is my sister from another mister... Of course she asked what was wrong and I just couldnt bear to tell her. For so many months now I have been going on about my bikini and Hawaii and I was worried about looking like an absolute idiot.. When DRok came to say hi I couldnt look him in the eye or even give him a hug. Of course he picked up something was wrong and instead of making me do chest we went downstairs and just talked... I tell you this much D-Rok is the greatest and best trainer in the whole universe.. We sat, he listened and let me cry without doing the usual uncomfortable male with a crying female thing... 
As much as I was thinking I wanted to quit, I honestly dont think I could. I have so much more to achieve and to skip training is something I just cant handle... I missed this mornings group session as I really needed some sleep and I still feel guilty... Not that I should, rest is just as important as training itself. I just have this insane fear of putting anything back on.... It's too hard to lose it!!! I also really enjoy training... I have achieved so much already!!!
So I am going to keep on going, I am going to get into that bikini and when I do get there it's going to be all the more sweeter because I will have this experience to compare it to....
But until then I am going to pin this photo and the burlesque one to my fridge because even though I may not have the flat tummy and perfect bikini body I have still made a shitload of progress and that in itself is an accomplishment..... I will keep holding on and staying strong because where's the point in giving up?

So thank you to D and my beautiful Brisbane Mum for letting me cry my tears and for catching me when I fell....Thank you for giving my the encouragement and support to put myself together and keep going..... I cant think of any words that can express how much it means to me x

 

Week 8

So I thought week 7 was hard..Last week had been yet another emotionally challenging week for me... 
Training was been awesome. I am so proud of how well I am doing. Granted I have had my moments of struggles (I lost my balance with the dumbbells in my chest session on Wednesday... I was so embarrassed all I could do was laugh) but all in all it's been a pretty good week... 
This week training has been a bit of a mix due to work shifts and my trip home for my Granddads wedding. Monday was legs and I really enjoyed it...Felt it for a few days afterward though!! Wednesday was my 6:30 group cardio circuit (which I just made it in time for) and 4:45 chest sessions... I love the early morning session its definately worth getting up at 4:30 for!! Thursday was my back session and I was disappointed to be demoted from chin ups to pull ups... While DRok had very good reasons for changing it I felt rather sad.. Oh well there's always next week :)
Friday I flew home. I landed got picked up by my amazing Dad who dropped me off at Strathfield and caught a train to Penrith... I tell you this much PENRITH YOUR BUS SERVICE SUCKS BIG TIME! Maybe come see how Brisbane transport do it.. Not one bus was going anywhere and there were about 10 of them there! So I caught a cab to the gym and did a cardio session with Mum and my Aunty Lyn... I am amazed that I smashed out 10 minutes on the rowing machine after 15 on a bike. I hate the rowing machine... I missed Saturday group obviously and didnt get time to do any ICE so I went for a run on Sunday morning... My aim was to at least run all the way up these two hills that I usually have problems with... I'm proud to say I smashed them both although I may have looked a little weird... I was yelling at myself not to stop.... Whatever works right? LOL
Today was the beginning of week 9... I had a legs session which was pretty awesome and ended with 170 kilos on the legs press... I swear it was easier last time lol... Not far off my goal of 200...I have 2 weeks and 2 days left until I get on that plane and I'm really starting to freak out... While I'm extremely pleased with how I'm progressing my tummy isnt where I want to be... I dont think I'll be on that beach in a bikini and it's alittle disheartening, Not that I'm giving up, I've worked damned hard to get where I am I'm just disappointed that everything I have put into this isnt enough....  I guess all I can do is my best and see how I go :)
I will write a proper entry later on in the week... I am tired  after such a big weekend and the emotional rollercoaster that has ensued and need to get my gear ready and head to bed...
Ill post some photos of my amazing outfit and family next time 
Night xx

I can see the finish line...

Wow. Week 7 is well and truly over and man has it been a hard one! I feel like I've been on the wildest emotional rollercoaster ever! The crappiest part about it is that not only did I let it get me down and wound up not only having two days off work sick (it made me physically ill too)but nearly crying in the middle of my legs session on Monday. Embarrassment much? Good thing I can hold my shit together..
Anyway all things aside I made it through another week and did pretty well with my food with the exception of a tiny slice of chocolate cake. Yes I had chocolate cake. Delicious gluten free chocolate cake...  As much as I enjoyed it I was so overcome with guilt I seriously considered sticking my fingers down my throat and throwing it up. Fortunately I caught myself and mentally slapped myself in the head.. It's easy to stick your fingers down your throat and purge yourself but in the end not only are you ruining the hard work you're putting everything into but you're taking the easy quick fix solution and since when has that been either healthy or successful? Then there's the fact that it's a bulimic tendency and that is so not my thing at all... The reason I am sharing this (which is extremely hard for me, I'm not proud of my moment of stupidity) is that there is a fine line between dedication and crazy obsession. I have 3 weeks and 3 days until I fly out to Hawaii and I am putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to get into that bikini. I am putting everything I can into my training and my food (although this week I havent gotten in as many meals as I normally do). I am aiming to get 100% compliance which isnt as easy as I thought it would be. I have hit 100 once this cycle but have mainly been in the 80's.In the quest to hit that 100% I am forgetting that the important part of life is to LIVE!!!  I'm not going to be '25' forever (although I plan on it for atleast another year LOL) so where is the harm in a little slice of chocolate cake or a lovely Wild Turkey American Honey and coke Zero? As long as it's an occasional thing and I'm consistent where is the harm in enjoying it? I don't want to be 80 years old looking back on my life and regretting all the things I missed just because I was obsessed with getting into that bikini. So the chocolate cake stayed and is on my food file which I have to finish completing and send to D-Rok. Fingers crossed I can at least hit 90% as I got 94.2 last week....
Training this week has been good. Legs went well, boxing this week nearly killed me, I started attending a group circuit session which was awesome and I went up on weights for chest. I can now bench press 32 kilos!!!! WINNING!!!! :D My back session was good. For the second week in a row I did chin ups.Yes I do chin ups now! Still need to work on my form but I'm secretly (well now not so secretly) pleased that I can do them even though they are insanely hard! Saturday's ICE session with the Iceman was awesome as always and I am starting to enjoy those hill sprints... I did 4 (I think?) and ran all the way up for 3 of them. The last one my legs were screaming for mercy and I stopped just shy of the top. I'm not looking forward to missing next Saturdays ICE session but  I will be substituting it with running up a massive hill near my Mums house and around the suburb where she lives. So should any of my friends in the area see me running around GP feel free to wait for me at the Gloria Jeans at the shops, no doubt I'll be hammered by then and may need to stop for water LOL... 
Week 8 starts tomorrow and I am looking forward to kicking it's ass! I can't believe I'm so close to the finish line... There's a group circuit at 6:30 in the morning that normally I cant attend due to work but I dont know if I can make it due to public holiday timetable so I might just go for a run around my suburb in the morning. I love running. I'm absolutely shit at it but when I run I feel free. I put my ipod on and just lose myself to the music. I seem to find alot of solutions when I run, it's like it clears my mind and helps me put it all into perspective.. I've also got to start  training for the Bridge to Brisbane. The Iceman has promised me that he's doing the 10k so I dont want to die or go through the pain I did for the Mothers Day classic..
This week I am also going home for the weekend. My Granddad is getting married so I am putting on my beautiful Diana Ferrari dress that I bought today and getting fully dolled up for it.. I'll post pictures when I get back :)
Week after next I am going to start looking at bikinis for Hawaii... I'm totally freaking out. Today's experience of trying on dresses has made me a little nervous but I'm going to go for it. “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” and I dont think it can get any worse then trying on clothes that were obviously designed for stick people. Seriously when are these clothes designers going to realise that not all women are stick thin with no shape or boobs???  Cant wait to go to Hawaii and go shopping there! Will be nice to get into a dress that my boobs will fit into or that my arms can fit through (seriously THEY ARENT THAT BIG!!). Will post photos if I'm feeling brave. For now I will post two photos that give me the WOW factor... The first picture was taken in September 2011 at a fairy party. This was before I started my life changing MP journey with D-Rok and the amazing people at Prestige Lifestyles.

 Pretty scary huh? The next photo was taken last Saturday at a friends Burlesque themed birthday party...  I look at this and cant get over how much I've changed... My arms, my face, my legs and my whole body really... Granted I'm in a corset but my body has changed so much since those days....

 Anyway I hope everyone has an amazing week and enjoy your public holiday Monday!!! :)