Before I go into yesterday's events I would like to sincerely thank each and every one of you for the beautiful messages, emails, facebook comments, private chats and face to face comments on my last entry... They made me cry yes but it was really uplifting and just overwhelming to receive such beautiful , kind and supportive comments... It means so much that you took the time to show me support and send me words of encouragement... Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
So yesterday I woke up after an awful nights sleep (I kept thinking someone was in the backyard) and honestly felt like I had been hit by a truck. I looked in the mirror and had a flashback to Wednesday afternoon and just wanted to stay in bed... I got up and as always sat at my computer with my breakfast looking for quotes to start my day on a positive note. It was then that I pulled myself together and got my head cleared... Everyone stumbles on a journey, it's whether you get up and keep moving or lie down and give up that is whats important... I figure if I can keep on moving after 6 1/2 years of oppression, 8 months of being stalked by said oppressor and getting through the crazy shit that has happened since DH left for overseas 4 months ago I can move on from looking unpleasant in a bikini...
Just as I start to piece together after the bikini incident the universe kicks me so hard I wind up on my ass. Seriously what the hell are you trying to tell me? Because I'm sitting here extremely confused and broken... What else do I need to do? I'm putting in 200% effort, I pass my days keeping on moving on and try to not let the fear triggered from the backyard prowler overtake me too much yet it still isnt enough... I get knocked down, I get up and get knocked down again.. Seriously what the hell? Am I ever going to hit the point where I am good enough???
At the risk of getting yet another asskicking from the universe, tomorrow is another day and I will pick myself up dust myself off and keep on going stronger then before. I'd be lying if I said that no part of me wants to just lie down and admit defeat... Part of me wants to crawl into a hole and just hibernate but whats the point?? I have 1 week 5 days until I'm on a plane out of here and I can be free... Hawaii is one of the few things keeping me from going back down the fun ride that is depression. But how long can someone stay strong for? There's got to be a breaking point somewhere and I am honestly scared of hitting mine as it wont be pretty... Anyways had to get that out. Part of my new mantra...
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.- Ralph Waldo EmersonYesterdays session consisted of back and chest... And instead of doing pull ups DRok decided to get me to do chin ups... I couldnt even do 4 in a row because of me and my stupid brain... The bikini thing has left me with alot of doubt in myself so it came as a massive surprise that I had gone up 5 kilos in my bench press! Watch out 40 kilos I'm coming your way!!! Dumbbell single row was really hard but I got through it... I'm actually a litte proud of my session yesterday with the exception of having to bite my tongue... When D told me I had gone up 5 kilos the first thing that popped into my head was the response "and how the hell is this going to get me into my bikni?" lol...I did keep my mouth shut though
Tomorrow is group in the morning and I'm looking forward to it... I will be using todays asskicking and the bikini incident as my driving force to get me up those damn hills lol... I will also be squeezing in my ICE session from Wednesday in on Sunday...
I hope you all have an amazing weekend and once again thank you so much for your support.. I better go to bed my eyelids are starting to close... As strong as I am I can't evade sleep when I am like this lol :)
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