Keep holding on

So it seems the universe is enjoying kicking my ass savagely..  Today I started swimsuit shopping for Hawaii... Words fail to express how much it crushed my spirit.. The one thing I have wanted so badly and worked so hard for isnt going to happen when I want it. I was starting to feel good about myself and the way I look especially after the wedding and when I saw myself in a bikini I honestly just wanted to crawl into a hole and die... I'm grateful I had such a lovely sales assistant, she was so kind in her attempts to try and cheer me up... She even offered me tissues... 
While I am fully aware that it is not the end of the world and that there are positives that can be drawn from this experience it's just really hard for me.. I have tried and worked so hard to reach that goal and knowing that I havent met my deadline has absolutely gutted me. I have made so many changes, heck I even ate BROCCOLINI  for crying out loud! I have done all of this while working, running a household on my own and holding my shit together which isnt as easy as one would think... I have gone without sleep, I have given 200% and I have put my training before alot of things yet this afternoon I stood in the change room of the swimsuit store wanting to give it all up and just melt into the floor.. The old feelings of self loathing and disgust started to come back which made me cry even harder. The whole reason I'm doinmg this is to go forwards not backwards....
So I wound up arriving to the studio ten minutes late for my session and not being able to look at anyone. I think it's the first time I've ever gone flying up those stairs and gone straight to the bathroom to change without saying hi to everyone and or answering Jazza's greeting with my usual saying of "All the better for seeing you"...  I was so flustered I nearly flew straight into my friend S who is my sister from another mister... Of course she asked what was wrong and I just couldnt bear to tell her. For so many months now I have been going on about my bikini and Hawaii and I was worried about looking like an absolute idiot.. When DRok came to say hi I couldnt look him in the eye or even give him a hug. Of course he picked up something was wrong and instead of making me do chest we went downstairs and just talked... I tell you this much D-Rok is the greatest and best trainer in the whole universe.. We sat, he listened and let me cry without doing the usual uncomfortable male with a crying female thing... 
As much as I was thinking I wanted to quit, I honestly dont think I could. I have so much more to achieve and to skip training is something I just cant handle... I missed this mornings group session as I really needed some sleep and I still feel guilty... Not that I should, rest is just as important as training itself. I just have this insane fear of putting anything back on.... It's too hard to lose it!!! I also really enjoy training... I have achieved so much already!!!
So I am going to keep on going, I am going to get into that bikini and when I do get there it's going to be all the more sweeter because I will have this experience to compare it to....
But until then I am going to pin this photo and the burlesque one to my fridge because even though I may not have the flat tummy and perfect bikini body I have still made a shitload of progress and that in itself is an accomplishment..... I will keep holding on and staying strong because where's the point in giving up?

So thank you to D and my beautiful Brisbane Mum for letting me cry my tears and for catching me when I fell....Thank you for giving my the encouragement and support to put myself together and keep going..... I cant think of any words that can express how much it means to me x