A bit of a personal post....

Trying to beat my misery,Don't wanna go across the sea,
And if I could take you everywhere,There'd be no cause for my despair,
And I know we won't touch for months,And your smell will evade me,
But our love could survive a war,Without the slightest sore,
I know you suffer for my art,Always pulling us apart,
Your forever in my brain,Even when I cause you pain,
And I know I can't taste your skin,With an ocean between us,
But our love is a dinosaur, Hear it roar -Dinosaur Kisschasy

 I thought I'd have a little vent instead of smiling and pretending that all is wonderful in the world because while it is every other day today isnt one of those days.... So for the first time in just over two months I had a mini meltdown for no good reason... Well it wasnt for no good reason, I just let the feeling of loneliness wash over me and win. (BIG mistake)
People have been telling me that I'm brave and strong but if thats the case then can someone please explain why I sat on the floor of my shower this morning and cried like a little kid or why this afternoon I curled up in my bed and bawled like nothing else? Doesnt seem too brave or strong to me... 
I guess what set it off was having an absolutely amazing weekend with my sister in law. We are quite close, I actually consider her MY sister and not DH's. It's been the first time I have been around family since he left and it just felt so good to be around someone who I didnt have to wear my mask for. It was nice to be able to talk to someone face to face and tell them what has been on my mind and in my heart for the last two weeks, how I have struggled to keep my shit together and not go off my brain at some people.It was nice to be able to discuss things that have hurt me deeply with someone who understands the whole situation not just my part. It's not that I dont have an amazing support network, I do. I am so grateful to have such wonderful and supportive frienmily. Believe me when I say that if I didnt have them I dont think I wouldve made it through the first 24 hours let alone 2 months. There are no words that can express how much I love and thank you for being who you are and listening to my crazy rants, holding my hand on the hard days and cheering me on  on the great days... .
SIL left last night and even at the best of times I'm not the best at goodbyes (ask anyone in my family or even my frienmily I really should invest in kleenex lol). As much as I love it here in my little piece of paradise with my beautiful frienmily, I miss the closeness of family.  My next family count down has started and at this moment stands at 1 month and 10 days. At the rate time is passing it will come and go in no time especially seeing that I'm not extremely excited about the occasion. For those of you who know what I am talking about dont you dare judge me, it is ok for you to be fine and dandy with it you have all had time to adjust to this and get to know each other. I havent. It's not that i'm unhappy, quite the opposite I am so happy that they have each other its just one of those things. 
Anyway all that said and done I'm sure that it will be a beautiful occasion and I will be happy to meet my new family members as well as see the old....

Tomorrow sees the beginning of week 3 of the Body transformation challenge. I'm looking forward to it although I do hope my legs are feeling better before my session. I ran 4ks in 32 minutes today. My average pace was 7:59/km and my best was 6:25/km. With any luck next Sunday I will smash my 2010 time of 31 minutes even if its only by a minute... Fingers crossed!!!
I have had an ok week foodwise. As I have spent two days in the dentist I have had more liquid meals then solid but the way I see it is at least I'm still putting some sort of fuel into my body... 
I tried out omelettes with chicken cheese and shallots on Friday morning and I absolutely LOVED IT! I'm going to go prep for tomorrow morning so I can have some more!! I'm trying to figure out the best way to prep so that I can have them for breakfast more then once or twice a week... Might have to make them for breakfast on days I close and start late... mmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
I will be doing a post about meeting Heston Blumenthal  on Friday as soon as the photos get uploaded... I have to say it was a great experience one that I will always remember!  I also want to do a shout out  to one of my family friends Shiraz. Shiraz has done an absolutely amazing job of getting halfway to her goal weight with no trainer just herself, a good eating plan and the gym. I'm so proud of you Shiraz you are doing such an awesome job and I look forward to seeing you when I come home! Maybe we could do a bikini run around GP? ;)
Anyways I best be off, I've got food to prep and dishes to wash. Hope everyone is well! xsx

And the strength kick starts again.....

So I have started the next body transformation challenge on Monday. Did an extremely hard legs session (well it seemed hard because of the 2 week break) which I still feel in my legs. Yesterday I had a massively insane ICE session on the rowing machine with a 'surprise' (and I use the term quite loosely) of stair runs for a minute and a half... As much I as like D-Rok I had a moment where I was planning on ways of killing him andnot getting caught.. I was alsostarting to see devil horns coming out of his head.. (I say this in the most nicest possible way D :D) Seriously though I am grateful to  have such an amazing trainer who not only knows his stuff but knows the best way to push me and help me get the most out of what I do. I just wish he'd stop with the split squats (or whatever theyre called I intensey dislike them... More then the rower!!)
Tomorrow is chest. I dread to think what we're doing but at the same time I welcome the challenge and as much as  it hurts I love strength training!! I have set my goals and plan on  working  my ass off to get there. Today is the first ANZAC day in 12 years thatI havent been drunk. I had two zeros with american honey but left it at that. There is no point wastingall this hard work just to wake up tomorrow hung over. Speaking of hardwork, the 2 weeks of killer cardio did wonders! We did measurements on Monday (even though I had done them 10 days beforehand) and it turns out I have lost anothe 9.5cm allover... WOOOOOO! We did photos and to be completely honest I am absolutely stoked with the side on shot... I'M SHRINKING!!!!
Before I leave you with the latest photos I would just like to take the time to let you know what ANZAC day is about and why it is so important to me.
For those of you who dont know, ANZAC stands for Australia New Zealand Army Corps. Anzac day is a day where Australians and New Zealanders all commerate the sacrifice made by the brave men and women who have served, died for and are serving our beautiful country. On April 25th 1915 the  ANZACs landed on the beach at Gallipoli and were faced with a very strong defence by the Turkish. Think of the boat scene in Saving Private Ryan, it was just like that. At the end of 1915 the casualty rate was 8,709 from Australia, 2,721 from New Zealand. 
ANZAC day is important to me as I feel that people tend to take the freedoms that we are priviledged to have for granted. I think they forget the priced that was paid. ANZAC Day is a reminder of the price that has been and is still being paid and the opportunity for the public to show their appreciation and honour those who serve our country. both past and present.
This was my 3rd ANZAC day on my own, my first with DH being deployed. There are no words that can express the pride I feel for my husband and what he does or the pride I have for my Grandfather (who served in the Royal Navy in WW2.). I am also proud of my friends who are over there and their partners who have so bravely held the homefront together with such strength and grace. You ladies know who you are and I want you to know you inspire me. I am proud to call you my friends...


Anyways I'm going to bed, I have an early start so heres my latest pics.. Before I forget if any of you in Brisbane are interested in making the same journey I am and ridding you body of fat forever message me as I have two vouchers for one free session with my trainer.... Best investment EVER!!

I absolutely love this shot! I'm SHRINKING!!!

All about the gun show baby!!

And the winner is.......

So results.....

Here are a summary of the results from the DEXA scan:

 Muscle +2.68 kg
Fat -1.75kg
Fat % -2.5%

I cant remember the girth measurements but I can remember I have lost 2cm from my navel...

To be honest, not exactly what I was expecting but I am rather chuffed with the effort... Not bad considering my diet wasnt 100% and the other factors involved like stress, not sleeping properly and a few bad food choices...

So this is something I am going to use as a benchmark to improve upon. Time to gear it up to 200% effort (or at least die trying.. LOL)

Once again I am so grateful for the amazing support everyone has given me. I am failing with words at the moment as I am rather tired from an amazing boxing session with the greatest trainer known to man D-Rok. I dont think there are enough words in the dictionary that could even begin to describe how much he has helped, motivated and inspired me.

Anyways I'm off to soak in a bath with a bath bomb from Lush then to bed to get up early for a group session at Newstead.... I'll leave you with the photos from todays results and will find out the rest of the info tomorrow..

It's all about the gun show baby!!!

The night before measurements....

I need to remember to breathe....  I cant sleep but I have to be up at 4:20 to ring Satisha for ou open shift tomorrow....
I had an absolutely amazing ICE session with Isaac this afternoon. He really made me work and pushed me hard. I am still stuffed 4 1/2 hours later!  We did circuit and hill runs and shittle runs. I really loved the shttle runs as we did boxing at each stop.... i did step ups, squats, jump squats, push ups (both off the knees and manly style!), star jumps um knee highs and I cant remember what else... I had a lot of fun and it as nice to have a one on one with a different trainer... (It was supposed to be group but noone else showed up)
Went back to the studio to meet up with Satisha and saw D-Rok. He asked how I was feeling about tomorrow and I didnt tell him that I have his awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. While Im pretty sure there will be a loss seeing it all there is kinda scary.  Last one showed I had more body fat then I thought I had .. ..
Tomorrow is a new day and it will either be a bench mark to work off or motivation to make me work harder... Either way things will get better.... 
Better be off for bed. Need some z's to help me clm down... Think skinny lean thoughts for me everyone!!

Two in one week!

Wow!!!! Big thank you to every single one of you for your comments, messages, emails and wall posts!! I'm completely amazed and so grateful for your support and encouragement! Seriously thank you so much!!! You have no idea how much it means to me! Reading your kind and encouraging words really inspires and motivates me to keep on moving on!!


I have final measurements from the MP 12 week body transformation on Friday... I'm nervous as all hell... The last time I went for a DEXA scan my self esteem and belief in myself was not only torn to shreds it was chewed up and spat on...  
so why am I nervous? I have lost something in the last 6 weeks...It's obvious I have from the clothes and body change. Well last time it was only 9 cms all over my body... Granted I wasn't as good and didn't put as much effort into it as I have over the last 6 weeks but my biggest fear is not getting a massive result from all the hard work... What if I am not going hard enough????
I have just under 12 weeks until Hawaii and I was also told by my Dearest Husband that he would walk right past me at the airport if I wasnt as hot as I say I'm going to be.. (Im pretty sure he was joking but it still kinda hurt..) Regardless of what the scanner, tape measure and scales say though a loss is a loss and this is only just going to motivate me to work even harder. I'm not going to give up on my goals and dreams... I have worked waaaay too hard to just quit (and I dont think my trainer would let me)
'Focus on the results you wont see the changes. Focus on the changes and you will see the results.' This was on the quote board at Prestige Lifestyles (the studio where I train. If you live in Brisbane and are looking to change your life  www.prestigelifestyles.com.au give these guys a call... Best thing I ever did was win my bid on 6 sessions with David and kept going from there.) so instead of focusing on the results, everytime I start to freak about the upcoming scan I think of what I see in the mirror, how much it has changed in the last 5 months. I think of how I can now get on and do up my american size 9 Baby Phat 3/4 pants that I havent been able to fit into for at least two years.. Not much longer and I'll be able to wear them with a top that doesnt hide the muffin top LOL. I can fit into my size 11 3/4 pants comfortably and am even starting to fit into other clothes I was going to give away... I know I can do this, not only because I can do it but because I have so much love and support how on earth could I not? :)
 My goals for the next body transformation challenge is to be able to bench press 40 kilos, leg press 200 kilos, go over 15 kilos for the single dumbbell thingamajig  and to add another 10 kilos to the current weight I do when I do squats 9I cant remember where I'm up to).. I also want to smash another 6-10 kilos of body fat and to get the saggy wobbly part of my arm to disappear. I'm sure I had more but there are so many I forgot them! LOL (D-Rock if you are reading this please feel free to remind me)
My biggest goal is to be on the beach in a bikini when I go to Hawaii in July... While I'm sure my mother will be running after me trying to cover me up even if its just boards shorts with a bikini top I'll be happy.. or even a tankini... 
Having a two week break before starting the next transformation so yesterdays session was a Fat blasting ICE session... Well thats what D-Rok calls it, I call it an attempt to kill Vanessa by heart attack session.. haha... Honestly it was awesome and while I gave it 100% with the little energy I had I think I couldve done better... being up since 4am didnt exactly help but I am going to use that as a base to work off... The only way is up isnt it? Tomorrow is group training with Isaac which should be interesting. I enjoyed the one and only group session I had with Isaac ages ago so it should be fun but I will definately miss Chopper... Fingers crossed I'm not doing hill sprints cause that shit be crazy after a long day at work! 
Anyways I best be getting my stuff together for work and training tomorrow, feeding my furbabies and getting some sleep... Hope you all have an amazing night and I will post photos and results on Sunday!!!

And it just keeps on going!! :)

Happy  Easter everyone!!!
I'm still around have just been busy trying to get myself and my house organised.... 
So today is the first Easter Sunday I've ever been alone in my whole entire life. While it hasn't been as bad I thought it might be it still sucks just a tad. I have  just spent an hour on the phone to my family which was nice but it made me miss them so much.  I'm hoping to hear from DH today but wont be sad if I dont. We said our easter wishes on Good Friday.. Isn't it funny how the things that drive you the craziest are the things you miss the most? Last year DH gave me my easter eggs wearing his stupid gorilla mask and so the legend of the Easter Gorilla was born... I miss that stupid gorilla... LOL

Anyway enough missing people and things, this week was the last week of the MP 12 week bdy transformation challenge. While I am a long way off my dream body I am still really pleased with how things are going... Not to sound vain or anything but I am starting to be happy with what I see in the mirror.... I honestly was doubtful that I was going to be on a beach in Hawaii in a bikini but now I''m not.... 

So I've been bad with posting pics so here's the pics from measurements back in Feb...

 And on another note... I decided to try on my Dereon 3/4 pants that I havent been able to wear since I got them.... Not only can I get them on but I can do them up!! Unfortunately I get a muffin top so theres still more work to go... My normal 3/4 pants are now too big and baggy so I ransacked my wardrobe and found my size 11 Baby Phat 3/4 pants... They fit really well!!! So here's a pic:

 I go for measurements this week so I'll post the results and photos here... I'm a little scared. Last DEXA scan was awful and I'm really scared of  what the results will say.. But I am not going to give up. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and achieve my results through hardwork and perseverance....  And I also fit into a size 12 dress from Dotty... (So it can't be that bad!!)
Hope you all have an amazing week!

I'm still here.....

I apologise for my lack of entries.... Nearly two and a half weeks ago the love of my love left for places unkown and may be some time ;) 
It's been a crazy rollercoaster since... Checking the phone at certain  times not sleeping until stupid o clock for fear of missing the call in the middle of the night... I handled the airport pretty well, especially for me who does not do very well with good byes... I cried.... I pretty much ran out of the airport in my Nine West heels and broke down a little in my Brisbane Mum's car but I survived... Despite feeling like a semitrailer was crushing my chest I managed to put my mask on and not only go to training but do it and laugh. Different story when I got home and rested my head on his pillow... 
Since then I have purchased 2 pairs of Peter Alexander pj pants, 1 pair of the pj shorts and 3 pj shirts. I may be lonely but at least I look amazing and am comfortable!!
Anywayso in the last 2 1/2 weeks I have realised a few things.. I've also proved a few people wrong.... 
Despite what the surgeon saying I would never lift over 5 kilos again or be able to stay in my job as of Monday I will be back on full duties and in a room.... Yeah take that Dr! P.S I can bench press a shitload more then 5 kilos!!! (Just saying!)
I have realised that I am stronger and smarter then I thought.... For the first time in my whole life I mowed a lawn after starting the mower first go!! I also fixed a fence pailing!! I've fallen apart but have managed to get back together keep working and keep training... Just because my life has changed dramatically doesnt mean it has to stop.
Training is going well. Had a little trouble keeping food down due to stress but  it's all settled now and I am also able to make it to group sessions. I tried Zumba but one of the nstructors singled me out and made me feel uncomfortable.. Today I dragged my butt to the studio and did a legs session... I'm actually impressed with how well I did :) Totally smashed it.. Not sure how many kilos but am so proud that I did an extra 2 reps... Wound up a little late to work so tried running but was a little jelly in the legs...
I had an amazing day at work. I am currently working on setting up a project to do wth the children. Wont say much but am very excited about it. After work I went to the group ICE session and honestly thought I was going to pass out or die... I still have absolutely no idea what got me to the end I just did... Unfortunately there was no phone call at the end of this session... 
I'm going to go and try to relax... I've accepted the phone wont ring tonight which really sucks but what can you do? I guess no news is good news :)