Back on the merry-go-round

One of the hardest things is admitting you need help. So on Saturday I took a leap of faith and went to see a new psychologist. I did another DAS test and scored extremely severe for Depression and Anxiety (no surprises there. My anxiety has been so out of whack I have been getting these god awful chest pains). Surprisingly I was moderate for stress (go me! I thought I was a lot more stressed out than I am!)
When I was first diagnosed with depression I thought that maybe one day I would be cured. That one day the depression and anxiety would be gone and I would be 'normal'. I honestly thought that I had turned a corner, that I have dealt with it, that I was close to the light at the end of the tunnel......At the moment it isn't so....I have been so caught up in trying to make other people happy and trying to be what people expect me to be that I haven't been very kind to myself. I have been doing a lot of negative talk lately, always comparing myself to others and always ending up feeling like a failure, a loser. I feel like sometimes I just can't keep going, that I'm not good enough and it really really sucks. Now I am sitting here trying to evaluate and plan how I can chase this black dog away but it seems like it just won't go....

On Saturday I also did my first ever Parkrun! Wasn't great. I struggled as it was my first run since January 28th and my ankle was a little touchy. I intend on doing it again on Saturday. Practice makes perfect right? 
After seeing a photo of myself from Parkrun and after the run itself, I am more motivated to work on my nutrition. I have prepped my meals (including salad and vegies) for the week and will sit down at lunch tomorrow to plan my meals, gym workouts and everything else. I was getting some good sleep but after having my band aids taken off to examine my 'wounds' I am having trouble sleeping again. Over the next few weeks I will work on getting rid of things I no longer use or need as well as organising the house the way I want it. I am also going to try and update this blog at least once a week. So to the reader that constantly messages asking for updates, Thank you! You keep me motivated! :)
Despite being in the dark place I am currently in, I am extremely grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. My beautiful frienmily, my friends both off and online and my Mum have been such a wonderful support, I honestly dread to think where I would be without them. If any of you are reading this, thank you. I don't think there are words that can properly describe my love and gratitude for you and everything that you do.

I've been down this road before...

Well it's been a hell of a ride since my last post.
I wrote down my meals for the last two days and I am shocked at how my meal frequency has dropped! Snap point. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to make the change I need.
Right now I am in shock at how far I have let myself slide and all I can say to myself is "What the f**k?"
I haven't gained too much weight. My clothes still fit but I don't feel as good as I used to. These days I feel flabby and to be honest I am unmotivated. What happened to the girl who woke up at 5am and had no problem dragging her butt out of bed to go for a run on 5 hours sleep? I haven't been for a run since Sydney. when I ask myself why I just keep coming up with excuses like "I need my sleep" "I don't have time" "It's too dark". In the end though, are those excuses REALLY going to get me closer to my goals?
So what's my game plan?
I HAVE to stick to the timetable I made up in my last post. To make sure it doesn't slip from my mind, I am going to write it up on my calender (which I am putting up as soon as I finish this) and stick to it. This long weekend I am going to get the house organised to where I want it to be so that the only thing I have to do is maintain it. I find housework is one of my BIG excuses for letting my training slide. I am going to utilise my meal planner and plan my meals for the week ahead. I am going to turn the TV and laptop off half an hour before bed so that I can organise my liquid and solid meals for the next day. 
My time management needs to come together so I am going to schedule as much as I can. Work, training, study, housework and REST time. Thank goodness it's a long weekend! I'm going to need a chunk of time to organise all of this! 
I am going to try and get measurements and some progress photos to start this off too. 
Training wise. I have been doing my FIRE sessions which is good. I have been working on my form and really enjoying doing my Upper body sessions again. I would love to have a training buddy to spot me for the upper body though, as I find I freak out when I go to bench heavy on my own. In the gym where I train there is nothing for me to drop the barbell on if I can't lift it back up which freaks me out. If someone is spotting me I would feel more confident. But that's a bridge I will cross when I get to it. For now I am doing well training solo. I have started using the leg press again which I absolutely LOVE! I am focusing on stretching more so that my flexibility is back up and that I can lift heavier. I am looking at breaking my leg press record that I set during my last session with DRok... It was 261 for 6/6. Today I did 140 with 2 sets of 12 which I am really pleased with. :)
Mentally, I have been in a weird headspace... I have had a few issues with people and even ended a very close friendship. My biggest regret was being spiteful after the argument. But what is done is done and I have left it as a closed chapter where it belongs. Sometimes you have to go through hurtful and terrible situations to get through to the bright side... The rainbow always comes after the rain doesn't it? I have been trying really hard to remind myself of that but today it just didn't work for me... My mind went a little dark for a moment so I forced myself to go to the gym rather than go home and wallow. For now it seems to have worked..
I best be off to get started in this new game plan! I will update again this week with my progress :)

My promise to myself

It has been 6 months since I stopped training with Lukey and started training on my own.... To be honest I am disappointed in myself. My dedication has dropped. My 'obsession' with getting my nutrition right has gone waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out the window... My running progress is um stalled.
I am very lucky. I haven't put on too much weight. But if I keep going, I will be back at square one before I know it and I'll be damned if that's going to happen!
SO.... Where to from here? Well I need to sort my shit out. I need to pack my gym gear in my work bag and go either before or after work. I need to get back on the wagon and stick to my nutrition rules. I need to manage my time better so that I CAN get my study done, my housework, my downtime and my Intense Cardio. I have 5 months until City2Surf and I really have to start pulling my finger out and get back into training. None of my personal records were broken by sitting on my big arse watching Adventure Time.
I promise myself that I will get to where I was 6 months ago. I promise to always keep going no matter what. I promise to always get up when I have been knocked onto my arse. There is too much for me to lose by laying down and giving up.
HOW am I going to do this? Well I have a 4 week rotation roster. The weeks I finish early I will go to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Friday and Sunday are running days. The week I start late I will go to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Thursday with running in the morning on Tuesday and Friday. Saturday will be a class or a different ICE session. Mondays are leg day. Wednesday Upper Body. Thursday will be Cardio with cross trainer, rower and bike.
Other factors I need to consider.... Sleep. Time to walk my dog. Household chores. Down time. Food prep.
I will figure this all out as I go along. I do know that I need one day where I just chill and don't HAVE to do anything. If I don't I eventually feel burned out and I won't keep going.
Better hit the sack... I have been rather ill the last week and need my sleep.... Night peeps! :)

You've come a long way babe....

I'm still here! Just plodding along getting myself together and trying to get back on track.
I am doing a lot better since my last entry. I still feel sad about everything and the few things that have happened since but I am so blessed to have been sent so many rainbows to chase away the dark clouds.
I have been keeping in touch with a lot of the paternal side of my family and I am working on my relationships with relatives I wasn't so close to beforehand. I have been in regular contact with my Uncle (who I saw for the first time since I was a little girl the day before Nana's funeral) and my Aunties as well as my brother and biological father. I have learned so much about the other side of my family and it's been really good to discover the other half of my heritage.
Work is going well. I have a very interesting and challenging class that keep me on my toes! I am happy with the other educators in my room (who I love and am very close to). We have our moments but the best part of a journey is the bumps in the road. It gives me the chance to grow and learn. Tomorrow we have parent-educator information night for my class and I am sweating bullets about getting up in front of people and talking. I have a fair idea of what I want to say, I just hope that I can say it eloquently and not nearly break my ankles as I tend to do when public speaking.... Send some good vibes my way please!
I had my birthday the other week. I honestly planned on staying home alone and moping but that was not the case. My frienmily threw me a surprise birthday bbq on the Friday as C couldn't be there Saturday and on my birthday we had a family bbq again. I was showered with so many lovely well wishes, videos,cards, calls and messages. My father even skyped me. The best was talking to my Mum and Dad though. They always bring out the big rainbows. I was very spoiled too. My brother R bought me two very beautiful Pandora beads for the bracelet he, Mum and Dad gave me a few years ago. My brother J sent me an awesome card that was so me, my father and step mother gaveme a beautiful soft bathrobe in my favourite colour, Mum and Dad gave me an away Panthers jersey (the last pink one ever!!!!) and my wifey and lady love gave me a QUEENSLAND PANTHERS MEMBERSHIP!!!! I could go on and on about my birthday, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I am so truly grateful to have such wonderful and beautiful people in my life!
Training is going ok. I really need to knuckle down with planning and nutrition! That is my goal for the next 12 weeks as well as getting back on track with my Intense Cardio. The fat won't melt away just lifting weights!
Over the last week I have been reflecting on how far I have come with the way I deal with my anxiety and depression. A few years ago I can guarantee you that there is no way I would have dealt with everything life has thrown at me that way I have and I certainly wouldn't be how I am now. I have my dark moments. But instead of clinging to them and allowing them to drag me down, these days I keep on going and look ahead for the rainbow. I have finally found a way to turn on the light!  I have a few friends at the moment who aren't doing so well and I remember what I was like when I was in the stage they are in now. If you are reading this (you know who you are) just keep on going. While there might be a million reasons for you to be sad there are a million and one for you to smile. I am one of them. Keep holding on and remember there are so many people who love you and you give them a reason to smile. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

For all the wonderful people who have been the glue that held me together, the bearers of rainbows, the light in the dark, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for never giving up on me, for giving me a hand up whenever I fell, for making me laugh when I wanted to cry. Thank you for helping me heal. thank you for loving me enough to never give up on me. I love you!!! xxx
Anyway I best be off. I need an early night and would like to spend some time with my furbabies while watching Adventure Time to wind down. Until next time :)

I am here

I apologise for not posting as I said I would. The day after my wedding anniversary my Nana from my biological father's side passed away.
While it was a blessing for her, Nanas passing was not only a shock but also a moment that has made me re-evaluate my views and decisions.  While I do not regret staying in Brisbane to look after my niece while her sister was being delivered at Christmas, I do regret not making the time to go and see Nana and Granddad. This is something that I tortured myself with until other things occurred.
I flew down to Sydney on Friday the 16th for Nanas funeral which was also Granddad Beckett's 92nd birthday. On the Monday morning I got a call saying Granddad had had a bad turn and may not make it. I met up with my Aunty C and Uncle M and together we went to see Granddad. To see my Granddad laying on a bed looking frail broke my heart.  We spent some time with him, said goodbye and left. You can only imagine my delight to see Granddad awake and out of his room for his birthday party.  My brother J2 (I have two brothers with J names so they will be J1 and J2. J2 is my father and step mothers son. I am awfully fond and proud of him even though we dont know each other well. He is a good guy and he always remembers to txt me for my birthday!) and I took Granddad back to his room when he got too tired and had had some of his birthday cake. While we were waiting for the nurse to put him to bed I sat with Granddad and talked to him about his day. He placed his hand on mine, squeezed it looked me in the eyes and smiled. Until my dying day I will carry and cherish that memory. I wish I could take that moment and make it into a photograph.
Granddad went to sleep that night and never woke again. He kept going though which is why I chose to extend my stay here in Sydney. I went to see him on Friday and spent a few hours reading him the paper.. I realised on that very day that the most positive section of a newspaper is the sports section. My Granddad learned on that day that his girly granddaughter really loves the Western Sydney Wanderers.
My step mum came and we chatted for hours exchanging stories about Granddad while I stroked his hair. His hair was silky on top but coarse on the sides. Granddad gave me a few moments of heart failure when he stopped breathing. But he eventually took another breath and I left with the hope that not only would I see him Sunday but that he would keep going after I left on the Tuesday. Unfortunately that wasn't so.
On Saturday I went to the city with my Mum and Dad who had arranged for us to have dinner at my FAVOURITE restaurant. Because we had time to burn, we went shopping in QVB  stopping at my FAVOURITE  shop (Victoria's Secret). Just before I went to pay for my purchases J2 rang and gave me the news about Granddad. Sadly, Granddad had gone.
I extended my stay and tomorrow we put my Granddad to rest with Nana. The blessing is that they are together again. After Nana passed Granddad saw her around so we knew she was waiting for him.... Even though they are at peace and aren't suffering, the effect that everything that has happened has knocked myself and my paternal family for 6. I have been trying very hard to stay strong and the closer it gets to the funeral, the harder it gets.
I do not regret staying with Granddad.  Not at all. Not one bit.  But watching someone you love slowly die and become a frail shell is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and that is why in a small way, I am glad that I didn't see Nana when she passed.
The positive in this is that I have grown closer to my Aunty C, reconnected with my Uncle M, met my Aunty S and her awesome partner (who will forever be my chocolate pudding buddy)) and have also had better communication with my father J2 and his family.
I am going to try to keep it together the best I can tomorrow.  I have organised an Australian native floral wreath for Grandads coffin and I have an Australian flag to go with it. I am still deciding which poem to read as I feel that the two I am stuck choosing between are both beautiful. I guess Granddad will be pleased with it....
so that is why I have been absent. I want to take the time to thank my beautiful family, frienmily and friends for their love and suppprt during this really hard time. Your love and support has kept me going and I am forever grateful for it.
I have still been training during this time and my nutrition has been ok. I will update soon but for now I need to get through tomorrow,  get back to Brisbane and then grieve properly while getting back into my routine.  Please pray or send positive vibes to my family. Thanks x

Here, there and everywhere... Filling in the gaps

Yesterday I set my goals for the upcoming year. While reflecting on how many goals I achieved last year, I realised that I have not been posting here and my accountability has turned to absolute rubbish. I have not been filling in my nutrition for my online coaching with Luke and my training has not been very consistent at all.
So I am going to try my hardest to keep myself on track and also keep people who are interested in my journey up to date. 
Last post I was preparing for my first ever City 2 Surf run back in 2013.  
So how did I go with it?? WELL I was telling everyone that I was aiming to just finish but I had told Rachael that I wanted to finish it in under 2 hours..... And finish it in under 2 hours I did!!!!! 1:59:45!!! Just scraped in and I am so PROUD that I did :) It was hard. I was nervous. I was so afraid of not finishing I had to stop and pee within the first 2kms!!! 

I will forever be grateful to my best friend and sister from another Mister, Peta  for taking the plunge and running with me! After finishing the City 2 Surf I felt invincible. So much so that in September I ran the Bridge to Brisbane without running  since the City 2 Surf! Again, I smashed my goal. Finished the 10km run in 77 minutes which was 2 minutes off my first ever Bridge to Brisbane. 

Now onto 2014....
I know I am glossing over but a lot has happened in the last year and a half. I am trying my best to make sure I dont skip the important bits though :)
We began 2014 in our new house. The lease with DHA on our old house wasn't renewed in September so we were packed and moved to a much lovelier suburb and house. I am so grateful to live where we are now. My neighbours are amazing and I have made some really lovely true friends.
I have hit a lot of goals training with Luke. I came very close to my bench goal of 50 kilos (a goal that I have decided to aim for again this year!) and have discovered that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was! My favourite exercises are Bench Press, Close Grip Bench (aka the T-Rex lift), Stiff legged Deadlifts, Seated Row, Squats, Leg Press and Assisted Chin ups. Least favourite is and always will be split squats. *blergh* 
I finished training with Luke at the end of September due to finances.  I couldn't afford the investment so I a now training on my own at Goodlife in Carseldine, Chermside and Wintergarden (Brisbane City.) I have dropped the ball since finishing with Luke but that is my own fault for allowing myself to use not having a training buddy as an excuse.
I have actually begun enjoying doing my weight training on my own. I plug my headphones into my ipod and just do my own thing. I need to workout a schedule that matches my rotating roster and allows me to get 2 weight sessions and at least 3 ICE (Intense Cardio) done while also getting the usual household duties and responsibilities done. I really need to get my license!
Once again in 2014 I used every fun run I did (not that there were many due to illness and injury.) to try and raise some money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation of NSW. The Everyday Hero page is still open for a few more months.. If you want to help me reach my goal by donating or sharing the link I would really appreciate it! The link is: https://give.everydayhero.com/au/ness-e-beck I am $227.50 off my goal!! Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me by donating or sharing the link as well as cheering me on every step of the way!!!!
I kicked off my running year in May doing the 8km Mother's Day Classic. Smashed the previous record and finished it in 54:04!

Next run was the City 2 Surf. I had a few challenges before my 2nd City 2 Surf. Two weeks before the run I picked up a sweet pair of orthodics to help sort out my plantar fascitis. I have to admit it made the run interesting and rather painful towards the end... I had blisters on the arches of my feet and the pads of my toes.... But I kept going. I finished it in 1:49:53. 9 minutes 52 seconds faster than my first year. I don't know what made me smash so much off my time... I rang my friend Diana just as I was approaching Heartbreak Hill. I was so nervous despite making Heartbreak Hill my bitch previously that I guess I just needed to hear one of the many people who believed in me to give me that boost as I was running alone this year... I ran up that hill picturing my parents and my brother R waiting for me at the finish line. I remember hitting the 11km mark. My feet were so sore. I felt like I just wanted to give up. So I sent my Dad a txt telling him I would be there soon. That gave me the determination to keep going... I hit the 12km mark  and then I saw Bondi Beach... I remember putting one foot in front of the other and saying to myself "I can do this. I'm nearly done. I can do this. Keep going." and switching to "You are a champ. You can do this." I'm not going to lie I also had all sorts of scenarios of crossing the finish line going through my head. It helped me ignore the pain in my feet. As soon as I crossed the 13km mark I rang my Dad. I remember yelling "DAD! I'm coming! I'll be there soon!" and my poor Dad trying to make sense of what I was yelling at him on the phone. As soon as I hit where the crowds were I put in the extra effort not knowing where my family were and if they were watching... My Dad got some video of me on his phone running around the last corner. I didn't know where they were and by that point all I wanted to do was cross that line and get to a toilet as all the water I had been drinking from my waterpack as well as the gatorades decided to hit me right then haha. I crossed the line and when I looked at my watch I cried a few tears of happiness. I was aiming for 2 minutes off my previous time. Nearly 10 minutes was a big shock for me!! It took me at least that amount of time to get from the finish line to my family... We then caught buses to the station and a train to the city where we went and ate at Mamak's!!! Mamak's is one of my FAVOURITE restaurants in Sydney! 

Just after starting the run

Medal number 2!

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think I have any complaint about that day! Apart from the blisters lol.
Well I have to go get ready for work tomorrow so I'll leave it here for now...  I will post again either tomorrow or the day after with  Bridge to Brisbane and the rest of 2014. I also want to post my plans and goals for the year so that I have it somewhere other than Facebook....

When one door closes another one opens and then you break a toe or two....

Things have just been crazy lately...  Since my last entry I was just floating along through my training and just generally letting things get me down. Nothing in particular but some really stupid things really got me feeling really down. I was seriously starting to doubt my own self-worth and everything I had accomplished so far when life decided to throw me a few curve balls.
The first happened nearly two weeks ago. I had had a crazy day at work and as always on a Thursday I was starting to get really tired. So I went to my session honestly not really wanting to. Since I had my phone on silent I didn't receive my txt from DRok and was just a little surprised to find him coming down the stairs when I got to the studio. He said he wanted to go for a walk and talk. Of course me being me I assumed the worst and my mind went into overdrive. Of course I was right. He decided that he didn't want to train me anymore because he can't be the trainer I need.Needless to say, that threw me for six. We went back to the studio and did our last session together which was legs. I smashed the female leg press record. 261 kilos for 8 reps. Was good to go out on a high. 

Looking back,I think it was a good decision. Not that I hold any animosity towards D-Rok, I never could. I will be forever grateful for how far into the journey he helped me get to. But there comes a time when you've done what you can and you need to move onto bigger and better things. I wish D-Rok all the best in his future endevours and look forward to seeing his business thrive. 
You know what they say though, when one door closes another one opens. The next door to open is actually something I'm really excited about... I had a meeting with Luke from MP last week and we discussed me training with him.Luke is one of the best trainers in the Metabolic Precision  program. There is an article about him in the inspirational trainers section. Click on the link and have a read... We sat down and had a chat and Luke asked where I was motivation-wise and I said a 6/10. We discussed motivation and how it helps with strength training and I have decided that until I feel that I am back up to 10/10 and have my drive and my 'why' I'm training I'm only going to do group training which is ICE. I'll also be doing some ICE training on my own as soon as my toes heal. When I'm back on track I'll talk to Luke about strength sessions. I'm really happy to be back at MP doing the group sessions.I've really missed them. The atmosphere there is just awesome and I absolutely love the people. I feel like I belong there. I am also looking forward to seeing the results from this part of the journey. 
The second curve ball came that Sunday... I broke my little toe and possibly the one next to it. I've never had a broken bone before so I'm actually rather distressed that it had to happen now and be such a stupid break! It hurts like hell considering how little it is and this will be my second week off training. 
Third curve ball? I may have to stay in Brisbane when DH goes to Albury. While I'm not going to give up without a fight and try as hard as I can to get home to where I need to be for me, I'm a little discouraged. I hate that I can't plan anything in my life without having to wait and see what DH's career and bosses have to say. I know that it's part of the life blah blah blah but it would be nice to have some sort of control of MY life. After all the only document I signed was my wedding certificate and I'm pretty sure it didn't mean I became controlled by the green machine. I'm not complaining just venting. 

Right now, right at this very minute though, I'm feeling a little depressed about not training and working. I've lost my focus nutrition-wise and I'm actually really embarrassed and disgusted with my food choices.  Over the weekend I indulged in pizza, curry, burritos and worst of all KFC... So I guess it's no real surprise that I feel like crap... I've been putting crap into my body...
 I am trying REALLY hard to stay positive I really am just a few things have me feeling a little um 'emotional'. Tomorrow I am going to try and take my dog for a walk. I'm going to do my weekly food prep and am going to stick to the nutrition rules of metabolic precision. I am also thinking of starting to record my food in my diary again. I'm pretty lucky, I don't think I've gained too much if anything over the last few weeks thank goodness for that. I need to get back on track and not lose all that hardwork... 

I would like to take this moment to thank all of the people who have been there for me over the last few weeks. Whether you knew it or not you helped me not go nuts and just listening to my blabbering saved me from turning into a big bawling ball. Thank you so much. Words can't express how much I truly appreciate you being in my life.

The trip to Newcastle went well. It was REALLY cold which was yukky but I had a great time catching up and spending quality time with my inlaws. I got two runs in and while I wasn't happy with my times I have to admit I am proud of the fact that I ran up all those hills and only died going up one ONCE!!! My nutrition wasn't too bad either although I did indulge in a few delicious goodies :)
It's one month and 11 days until the City 2 Surf. I'm not sure how I'll go but I am hoping to be able to get some training in before it. Peta is off on injury too atm so keep your fingers crossed everyone that we can heal quickly, get some training in and smash that run!
This month I am also doing Dry July in memory of my friends and family and friends and family of my friends who have died of cancer. The money I raise will be going to help Nepean Cancer Centre which is in my hometown of Penrith NSW. The Cancer centre provides awesome care for cancaer patients in the Penrith and Blue Mountains areas. This is the link: https://au.dryjuly.com/profile/nessharris. Please help me by donating what you can or sharing this link and helping me get the word out there.  I'm actually looking forward to having an alcohol-free month. It can't do any harm can it? :) 
Thanks for taking the time to read this and sorry for the sad sap parts... Peace out Rabbits and I'll post again sooner then last time! ;)


 

An overdue update....

I have come to realise since I have stopped posting and recording my food in my food diary I have dropped the ball a little. While I go to my strength sessions I have been skipping group and not doing my ICE at home. I have had many reasons for not going to group but aside from my work excuses none of them were really justified. 
I'm not proud of dropping the ball and I'm thankful that I havent seemed to have put anything on. After DRok asked me about my ICE on Tuesday I have been really thinking about things and have come to realise that I have let a negative attitude get the better of me.
A lot has been going on. We've left MP studio as DRok has decided to go out on his own and presently we are training at a studio which houses the old training company where I began training (just a different location).  It's closer to work and I am back doing the leg press (I did 170 kilos on Thursday :)) but I'm still getting used to not seeing Rach, Lukey and the MP crew. They are frienmily to me and I really enjoyed the atmosphere there. I do go back for the occasional boxing session though which I really enjoy. I am happy to be training at the same location as Satisha again (even though we never train at the same times) and it's nice to see the guys again (even though I have yet to see Sean..) It takes me awhile to enjoy a change in routine. DH has also decided to put in for a corps transfer. This means he will be going to Albury for 18 months. I have decided not to go with him and to try and get a relocation back home to be near family. While I have been blessed to have such wonderful friends and frienmily here in Brisbane, I have thought this through and have decided that being home near family is what would be best for me. I'm tired of always being alone (even though I know it is part of the lifestyle and I know that others have it harder then me) and I just want to go home. I feel it would also help with my mental health (which hasn't been too bad but recently I have been having minor meltdowns.) I haven't really said much about it until now as when I have sought advice and help I have been judged rather harshly and been attacked for my choices. So if you have issue with my decision I respect your right to an opinion but I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself. It's not like I'm doing this without putting a  lot of thought into it and while I may come across as confident in everything I do have my worries. 
Anyway.... What else has happened in the last 3 months? Work has been good. I am really enjoying working with my group leader and my class are just awesome. I absolutely love them! My nutrition has been up and down but that's ok because I'm human. I achieved my first goal of my list of goals to achieve for this year! I ran the 8km Mother's Day Classic in 1:02. Granted I was 2 minutes over my goal time but I had to stop to go to the toilet so I'm taking 5 minutes off... :) I'm actually really proud of how I did. Within the  first 2 kilometres I was freaking out and seriously doubting myself. I was terrified that I was going to injure my ankle again and that I wasn't ready. When I hit the 2km mark I thought to myself 'You're a quarter of the way through this. You can run 10km in 79 minutes you can do this....' and it was like a fire had been lit under my butt.. Whenever I felt like giving up I said to myself  'come on Ness you can do this... you can do this Ness!' over and over... I did get a few odd looks (I was saying it out loud to myself) but to be honest I didnt care. In the last kilometre it had started to drizzle and in the last 50 metres a song that I first heard in Foot Locker in Waikiki came on my ipod and just like that I was back there on the only drizzly day during my trip. In my mind I wasn't running in Brisbane I was walking across the main street of Waikiki and I swear I could smell the beach and the beautiful smells I have come to associate with Hawaii... The song finished and the next thing I knew I was racing two older ladies to cross the finish line. And my ankle was fine!!! It was really awesome to cross that finish line and see the faces of Rach and DH standing amongst the crowd waiting for me... DH had even bought me a banana which had been injected with Dark Chocolate... What a way to finish a run!! :)
Training has been ok.. I'm feeling a little unorganised and out of sync with things which I think is one of the reasons I've dropped the ball. I feel like I'm not working towards anything specific at the moment as we are not doing a 12 week challenge. We took measurements the week before last but I have no idea what the differences are between that and the last lot of measurements.. I'm pretty sure there hasn't been any gains though which is the main thing :)
I don't know if I posted the goals here but I'm going to now so I can come back and see them... This is the original status I put up:

Complete the 10k run in the Twilight run in March (anyone want to join me??) in under 80 minutes
Complete the medium or short course of triathlon pink in April (I'm still undecided)
Complete the 8km Mothers day classic in under 60 minutes
Complete the City to Surf in August (I really am not fussed about my time.. Who would like to join me?)
Complete the 10km Bridge to Brisbane smashing last years time of 79 minutes.
Anyone want to join me in any of these let me know!!!
I would also like to say drop down to 20% body fat ( at least), be able to bench 60 kilos, get back on a leg press and do 220 kilos, deadlift some awesome weight and be able to do 5 chinups in a row....
 Obviously the first two were unachievable due to my ankle injury (which is doing really well! I have had a few hiccups but nothing too drastic). I'm going to start training for the city to surf this week. I want to focus on distance and then if I have time work on speed. I'm not too fussed on time just really want to cross that finish line in one piece :) My best friend Peta is running it with me and is currently running 4:25 minute kms... Don't think I'll be doing that pace lol!
I went home without DH for a quick weekend nearly a month ago. My cousin Lloyd finally married his beautiful other half Kat and it was an absolute joy to share their special day with them. I have never cried at a wedding (not even my own) until that day... It was absolutely beautiful. Cold but beautiful. Kat looked absolutely gorgeous and Lloyd couldnt have had a bigger smile if he tried. I also enjoyed catching up with family despite my brother J being a bit of a poohead and really hurting my feelings... But that's what brothers do I guess...
Next weekend we are going to Newcastle for our niece's christening. It will be nice to attend a family function with DH for a change, although there is no way he couldve missed this he is one of the god fathers... :) I'm really looking forward to spending time with my in laws, spending quality time with them especially my niece!!! She has grown so much since the last time we saw her and she is just soooooooooooooo adorable !DH and I just absolutely love her so much! I'm also looking forward to catching up with Sez. She's been so busy with work and her new house that we haven't really spoken in over a month. Yet another reason t add to the many for my decision to move back to Sydney. I'm packing my training gear and am hoping to get a decent run in while we are there. Here's hoping I dont get chased by evil poodles or scary birds... hahaha. 
I'm going to leave this here but I will post again soon.  Peace out rabbits! :)

Just another Manic Monday...

Still on the couch with this stupid ankle so haven't been doing much training wise which is absolutely killing me. I am trying to hard to stay positive and focused on the things I can do but some days I just can't do it. I'm starting to freak out about putting fat back on. I'm really concerned that I won't shed the 9 kilos of fat that I promised myself I would shed by the end of this 12 week challenge. Right now I'm sitting here about to cry because I'm just so disappointed in myself.
I've also noticed that I'm starting to fall back into the old routine that I had when I lived in Newcastle while DH was in Singleton. I'm not sleeping, I stay at home (which can't be helped due to my stupid ankle) and I spend waaaaaay too much time on the computer. I'm glad that I have noticed it now before it became a massive problem like last time.

On a good note though, I have been spending a lot of time just chilling with my furbabies. Today we all had an afternoon snooze at the same time. Puppy on her inside bed at the foot of the lounge and Kitty on top of the lounge near my head. It might seem weird to some people but I thought it was really sweet. I don't have human children of my own to love so I love my furbabies instead. God knows how they are going to cope when I go back to work though... I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it. I also went and did a glamour photography session on Saturday. Angela and Jackie did such an amazing job, I can't believe that it's me in the sneak peek photos! It couldn't have been timed better either. Just when I was starting to feel gross and ugly I have been given this absolutely HUGE boost! Here's one of the two that have been put up:

A massive thank you to Angela from Grace Makeup and Jackie from Sullivan Portraits for this beautiful picture.
 

Can you believe that the woman in that picture is me??? I can't.. I keep thinking it's all a dream and that I'll wake up and see what I think I am... But when I pinch myself it hurts and I realise that I can be beautiful, I just need to open my eyes.

One of the only shows I watch on 'normal' TV came back yesterday evening and for once I can actually fully understand how the contestants feel. I'm talking about The Biggest Loser. I was absolutely shocked to see that a girl 10 years younger then me is only 10 kilos heavier... Talk about a wake up call! While I am perfectly aware that the scales don't account for much since they don't tell you how much is fat and how much is muscle, it still bothers me to be where I am especially after training so long and so hard. Another thing that bothers me is the reaction some people have to this show. When Brett got on the scales and was told that he was officially the biggest competitor, someone said "Shouldn't they just say you are officially the fattest fatty in Australia." I don't think I've ever been so disgusted in my life! I find it hard to get on the scales with only my trainer looking, they thought of doing it on NATIONAL TELEVISION makes me want to throw up with fear! I think it's brave and admirable to get up and do something like that no matter what your reasons for doing it are. I tell you what though I would totally do anything The Commando says (within reason lol) Tonight's episode was the first training session for everyone. I had a little bit of a giggle because it reminded me of my first session with DRok. While D wasn't a mean hard ass like Michelle, Shannan and the Commando, I do remember being made to go so hard on that stupid rowing machine I nearly threw up!  Seems I have come a long way since those days although I honestly don't feel like I've lost as much as I should've...
I have joined the shows site and have made a promise to myself. I plan on losing 10 kilos of fat by the end of June and I have promised not to give up on myself.  So no matter what life throws at me I am going to have faith in myself and my ability to achieve my goals.  Keep your fingers and toes crossed and watch this space!

Why hello there!

I'm still around but have ben so busy with training, work and just life that I haven't really had time to spare. And to be honest I have been rather unmotivated.
Right now I have been stuck on the lounge since Saturday night. I went for a run Saturday afternoon and wound up stacking it hardcore. Instead of doing the smart thing and going home I got up rotated my foot, walked it off and kept running. I ran 3k in 22 minutes but wound up getting home and finding out I'd stuffed my ankle. I went and saw a Dr on Monday and after ruling out fracture have concluded it's ligament sprain. It's been getting better but right now it's hurting like all hell. The dog has been so excited that DH returned home early from a bush exercise that she knocked and stood on my ankle/foot 3 times. I also did a bit of walking yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow the Dr gives me a clearance to go back to work next week!

Training has been so so... I kind of hit a wall at the beginning of the year after working my ass off and not getting the result that I thought I deserved. It was a little like the Hawaii goal all over again. I wound up having a chat with DRok and I think I have my groove back.... Being injured hasn't helped but I'm trying to stay positive and keep my nutrition up. I have noticed my belly shrinking a little too. 
So I'll post some progress pics. The first lot were taken on the 14h January in week 1 if the Transformation Challenge. The second lot were taken during week 6 on the 19th February 2 days before my birthday :)

 I don't know if you can really see the difference but I know I can... I stood side on and looked in the mirror just before hopping in the shower (something I don't really like to do as you can't hide the truth without a shirt and pants to hide under) and noticed my belly has shrunk.. I noticed some stretch marks on my tummy and before I let my mind go into that dark horrible place where I tell myself I look awful, I focused on how different I look compared to the last time I took photos (not that they will ever be posted here!) and how I'm starting to see the effort of all that hard work. I bought a tshirt from Soundwave two weekends ago and when I went into the toilets to put it on it was really tight... Since I'm feeling a little down about missing so much training I tried the t shirt on again and it fits rather nicely! 

On top of all this training news, DH and I were blessed with a gorgeous baby niece in January! She is an absolutely adorable little bub and we both love her very much. I have to say though, since she was born I've been VERY clucky. DH is probably thanking his lucky stars that I have so many goals (both life and health and fitness wise)  that I want to achieve before having babies. :)

I hope you all had an amazing start to the new year and look forward to hearing about your goals for 2013 and how you are going with achieving them... I'll post mine next time... I'm off to go wake my DH up and eat some dinner...  I'll leave you with this quote
 'No one has been defeated until defeat has been accepted as reality'- Bruce Lee

So keep working hard and stay positive! :)

It's that time again..

I have been so busy with work and training and just life in general that I haven't had the time or energy to sit down and write a decent post. I apologise for that..  I did love the messages I received asking about my next post though, thanks guys for taking the time to not only read my ramblings but to actually care! ;)

So where to begin?  This transformation challenge had been a crazy rollercoaster ride. I've had crap weeks, great weeks and mediocre weeks. I lifted weights even though my neck was playing up and felt so much better afterwards... I would have to say that moving studios with my trainer was the best thing I couldve done. Nothing against the old place but the MP seems to be a studio where I feel like I fit in. The ICE sessions are amazing and it's nice to have other people there. I'm being challenged and I have met some really amazing people who I enjoy being around and are such an amazing support! 

Yesterday was measurement day (da da duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!) and for the first time ever I didnt cry AND I WAS RELATIVELY HAPPY WITH MY RESULTS!!!  I know I'm shocked too ;)  Even more shocking is the fact that I am extremely excited about going to get my DEXA scan in 6 weeks!!!! Can't wait to see the progress % wise!! Things are starting to come around though despite the last two weeks not being the absolute best. Having DH home is taking a fair amount of adjusting to. It's thrown my usual routine out of whack and I'm getting really frustrated with a few things. But I guess that's to be expected after 8 months apart. He's flipped from being super supportive back to anti MP which is normal but a tad upsetting. Nevermind, my results speak for themselves. It's highly likely I won't be going home for R's 16th birthday either. I'm trying really hard to see this as an oppportunity to get even better results before going home and knocking everyones socks off but it just makes me sad to know that I'll miss out. Oh well, at least it's not his 18th.. I'd be walking home to get to that! LOL

So I'll post my measurement results and my latest progress photos. I've got to get to bed as I have to be up early tomorrow morning and need to get all my stuff together and go to sleep! I will do another post on the weekend about all the fun and exciting stuff I've been up to ;)

Back Week 6 8/11/12

Side Week 6 8/11/12

Front Week 6 8/11/12

My lovely lady guns, check em out!!! ;)

My measurement results.... Feeling good about this challenge!!!! Watch this space for even more loss!

Ignore the age in the last pic... My trainer likes to tell my efile fibs ;)

Everytime I see you falling...

I'm still here! The last week has been a bit of an emotional one for me and I've been trying to write a blog that isnt all depressing and sooky...
After pretty much sticking my head in the sand for the last 6 months things pretty much came to head on Monday when I was smacked in the face with reality. This last week I have shed a lot of tears, gone over things a million times and even at one point wished that I wouldnt wake up one morning. I know thats a pretty shit thing to say or think and I do know that I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life I just want to stop hurting.
I've spent a lot of time talking to some really good friends and getting some different perspectives on things and I have a fair idea of where I want to go. Let's just hope that things work out for the best.

Other then meltdowns, last week wasn't too bad. The next MP transformation challenge starts on the 1st of October so we're doing two weeks of ICE which suits me :) I did 3 boxing sessions and 1 session of shuttles. Normally I wouldnt have any issue but after being off sick for a week it was actually a lot harder then usual. Not that that would stop me. I'm really looking forward to the next challenge. I honestly believe that it will be my best yet and that I am going to actually hit my December body goal.  Granted I'm a lot closer to where I want to be in December then what I was for the Hawaii bikini body, but I'm going to hit it anyway :) 
I had a fabulous weekend meeting  new friends and going out with the girls from work afterwards. Drank an absolutely ridiculous amount of alcohol (Im surprised I didnt get seriously sick) which I sort of regret but not too much. The important thing is I enjoyed myself and it helped take a bit of the edge off whats going on with my head.

Today was a relatively great day.. My kids were really good, my boss let me out of work half an hour early and I got to spend some time chasing up another pair of workout pants. Granted a few things had happened to bring me down but I still have no idea why at the end of yet another awesome session I had to walk out and find a quiet spot to sit down and sort of cry. D being as awesome as he is asked whats going on and I gave him a very brief outline. That was when I realised exactly how much I had on my mind! A shitload!!! Am I slipping in my standard with my sessions? Is everything that is going on  worth all the heartache or should I just walk away? Do I really realise how much I am worth? Am I being treated as such? How can I move on? How do I stop this awful feeling in my heart? Am I going to reach my goals?  Why am I getting so sick when I've been doing so well with my compliance? Why do I get the stupid feelings of being a thorn in peoples sides? My biggest worry is that I'm going to forget how wonderful the people in my life are and that I'll slip back into the old and familiar pattern or trying to destroy myself. I don't want to be that person. It's been a year and a half since I was in hospital for attempting to overdose on sleeping pills. I dont want to put my friends and family through that again and I do want to live. Just sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just go to sleep and not wake up.
I have a week to pull my head out of my ass and snap out of this funk. While I've been going strong and 70% positive there's that 30% of that stupid lying voice in my head trying to plant seeds of doubt in myself.. While I have an amazing support network I sometimes wonder if they are just cheering me on to be nice and then I realise thats the bullshit stupid lying voice trying to get me down.  But like my friend posted on my status on Facebook
 'Every day has its ups and downs
You think you’re lost
You will be found
Most of us want the same old things
Someone to love
What it brings
I know it’s hard it gets tough sometimes
You gotta hold on, like a carousel
Going around and around and around and around'
I'll hold on, I'll get through this. I have before and this time I will come out stronger.... 

I'll leave with this quote from Albus Dumbledore which I often remind myself of...  "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light"
Next one will be more positive promise :)
 

I came, I ran, I conquered..

Hey! I'm not dead I'm still here! Sorry for the lack of posts. Life has been busy with training home stuff, finishing my cert 3 in children's services   (WOOHOO!!) and being SICK! (BOO!) I have been writing blog posts in my head for over a week I just havent had the motivation or time to do it! LOL I do have some really awesome news though...
Ever since I started running 2 years ago I really wanted to do the Bridge to Brisbane. Unfortunately my neck injury in 2010 prevented it from happening that year and my poor fitness level and weight gain prevented me from doing it last year. 
Despite being disheartened from my Mothers Day classic run I not only ran the Bridge to Brisbane but I did the 10km! And if I say so myself I think I did an absolutely amazing job! 79 minutes and 19 seconds!!! Pretty f**king awesome considering I had never run 10k before, didnt train for it  and the maximum time limit for my category was 85 minutes!! I also ran for 99% only slowing down between the 8 and 9 km mark. I have to say a very big thank you to the superhuman Rachael from MP Life transformations (the studio where I train now) for not only running by my side the whole way but for keeping me motivated and inspired with her awesome amount of energy (seriously Rach made it look so easy!). While I have every confidence I would've finished it I doubt my time wouldve been as awesome without her and I will be forever grateful.

Last week was a bit rough with me being sick. D has been pushing for me to 'rest' and I have been pushing to train. With the gains from last measurements not a mere memory yet, I am still absolutely paranoid of gaining more even though my food has been pretty good. (Despite the few drinks and a missed meal Saturday) I was feeling fine by Friday so I went to boxing (which was so much fun as it always is!) and pushed myself a little too hard... See, that and the not much sleep on Friday night put me back at square one and I am now home with bacterial tonsillitis. (BOO!) I've spent yesterday and today in bed just sleeping on and off and drinking lots of liquids. Food hasnt been so fabulous today and to be quite honest I'm not that worried. I figure as long as I'm still feeding ym body it won't do much damage. That and I cant swallow much except cold liquids (which was really hard this morning). A really funny (well for everyone else not me) part of me being sick if my face has just puffed up!!! I m talking like my eyes look like tiny dots in a big moon and when I wake up I have trouble opening them. To be honest after looking like this the whole day I'm finding the funny side to it despite my skin feeling so stretched out it's on fire. I will feel so much thinner when it's gone down lol. I dont think I'll be training much this week I think I've pushed my body too far and think it's time to rest properly and get better...

Other then that things have been rather uneventful.I'm going to leave this here and get some sleep..

It makes me smile....

Feeling a lot happier and in a more positive place this last week.. Have had a few things stressingme out but nothing really worth worrying about.
Thursday night I started the ball rolling to do the Bridge to Brisbane 10k run. I was hoping to join the team from the MP Life transformation studio but technology is against me so I'm going it individual (which is ok as I can just put my iPod on and run :)) . I have also decided to use this run to help raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in QLD. You might be wondering why I decided Cystic Fibrosis and not something like cancer (especially after my little scare) or even the heart foundation (which is also a VERY important cause to me) well, for those of you who don't know much about me or my family my Mum is one of the absolutely fabulous nurses at Westmead Children's Hospital. She has been there for a very long time and over the many years she has been there has looked after a lot of kids most of whom have CF.Over her time she has connected with a lot of kids and unfortunately lost some. It absolutely breaks my heart to see how my Mum's heart breaks when she does.  When we go to visit my Nana's grave we usually go and visit two of her 'boys' who never made it and it's really sad to think that someone so young didn't get to realise their full potential. So I'm doing it in memory of those kids and for those who have survived and have grown to be inspirational and wonderful adults. So if you would like to donate or spread my page online the link is : http://fundraise.bridgetobrisbane.com.au/vanessa_harris so far I have raised $160 thanks to the support of my awesome parents (who both left messages that made me laugh and cry), my baby brother and one my brothers from another mother... 
Sessions last week have been good. MP don't have a leg press so D is making me do an exercise which is similar. I don't like it but I'm willing to bet I'll be loving it once I have it perfected. I still dislike split squats (which unfortunately I still have to do). Can bench  32.5 for 10 reps so going up next week. Food has been good.. Well in my opinion it has been a lot better then last week but we shall see what my compliance is...
Group session on Friday was absolutely SMASHING!!!  Luke does boxing sessions for group on Friday evenings and has now won the title of  the 'most hardest trainer' which is totally wicked!!! I was more sweaty then usual and for the first time in a very long time came close to being sick. LOVE IT!!! At this rate those 13cms and extra kilo aren't going to be around for long. 
After a big night on the grog Saturday night I was feeling a little guilty and fat.. So I got out my 3/4 pants and tried them on. I can still get the Dereon ones up but not done and I still fit into the size 9 and 11 Baby Phats but the 9 is a tad tight. It made me feel a lot better :) My goal for the end of the next challenge is to ge into the Rocawear ones and actually get them done up. 
I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Here's hoping for heavier and correct lifts and an awesome compliance!!! 
Have an awesome day everyone!!!

And up I get again....

As with every other DEXA/measurement day I am not happy with the results. Only change is I would absolutely love to be swallowed up into the ground right about now.
For the first time EVER I have gains... I have gained a total of 13cm allover my body, 1 kilo of body fat and 1 kilo of lean muscle. The positive in this is that I GAINED 1 KILO OF LEAN MUSCLE WOO!
I just feel like all that hard work I put in before Hawaii was pointless. Ok maybe not.. I did look awesome it was just the aftermath that stuffed it all up... I've been struggling with staying on track and hitting the dedication I had before Hawaii. I just can't seem to get over the whole not getting where I wanted to be. I worked SO HARD and I was so good.. I put in everything and it still wasnt good enough.
The funny thing was I went into the DEXA place feeling optimistic even though my measurements were crap. I guess I can be proud of the fact that everything was pretty much the same. 

I've been running through everything I;ve put in my mouth (whether it's in my food diary or not) and I'm starting to see why it turned out the way it did. Peanut Buttercups (even though they were dark chocolate ones), Dark Chocolate overdose, Alcohol, Sausage rolls, High energy carbs outside a window (not alot but a few times), malteasers.... Those are definately the offending sins... 

So where to from here? I'm not going to lie.. I was tempted to tell D that I didnt want to do this anymore but if I'm honest, that wouldn't make me happy. I don't want to give up. I have hope and faith that I can lose those 13cms and then some. I just need to find my groove. Tomorrow morning I'm having a goal setting session with D. I'm kinda hoping that tomorrow will bring my old drive back. I just dont know why this is happening and it's absolutely annoying the hell out of me. I don't want to be like this. I want to be where I was before Hawaii with my eating and training. Noone can lose this weight and gain the muscle for me, I have to do it myself. The next transformation challenge is in October. I'm GOING to pull my shit together and win this one. I am going to lose that 13cms and more and that kilo of fat will be nothing but a distant memory. I will have that bikini body for summer....

So here's the latest progress photos... I'm trying to pick differences and see if I look as fat as I feel but honestly I dont see it... 

 As always it's about the gun show :)

 At least my bum doesnt look so big lol

 See I dont see the gains in my tummy (phew)

Why is it I always look squinty and asian in my photos???
No matter how shit the numbers are I am grateful to be on this journey... Thanks to my snotface for answering the phone listening and saying the right things...  You are right this is just a tiny bump in the journey... I love you xxx Thanks to D for putting up with my tears  and as always throwing the right questions at me...You are definitely THE greatest trainer in the universe!!! One day there will be no need for tissues on measurement day hey? LOL Rachael and Luke, thank you for the awesome chat today you guys are awesome and I love hanging with you guys :) I look forward to many more awesome chats and sessions with you :) and saving one of the best for last Sean, thanks so so much for making me laugh this afternoon... I'm so glad you have a muscley bum otherwise my poor legs would've been stuffed LOL ♥

Changes.....

I AM SICK!!! Well not so sick anymore the antibiotics seems to be kicking in and I dont feel like I'm going to die... But I am not very well.. Serves me right for bragging about not getting really sick this winter... I was lucky to catch in time before it became any worse!! I have a sinus and ear infection... BOO! I had Thursday off work went  in on Friday only to feel like I had been hit by a truck. I was lucky that we were overstaffed and that my boss was kind enough to send me home early... I came home and did a dying swan impression for about 30 minutes before getting up and making dinner. as DH has abandoned me and the furbabies yet again for 3 months. WOOHOO!!! NO MORE BAD FOOD IN MY HOUSE!!! NO MORE STUPID MAN VS FOOD SHOWS AND NO TRUE BLOOD BAN!!!!!  Not that I don't love my husband, I do very much. I'm just so used to not having him around that it throws me out and the furbabies love him the most when he's home...  Everything is now back in balance and I can focus on my food and training again..
This morning marked the beginning of change... DRok has moved over to an awesome studio over in New Farm. He held a morning boxing session this morning which I went to instead of Newstead Park with Jazza. IT FELT EXTREMELY WEIRD! Not because it was weird as it wasn't, it was just a big change in my routine and everyone who knows me knows how I am with change... Ironic considering DH's career and the amount of change it brings into our lives but then again I have always been strange like that... 
The new studio isnt within  quick walking distance from my work so I have to get a bus but it's not that far away AND the bus trip is actually not too bad (except for the dickhead driver on the 375 from the hospital to the Valley. Not only was he LATE he kept slamming the brakes, and stopped at the wrong stops!) I dont plan on buses for much longer though. This morning was enough to give me the kick in the ass I needed to go get some lessons and get my frikking license. Seriously I went off my brain when I got to the bus stop and realised I missed my connecting bus to the studio the worst part was one of the people at the bus stop was going to the same session!!!! 
Anyway, I made it in one piece and the session was awesome. I didn't pass out!!!! Yet another sign I'm getting better!!! I really like the new studio, it's a lovely environment to train in and the owners are lovely and are just awesome.. This is one change that I will adapt rather easily to :)  The only thing I'm sad about is that they dont have a leg press so the goal of hitting 250 might have to be shifted back and another goal for legs put in place... But I'll deal with that when we start another cycle. Speaking of MP cycles, I've decided that I want to give the MP transformation challenge a go. I figure since DH will be away I'll be able to focus 100% and be the machine I was when he was overseas. I'm also getting some ideas on what goals I want to achieve during the cycle. I know I want to hit 60 kilos on the bench press (was originally higher until I told D and we had a discussion on why it's harder to do extremely heavy weight on the bench (in other words he talked some sense into my crazy ass)) and I know I want to shed another 5 kilos of body fat. But I have time to think about it all so I'm not stressing out..
I have been putting together motivation boards for around the house... I have put one up in my kitchen and bought one for my bedroom. I then decided today I needed a bigger one for my bedroom and will put the smaller one either in the study or replace one of DH's paintings in the hallway... If it were up to me I'd replace all the paintings with photo frames or motivation boards but somehow I think that would get me in a trouble... Here's the one in the kitchen:

I absolutely love it. I have put up a photo taken when I got the Prestige Champion trophy as a reminder that I am a champion. Lately I havent really been feeling like one... I think I put it down to not feeling well and comparing myself to others (which I am not going to do anymore!!).. Everyone's weight loss journey is different and I have to keep remembering that I am so much better then what I was last year. I am fitter healthier (no chest infections this winter!!) and I am definitely stronger!!!!  Here's a progress shot from October last year until June this year:

 In the new studio they have motivation and goal posters made by the people who go there. D has said I should make one for the studio which I might do later down the track... 
I can't believe I've been back in Australia for a month today... I will definitely do a post on Hawaii this week sometime (I'm on holidays I have time:P)

Have an awesome weekend everyone I'm off to grab something to eat and do my motivation boards... Ciao for now!!!