It's that time again..

I have been so busy with work and training and just life in general that I haven't had the time or energy to sit down and write a decent post. I apologise for that..  I did love the messages I received asking about my next post though, thanks guys for taking the time to not only read my ramblings but to actually care! ;)

So where to begin?  This transformation challenge had been a crazy rollercoaster ride. I've had crap weeks, great weeks and mediocre weeks. I lifted weights even though my neck was playing up and felt so much better afterwards... I would have to say that moving studios with my trainer was the best thing I couldve done. Nothing against the old place but the MP seems to be a studio where I feel like I fit in. The ICE sessions are amazing and it's nice to have other people there. I'm being challenged and I have met some really amazing people who I enjoy being around and are such an amazing support! 

Yesterday was measurement day (da da duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!) and for the first time ever I didnt cry AND I WAS RELATIVELY HAPPY WITH MY RESULTS!!!  I know I'm shocked too ;)  Even more shocking is the fact that I am extremely excited about going to get my DEXA scan in 6 weeks!!!! Can't wait to see the progress % wise!! Things are starting to come around though despite the last two weeks not being the absolute best. Having DH home is taking a fair amount of adjusting to. It's thrown my usual routine out of whack and I'm getting really frustrated with a few things. But I guess that's to be expected after 8 months apart. He's flipped from being super supportive back to anti MP which is normal but a tad upsetting. Nevermind, my results speak for themselves. It's highly likely I won't be going home for R's 16th birthday either. I'm trying really hard to see this as an oppportunity to get even better results before going home and knocking everyones socks off but it just makes me sad to know that I'll miss out. Oh well, at least it's not his 18th.. I'd be walking home to get to that! LOL

So I'll post my measurement results and my latest progress photos. I've got to get to bed as I have to be up early tomorrow morning and need to get all my stuff together and go to sleep! I will do another post on the weekend about all the fun and exciting stuff I've been up to ;)

Back Week 6 8/11/12

Side Week 6 8/11/12

Front Week 6 8/11/12

My lovely lady guns, check em out!!! ;)

My measurement results.... Feeling good about this challenge!!!! Watch this space for even more loss!

Ignore the age in the last pic... My trainer likes to tell my efile fibs ;)

Everytime I see you falling...

I'm still here! The last week has been a bit of an emotional one for me and I've been trying to write a blog that isnt all depressing and sooky...
After pretty much sticking my head in the sand for the last 6 months things pretty much came to head on Monday when I was smacked in the face with reality. This last week I have shed a lot of tears, gone over things a million times and even at one point wished that I wouldnt wake up one morning. I know thats a pretty shit thing to say or think and I do know that I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life I just want to stop hurting.
I've spent a lot of time talking to some really good friends and getting some different perspectives on things and I have a fair idea of where I want to go. Let's just hope that things work out for the best.

Other then meltdowns, last week wasn't too bad. The next MP transformation challenge starts on the 1st of October so we're doing two weeks of ICE which suits me :) I did 3 boxing sessions and 1 session of shuttles. Normally I wouldnt have any issue but after being off sick for a week it was actually a lot harder then usual. Not that that would stop me. I'm really looking forward to the next challenge. I honestly believe that it will be my best yet and that I am going to actually hit my December body goal.  Granted I'm a lot closer to where I want to be in December then what I was for the Hawaii bikini body, but I'm going to hit it anyway :) 
I had a fabulous weekend meeting  new friends and going out with the girls from work afterwards. Drank an absolutely ridiculous amount of alcohol (Im surprised I didnt get seriously sick) which I sort of regret but not too much. The important thing is I enjoyed myself and it helped take a bit of the edge off whats going on with my head.

Today was a relatively great day.. My kids were really good, my boss let me out of work half an hour early and I got to spend some time chasing up another pair of workout pants. Granted a few things had happened to bring me down but I still have no idea why at the end of yet another awesome session I had to walk out and find a quiet spot to sit down and sort of cry. D being as awesome as he is asked whats going on and I gave him a very brief outline. That was when I realised exactly how much I had on my mind! A shitload!!! Am I slipping in my standard with my sessions? Is everything that is going on  worth all the heartache or should I just walk away? Do I really realise how much I am worth? Am I being treated as such? How can I move on? How do I stop this awful feeling in my heart? Am I going to reach my goals?  Why am I getting so sick when I've been doing so well with my compliance? Why do I get the stupid feelings of being a thorn in peoples sides? My biggest worry is that I'm going to forget how wonderful the people in my life are and that I'll slip back into the old and familiar pattern or trying to destroy myself. I don't want to be that person. It's been a year and a half since I was in hospital for attempting to overdose on sleeping pills. I dont want to put my friends and family through that again and I do want to live. Just sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just go to sleep and not wake up.
I have a week to pull my head out of my ass and snap out of this funk. While I've been going strong and 70% positive there's that 30% of that stupid lying voice in my head trying to plant seeds of doubt in myself.. While I have an amazing support network I sometimes wonder if they are just cheering me on to be nice and then I realise thats the bullshit stupid lying voice trying to get me down.  But like my friend posted on my status on Facebook
 'Every day has its ups and downs
You think you’re lost
You will be found
Most of us want the same old things
Someone to love
What it brings
I know it’s hard it gets tough sometimes
You gotta hold on, like a carousel
Going around and around and around and around'
I'll hold on, I'll get through this. I have before and this time I will come out stronger.... 

I'll leave with this quote from Albus Dumbledore which I often remind myself of...  "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light"
Next one will be more positive promise :)
 

I came, I ran, I conquered..

Hey! I'm not dead I'm still here! Sorry for the lack of posts. Life has been busy with training home stuff, finishing my cert 3 in children's services   (WOOHOO!!) and being SICK! (BOO!) I have been writing blog posts in my head for over a week I just havent had the motivation or time to do it! LOL I do have some really awesome news though...
Ever since I started running 2 years ago I really wanted to do the Bridge to Brisbane. Unfortunately my neck injury in 2010 prevented it from happening that year and my poor fitness level and weight gain prevented me from doing it last year. 
Despite being disheartened from my Mothers Day classic run I not only ran the Bridge to Brisbane but I did the 10km! And if I say so myself I think I did an absolutely amazing job! 79 minutes and 19 seconds!!! Pretty f**king awesome considering I had never run 10k before, didnt train for it  and the maximum time limit for my category was 85 minutes!! I also ran for 99% only slowing down between the 8 and 9 km mark. I have to say a very big thank you to the superhuman Rachael from MP Life transformations (the studio where I train now) for not only running by my side the whole way but for keeping me motivated and inspired with her awesome amount of energy (seriously Rach made it look so easy!). While I have every confidence I would've finished it I doubt my time wouldve been as awesome without her and I will be forever grateful.

Last week was a bit rough with me being sick. D has been pushing for me to 'rest' and I have been pushing to train. With the gains from last measurements not a mere memory yet, I am still absolutely paranoid of gaining more even though my food has been pretty good. (Despite the few drinks and a missed meal Saturday) I was feeling fine by Friday so I went to boxing (which was so much fun as it always is!) and pushed myself a little too hard... See, that and the not much sleep on Friday night put me back at square one and I am now home with bacterial tonsillitis. (BOO!) I've spent yesterday and today in bed just sleeping on and off and drinking lots of liquids. Food hasnt been so fabulous today and to be quite honest I'm not that worried. I figure as long as I'm still feeding ym body it won't do much damage. That and I cant swallow much except cold liquids (which was really hard this morning). A really funny (well for everyone else not me) part of me being sick if my face has just puffed up!!! I m talking like my eyes look like tiny dots in a big moon and when I wake up I have trouble opening them. To be honest after looking like this the whole day I'm finding the funny side to it despite my skin feeling so stretched out it's on fire. I will feel so much thinner when it's gone down lol. I dont think I'll be training much this week I think I've pushed my body too far and think it's time to rest properly and get better...

Other then that things have been rather uneventful.I'm going to leave this here and get some sleep..

It makes me smile....

Feeling a lot happier and in a more positive place this last week.. Have had a few things stressingme out but nothing really worth worrying about.
Thursday night I started the ball rolling to do the Bridge to Brisbane 10k run. I was hoping to join the team from the MP Life transformation studio but technology is against me so I'm going it individual (which is ok as I can just put my iPod on and run :)) . I have also decided to use this run to help raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in QLD. You might be wondering why I decided Cystic Fibrosis and not something like cancer (especially after my little scare) or even the heart foundation (which is also a VERY important cause to me) well, for those of you who don't know much about me or my family my Mum is one of the absolutely fabulous nurses at Westmead Children's Hospital. She has been there for a very long time and over the many years she has been there has looked after a lot of kids most of whom have CF.Over her time she has connected with a lot of kids and unfortunately lost some. It absolutely breaks my heart to see how my Mum's heart breaks when she does.  When we go to visit my Nana's grave we usually go and visit two of her 'boys' who never made it and it's really sad to think that someone so young didn't get to realise their full potential. So I'm doing it in memory of those kids and for those who have survived and have grown to be inspirational and wonderful adults. So if you would like to donate or spread my page online the link is : http://fundraise.bridgetobrisbane.com.au/vanessa_harris so far I have raised $160 thanks to the support of my awesome parents (who both left messages that made me laugh and cry), my baby brother and one my brothers from another mother... 
Sessions last week have been good. MP don't have a leg press so D is making me do an exercise which is similar. I don't like it but I'm willing to bet I'll be loving it once I have it perfected. I still dislike split squats (which unfortunately I still have to do). Can bench  32.5 for 10 reps so going up next week. Food has been good.. Well in my opinion it has been a lot better then last week but we shall see what my compliance is...
Group session on Friday was absolutely SMASHING!!!  Luke does boxing sessions for group on Friday evenings and has now won the title of  the 'most hardest trainer' which is totally wicked!!! I was more sweaty then usual and for the first time in a very long time came close to being sick. LOVE IT!!! At this rate those 13cms and extra kilo aren't going to be around for long. 
After a big night on the grog Saturday night I was feeling a little guilty and fat.. So I got out my 3/4 pants and tried them on. I can still get the Dereon ones up but not done and I still fit into the size 9 and 11 Baby Phats but the 9 is a tad tight. It made me feel a lot better :) My goal for the end of the next challenge is to ge into the Rocawear ones and actually get them done up. 
I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Here's hoping for heavier and correct lifts and an awesome compliance!!! 
Have an awesome day everyone!!!

And up I get again....

As with every other DEXA/measurement day I am not happy with the results. Only change is I would absolutely love to be swallowed up into the ground right about now.
For the first time EVER I have gains... I have gained a total of 13cm allover my body, 1 kilo of body fat and 1 kilo of lean muscle. The positive in this is that I GAINED 1 KILO OF LEAN MUSCLE WOO!
I just feel like all that hard work I put in before Hawaii was pointless. Ok maybe not.. I did look awesome it was just the aftermath that stuffed it all up... I've been struggling with staying on track and hitting the dedication I had before Hawaii. I just can't seem to get over the whole not getting where I wanted to be. I worked SO HARD and I was so good.. I put in everything and it still wasnt good enough.
The funny thing was I went into the DEXA place feeling optimistic even though my measurements were crap. I guess I can be proud of the fact that everything was pretty much the same. 

I've been running through everything I;ve put in my mouth (whether it's in my food diary or not) and I'm starting to see why it turned out the way it did. Peanut Buttercups (even though they were dark chocolate ones), Dark Chocolate overdose, Alcohol, Sausage rolls, High energy carbs outside a window (not alot but a few times), malteasers.... Those are definately the offending sins... 

So where to from here? I'm not going to lie.. I was tempted to tell D that I didnt want to do this anymore but if I'm honest, that wouldn't make me happy. I don't want to give up. I have hope and faith that I can lose those 13cms and then some. I just need to find my groove. Tomorrow morning I'm having a goal setting session with D. I'm kinda hoping that tomorrow will bring my old drive back. I just dont know why this is happening and it's absolutely annoying the hell out of me. I don't want to be like this. I want to be where I was before Hawaii with my eating and training. Noone can lose this weight and gain the muscle for me, I have to do it myself. The next transformation challenge is in October. I'm GOING to pull my shit together and win this one. I am going to lose that 13cms and more and that kilo of fat will be nothing but a distant memory. I will have that bikini body for summer....

So here's the latest progress photos... I'm trying to pick differences and see if I look as fat as I feel but honestly I dont see it... 

 As always it's about the gun show :)

 At least my bum doesnt look so big lol

 See I dont see the gains in my tummy (phew)

Why is it I always look squinty and asian in my photos???
No matter how shit the numbers are I am grateful to be on this journey... Thanks to my snotface for answering the phone listening and saying the right things...  You are right this is just a tiny bump in the journey... I love you xxx Thanks to D for putting up with my tears  and as always throwing the right questions at me...You are definitely THE greatest trainer in the universe!!! One day there will be no need for tissues on measurement day hey? LOL Rachael and Luke, thank you for the awesome chat today you guys are awesome and I love hanging with you guys :) I look forward to many more awesome chats and sessions with you :) and saving one of the best for last Sean, thanks so so much for making me laugh this afternoon... I'm so glad you have a muscley bum otherwise my poor legs would've been stuffed LOL ♥

Changes.....

I AM SICK!!! Well not so sick anymore the antibiotics seems to be kicking in and I dont feel like I'm going to die... But I am not very well.. Serves me right for bragging about not getting really sick this winter... I was lucky to catch in time before it became any worse!! I have a sinus and ear infection... BOO! I had Thursday off work went  in on Friday only to feel like I had been hit by a truck. I was lucky that we were overstaffed and that my boss was kind enough to send me home early... I came home and did a dying swan impression for about 30 minutes before getting up and making dinner. as DH has abandoned me and the furbabies yet again for 3 months. WOOHOO!!! NO MORE BAD FOOD IN MY HOUSE!!! NO MORE STUPID MAN VS FOOD SHOWS AND NO TRUE BLOOD BAN!!!!!  Not that I don't love my husband, I do very much. I'm just so used to not having him around that it throws me out and the furbabies love him the most when he's home...  Everything is now back in balance and I can focus on my food and training again..
This morning marked the beginning of change... DRok has moved over to an awesome studio over in New Farm. He held a morning boxing session this morning which I went to instead of Newstead Park with Jazza. IT FELT EXTREMELY WEIRD! Not because it was weird as it wasn't, it was just a big change in my routine and everyone who knows me knows how I am with change... Ironic considering DH's career and the amount of change it brings into our lives but then again I have always been strange like that... 
The new studio isnt within  quick walking distance from my work so I have to get a bus but it's not that far away AND the bus trip is actually not too bad (except for the dickhead driver on the 375 from the hospital to the Valley. Not only was he LATE he kept slamming the brakes, and stopped at the wrong stops!) I dont plan on buses for much longer though. This morning was enough to give me the kick in the ass I needed to go get some lessons and get my frikking license. Seriously I went off my brain when I got to the bus stop and realised I missed my connecting bus to the studio the worst part was one of the people at the bus stop was going to the same session!!!! 
Anyway, I made it in one piece and the session was awesome. I didn't pass out!!!! Yet another sign I'm getting better!!! I really like the new studio, it's a lovely environment to train in and the owners are lovely and are just awesome.. This is one change that I will adapt rather easily to :)  The only thing I'm sad about is that they dont have a leg press so the goal of hitting 250 might have to be shifted back and another goal for legs put in place... But I'll deal with that when we start another cycle. Speaking of MP cycles, I've decided that I want to give the MP transformation challenge a go. I figure since DH will be away I'll be able to focus 100% and be the machine I was when he was overseas. I'm also getting some ideas on what goals I want to achieve during the cycle. I know I want to hit 60 kilos on the bench press (was originally higher until I told D and we had a discussion on why it's harder to do extremely heavy weight on the bench (in other words he talked some sense into my crazy ass)) and I know I want to shed another 5 kilos of body fat. But I have time to think about it all so I'm not stressing out..
I have been putting together motivation boards for around the house... I have put one up in my kitchen and bought one for my bedroom. I then decided today I needed a bigger one for my bedroom and will put the smaller one either in the study or replace one of DH's paintings in the hallway... If it were up to me I'd replace all the paintings with photo frames or motivation boards but somehow I think that would get me in a trouble... Here's the one in the kitchen:

I absolutely love it. I have put up a photo taken when I got the Prestige Champion trophy as a reminder that I am a champion. Lately I havent really been feeling like one... I think I put it down to not feeling well and comparing myself to others (which I am not going to do anymore!!).. Everyone's weight loss journey is different and I have to keep remembering that I am so much better then what I was last year. I am fitter healthier (no chest infections this winter!!) and I am definitely stronger!!!!  Here's a progress shot from October last year until June this year:

 In the new studio they have motivation and goal posters made by the people who go there. D has said I should make one for the studio which I might do later down the track... 
I can't believe I've been back in Australia for a month today... I will definitely do a post on Hawaii this week sometime (I'm on holidays I have time:P)

Have an awesome weekend everyone I'm off to grab something to eat and do my motivation boards... Ciao for now!!!

Fall down 7 times, get up 8...

I don't think my ass has hit the floor as much as it has the last few weeks. 
I'm at an absolute loss as to why I'm struggling so much. Today I walked into work and my group leader asked (in a very nice way) "Have you put weight on?" I honestly wanted to melt into the floor and die. Seriously, I haven't been as strict as usual (I had a sausage roll TWO  DAYS IN A ROW LAST WEEK!) but my food has been pretty good and I've been keeping up with my sessions giving it everything I can despite not feeling 100%. Of course being a chick I then went to all of my friends at work and asked the question "Do I look like I've put anything on? Please be honest I need to know" I love my friends. They are amazing. Two of them said "No" and when I gave them my doubting look I got "I am your friend I wouldn't lie to you". R's response was what I needed to hear. "I am your friend and I love you but ever since DH came home you haven't been your usual dedicated self. You haven't been as strict with your eating but you are worrying over nothing." Those weren't her exact words but it was pretty close  and she is 100% right. I think that conversation, the 'breakdown' from yesterdays session and the tears after tonights group session are what I needed to get my shit back together.
So what happened yesterday? I went to my session and was all normal (well as normal as I can get lol).. D got out the rower and we started rowing. Then out of nowhere (and I seriously have no idea where it came from) I stopped rowing and told him that "This just isnt going to work. We need to figure out a new goal or something cause this isnt going to work." So instead of doing hardcore rowing for 20 minutes I rowed and we talked about what was going on in my head, why I thought what I did and if I believed that I would make progress because in the end mindset can hold you back. Not saying everything is 100% again but it gave me enough to smash it through the rest of the session. D suggested making up a motivation board, so in true Ness style I flew home, made DH drive me to officeworks and bought TWO decent sized corkboards. One for my kitchen the other for my bedroom. I then went through and started gathering motivational pictures I have shared, posted or pinned on Facebook and Pinterest. There are ALOT! I haven't finished the first one yet and I am thinking of rearranging it but it's helping. I'm starting to get my groove back. 
Today's group with Sean was good... I don't know if I was at my usual standard of awesomeness (Sean knew something was up) but by the end of it I was still sweaty and I'm pretty sure my eyeballs were steamy... I absolutely love my boxing sessions with Sean. We work hard and afterwards he and I walk along the waterfront and part ways at the studio (except tonight I needed a microwave) and we always have awesome conversations. I love getting Sean's view on things. He is really switched on and is learning so much I often forget that I am so much older then him :)  Between D and Sean I am very lucky to have access to such awesome trainers who are also frienmily (and of course Iceman and Jazza... I just spend more time with D and Sean :))  You gotta love a guy who doesnt freak out when a chick starts crying randomly lol.

So where to from here? Tomorrow is a new day. I have started my goal of getting my meals right and I am going to try and get every week at least 82% compliance (not that I'm submitting an efile or anything like that but I know what high compliance weeks should be. I did so many of them it isn't hard for me to get it right.) I'm going to finish my motivation boards and put them up. I have put the progression pic D made up for me as my cover photo on Facebook. Some people asked if I was doing it for attention or comments but to be honest I did it so every time I get onto Facebook I can see with my own two eyes how far I've come. Yes, it has been a slow process and it's going to take time to get where I want to be but I have to remember that it is a healthier and more sustainable way of being where I want to be. Rome wasn't built in a day etc etc. I also did it to prove to MYSELF that despite what the lying son of a bitch voice in my head says I CAN DO IT! I have gone from butterball to semi foxy chick so far, I can only keep going! 
Remember 

I am going to keep posting the motivational quotes and pictures on my Facebook.  I am also going to print and pu this quote on my boards

"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
-Anonymous

I thought I'd post a few of my motivational pics I found online up so that I can look back on them if I'm out and about.
I will not give up.I will get up dust my ass off and keep going. I will succeed and one of these days I will look back and laugh at my stupidity. 
Have an awesome night everyone!

A new week a new start

Ok, so I haven't gone nuts I'm still here and not in a loony bin. It's just been hella crazy trying to adjust to having DH home especially when he goes and does something crazy like BUY A CAR! Not exactly thrilled but am warming to the whole thing (have no choice it's name is Klaus and it has kicked Emmatron out of the garage)... 
So since my little meltdown last entry I have been living a roller coaster. Everyday I have opened my eyes and said to myself "Today is going to be a good day. I will get at least 6 meals in and they are going to be metabolically precise. I am not going to eat anything with high energy carbs unless it's in a window and I will eat every three hours" Sadly, it hasnt happened everyday like I have hoped. Yes, being sick hasn't helped but I also should have more faith in myself. I'm a little ashamed that I can go from 82% minimum compliance to where I was this week. If I had to hazard a guess I'd say 50% if I was lucky. 
Today I have planned a little better and will be doing my cooking after posting this. I could blame DH for causing more work for me and not helping but that's just an excuse. What am I going to say when there isn't a war/a course/ a bush exercise or some other work thing for him to go to? How am I going to go when he is home for longer then two weeks? Yes, he makes things difficult with the lack of support, taking up the room in my fridge and freezer and bringing shit food into the house but he isn't putting it in my stomach. I've been really good and haven't indulged to any level of craziness food wise but I'm not going to lie and say it isnt tempting. In the end I am accountable for my own actions and the food I put into my body. I am considering tainting all his bad food with something gross though hehehehe :)
I am also going to put together a pin board in my kitchen with pictures and motivational quotes and sayings. I am going to try (TRY being the keyword there) to stop comparing myself and my results to other people and to remember to FOCUS ON THE CHANGES TO SEE THE RESULTS!!!! I was looking at one of the weight loss pages on FB and started feeling really bad about myself. I thought about it and stopped myself... The conversation in my head went sort of like this:
'NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!
I might not have my bikini body, I might not have the crazy fast results alot of people I know have been getting but I am fitter, healthier and stronger then I was this time last year.... I can leg press 200 kilos even though I have a shit knee and I can bench press 40 kilos despite my neck problem. I can fit into a size 12 for some clothes but size doesnt really matter as no two companies have the same measurements for size. I may not be skinny but I HAVENT BEEN REALLY SICK THIS WINTER!!!'
Seriously this and the stomach inflammation incident have been the worst I have been all winter and that is the first time for as long as I can remember! Last winter I had a chest infection so bad they thought it was pneumonia and even tested for emphysema (I had 'quit' smoking to a packet every 4 days). That was some very scary shit I tell you that much! I have also come to realise that it has taken me 5 years to get this fat it's not going to just fall off overnight. I am doing the best that I can and am giving it 200% I even ATE BROCCOLINI! My eating is 100% healthier then what it was and my views on fitness and health have changed dramatically.
Training this week has been good.. Thursday was a killer boxing session with DRok and yesterdays ICE session with Jazza was AWESOME!!! I didnt feel like pasing out after either and was even feeling a little better until going to my friends 21st last night. A few hours in the cold night air has my nose a little runny and the second hand smoke wasn't too helpful either. Oh well nothing that keeping warm, good food and rest won't be able to fix :) I'm looking forward to this coming week as I go on leave the week after and it's my last week before DEXA. So this will be my hardest strongest week.. Gotta love those last minute pre-measurement sessions...

 "Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives." -Anthony Robbins

 "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to
continue that counts."-Winston Churchill 

. It's not how many times you fall that matters it's how many times you get back up and keep going . Believe in yourself! You can have a massive amount of people who believe in you (I know that I am lucky enough to have many people who do) but if you don't have belief in yourself what is going to give you that drive? People can support you but they can't do it for you
I better go do some cooking and stuff.. Have an awesome night everyone and thanks for your support :) x

A moment of craziness

Every now and again I hit a bump which sends me flying into crazytown.
Tonight has been one of those nights... It all started with me cracking it over getting more protein. I have been trying to get protein through the new setup on Facebook and it just hasn't been working. So my trainer gave me another option which is simple but I have cracked it because noone will give me a 100% guarantee that it will arrive by next Friday (which is totally understandable to a normal reasonable person but cranky Ness wants a GUARANTEE especially after the stuff around last time) So I look online to see if there is anyway I can get the protein I get from a store that isnt online.. Of course I cant which makes me even grumpier. So I go onto one of the defence partners fitness groups on Facebook to see if I can get what I want from the site all the ladies on there go to.. I scrolled through months and months of posts of ladies who have made amazing progress in such short time, one lady can do 325 kilos on the leg press, and they all look absolutely AWESOME!!! Definately doesnt help the grumpy mood or my self esteem.. Then the voice starts going on.. "You've worked your f**king ass off, you have been so good and strict with your nutrition, you have pushed your body through so much pain and for what? A little bit of shrinkage that isnt even that amazing... These girls look absolutely fabulous and havent trained as long as you... AND they are still having high energy carbs!" and the next thing I know I am thinking about just giving all my training up (which is hilarious given my previous post  and the fact that I'd probably die of training withdrawals) and crying my eyes out. Please keep in mind that this is only ONE of the stresses that has contributed to me being in such a crazy emotional state. I am pretty sure that I'm starting to get sick (although my body is fighting hard)  my nose is runny (although that may be from the crying) my face is burning and my throat is a little bit sore, I'm freaking out about the Dexa scan,  I am worried about my training and how I have not been able to smash it the last two sessions,I'm absolutely terrified of not meeting my new goal in the two year time limit,  (dont laugh at this one) running out of protein because I just freak out when I run out, a few things at work, Mum2 and pixie (cause I am worried about what this is doing to mum2 and I love Pixie dearly), not being able to sleep properly once DH leaves going away again and just being overwhelmed from all the extra housework I have to do now DH is home... Then on top of that I have three assessments due in the beginning of Sept to finish my cert 3 in Children's Services which I am freaking otu about failing. If I dont mean the deadline I'M SERIOUSLY F**KED!!!
*deep breath out*
In the hour and a half I have been locked in my computer room I have cried three times. I am thinking of going to bed and sleeping so I can see if I feel better in the morning. I feel like a bit of a raving loony right now but frankly my dear I dont give a damn. Noone is perfect and everyone has their loony moments. I'm just extremely open with mine.
I'm going to go order my protein the way my trainer told me to because it's just the easier option. If I dont get it by next Friday I will go steal a car and cut the heads off the people who have caused the delay. (I really like my protein lol) I have enough protein from Hawaii to see me through a couple of days and I can always pick up some temporary stuff from the same store here... 
Night all keep on carrying on 
Oh and I'll end this on a happy note!!

Big congratulations to Kand C on the birth of their very beautiful baby girl!!! I'm so happy for you both and couldn't think of two people who truly deserve to have their biggest dream fulfilled... 
And a massive congratulations to my brother from another mother B on his engagement to his lovely lady... It's such a pleasure to see and hear how happy finding the love of your life has made you. I can't wait to see you and meet your fiancee!!!

New goals

So I've been thinking really hard about my new goal.  To be 100% honest, I'm a little frightened of how high I'm aiming. It's a massive change and will require A LOT of work.. I wasn't going to post the picture up here but I figure what have I really got to lose? I've already publicly missed a goal and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Ok so I feel like a massive idiot and am a little worried that people were laughing or talking behind my back but you know what? If they were they obviously arent people whose opinions would really matter to me anyway. So here goes:

I got this picture from one of the many fitness pages I like on Facebook. While I'm not sure about being as muscly as this I do want something along the lines of this. It's going to be frikking AWESOME to look in the mirror and see my dream instead of what I see now. I've given myself a longer period of time to work on this as it is going to be a massive change. I'm a little frightened of the reaction I'm going to get when DH and the family see this. It's going to be interesting that's for sure... Not that my family aren't supportive, my family especially my parents have been amazing cheerleaders and have been in my corner from day one. My dramatic change in diet never ceases to amaze them and everytime I talk to my Mum about how my sessions are going I hear the pride in her voice. They just worry that I'm going to turn into this big muscly Arnie looking chick LOL.. I'm pretty sure that wont EVER happen lol.

So how am I going on the beginning of the journey to my new goal? Um I'm not sure.. I'm not feeling too comfortable about not doing strength training and I'm totally freaking out about not shedding enough fat during this acceleration period. I haven't been feeling too crash hot the last few days (although I'm feeling alot better now) and my meals have dropped to 3-5 over the weekend.I think it's also because I've been on the go doing housework etc.. Add to that the crap my husband has been bringing into the house. While I've been pretty good it's just really hard. I worry that I may eat something awful at night (I have issues with eating in my sleep.)  The worry and stress aren't going to help me though so I'm just trying to relax and go with it. I'm not supposed to be aiming for 100% compliance (thank god as I would totally fail!) and while I dont have to send my food diary ot my trainer anymore I'm still recording it so I can keep track. I should be doing a DEXA scan soon and I am absolutely dreading it. Not because it's an awful nasty thing to go through it's just  with measurements I always expect more then I get and with all the hard work and focus I have put in it would crush me not to get big numbers..  I guess I just have to breathe in, breathe out and accept what the numbers may be. I'd be lying though if I said I haven't thought of surgery but thats just a quick fix... And it's too painful and yukky. 
Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week and I am going to make it an amazing one. I'm only allowed 4 ICE sessions so I have two with D one with Sean and the Saturday group with Jazza. The results I get will be from the effort I put in so if you don't hear from me it's because I've killed myself from the effort.. LOL just kidding.


I've had a few friends ask me questions about my diet and workout etc and while I'm happy to tell you what I do I'm not a fitness professional and what works for me may not always work for someone else... If you have any questions at all go to www.fitterhealthierstronger.com and email D-Rok your questions...  He obviously knows his stuff look how far I've come....

Anyway I best be off. Got to finish washing up the dishes from my pre cook and get my gear ready for tomorrow. Have a great week everyone!


 

NEVER EVER EVER Let a doubter bring you down...

So last night I was talking to my Dh and he asked me what I had eaten for the day... I told him and he then proceeded to lecture me on having too much protein and how my body wouldn't absorb it so I would get a fat gut and that it's all scientific research blah blah blah...
While he hasnt always been the biggest fan or supporter of my MP journey and training I may have deluded myself into believing that he may have changed while o/s... Yeah no...  At least he is going to work the payments for training into the budget but that's about as far as it goes..
Anyway, the 'conversation' has been on my mind all day. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and wasn't happy with what I saw.. Today was a 'fat day'.. You know what I'm talking about.. A day where you dont see the mad muscle tone or the slimmer legs you just see a big round tummy that stands out and taunts you. Add one of ht ekids at work lifting my shirt and announcing to me that I had a 'big belly' and rubbing it like you rub Buddha's belly and you have a recipe for disaster thought wise..
I went into this evenings session fuming, but looking forward to working my ass off and proving my DH wrong... I honestly dont know what the hell happened but I wound up nearly passing out a few times... We stopped at one point and DRok passed me a shaker with cordial and dextrose (I swear to god there was no water in it) to get my sugar levels up and it did work...  I wound up feeling a bit gross later on though and I'm still mind boggled as to why... Despite feeling like shit and nearly passing out I have to admit I'm a little proud of not giving up... D gave me the choice of one more circuit with shorter rounds or stopping for a stretch...  I'll give you one guess which option I took :) That was when I felt like throwing up though... I had nearly finished my rowing round when all the liquid in my tummy made me feel squeamish... I took a deep breath and kept going though because (as I always say) "I'M NO WUSS!!!" (Not that anybody who isnt as frikking crazy as I am is.. You get what I mean)
The reason I am sharing this is because while having someone who doubts your ability can be a good thing, letting them get into your head and convincing you that they are right is WRONG!!! Never lose faith in yourself,  you'd be amazed at how far you can go when you push yourself past your limit.. For me it was this evenings session and push ups last night. I had a pain going through my right arm and chest. It was so bad I was nearly crying but I kept on going... I figured if it was a ripped muscle I wouldnt have been able to have continued and I'm pretty sure D wouldn't have been encouraging me to keep on pushing. (But then again I am starting to wonder if he has a secret agenda to make me the first victim of Death by Trainer... LOL Just kidding D.. We both know it's Sean's agenda :) ) 
I have a new body goal. I'm not going to share it publicly as I am still feeling really bad about not making the Hawaiian bikini body goal. Suffice it to say that I'm going to have to put even more hard work into my sessions and keep my food up there.... I've given myself a more realistic time limit of two years. When I start getting close I'll let the cat out of the bag but until then it's my secret. I dont need the doubters and negavtive Nancys bringing me down.. They already try now. 
Training this week has been awesome. I finished my second MP cycle and am now doing cardio. Monday was a mad boxing session (I LOVE boxing!) with DRok who is very lucky to be alive after making me push him across the room... Seriously I was going to kill him for pushing me back so hard!!!! Tuesday was group boxing with my dear new friend Sean. Sean is one of the relatively new trainers at Prestige but he is absolutely amazing!!! He is dedicated and passionate about what he does and I seriously see him going far in the fitness industry. I have a lot of time and respect for Sean, he did an absolutely amazing presentation at the last Super Saturday about himself and how he wound up doing what he does and while I liked and respected him before it made me like and respect him even more. He is another hardass trainer which is another reason I love him to bits!!! He pushed me so hard I crashed out before 21:30 and woke up at 6:30 due to my husband putting his dead cold hands on my back.. That is definately a big thing for me!!!  Yesterday was a circuit with D in the carpark at the studio.. Lots of running, skipping, push ups and BLOODY LUNGES!!!  Todays circuit consisted of rowing, bench press, row weight thingos (I'm tired), Stair runs and step ups with weights. A strong yet scary finish to my first week in 'acceleration'
I'm not going to group on Saturday morning as I am only 'allowed' 4 ICE sessions a week. At this point in time I'm a little freaked out and unsure of what to do with myself but I know that it's in my best interests to listen to D and he has the right reasons for telling me only 4. I plan on going back next week though and am thoroughly looking forward to it. Saturday groups are a part of my routine, I'm lost without them! LOL Oh well, I can use the time to update about Hawaii..
Anyways I'm going to go to bed. I'm tired saw and still a little queasy. I also have an early start.
Have a great weekend everyone and dont let the negatives get you down!!!!!

Here's to new beginnings!!!

Aloha!!! I'm still alive I have just had an absolutely amazing time in Hawaii and just as I was beginning to settle back into my routine and life at home the Green Mistress decided to send my DH home early... Yes, the husband is home!!!! He has been home for a few days and while it is lovely to have someone here, he is driving me a little crazy.. So nothing new lol... I'm just so glad this whole deployment is over and I can start working on things that went off track while he was gone. I have a few weeks until he leaves again for Sydney so I'm being really nice and letting him hog everything.. :)
Training has been going well.. Finished week 12 of the MP program so am now in the 'acceleration period'... Here's hoping I can smash a few more kilos of fat before going for the DEXA scan (dum dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!)... My food since my return has been pretty good and my body seems to know that the holiday is over...  I finally reached a goal two days before leaving for Hawaii.. I DID 4 REPS OF 200 KILOS ON THE LEG PRESS!!! Incredibly proud of that achievement although I was a little sore afterwards and had a bit of a scare with my knee...  Turns out I was worried for nothing though..
I will do a separate post on Hawaii this weekend. Things have been rather hectic with both of our homecomings..
I'm going to have to cut this short, I am absolutely exhausted after being smashed at todays ICE session with DRok and having an early start.. I promise I'll do a proper update this week!

Week 9 over and out...

So before I go into my week(which has been absolutely AMAZING!) I'm going to plug D-Rok's site.... Go to  http://fitterhealthierstronger.com/ and check out the blog of one of MY inspirations... I guarantee you'll walk away feeling inspired and will learn so many new things...One of the things that makes David one of the best is his life experience beating cancer...Go check it out... GO!!! ;) 

Sooooo Hawaii is getting closer and closer and my tummy is doing crazy flip flops... I had litte fit of over excitement the other night and ran around the house like a loon... This totally backfired when I landed flat on my fat arse and back in my hallway... Good times good times lol.... Finishing work yesterday made it even more real and I'm alittle frightened about how I will look in my tankini. I  tried it on again last night before putting it in my suitcase and I'm totally freaked out. I dont see what I want to... To me I see the big thighs (which are lilly white) and the tummy (which I will admit has shrunk)...  I am so grateful I didnt go through measurements before Hawaii like I originally wanted to.*sigh* 
Training wise (yes I am changing the topic) this week has been absolutely AWESOME!!!
Mondays leg session was pretty good. D made some crack about hitting my goal for the leg press next week and I'm a little nervous.... 200 kilos is massive but if we do go there I'm going to give it my best shot. I've already missed one goal and whats the point in having a goal if you arent going to try to achieve it?  
On Tuesday I braved the cold and  for an awesome ICE  boxing session with Sean. As always it was a pleasure and I see him destined for great things... Just dont forget me Sean!!! ;)Wednesday.... Well since it was my last Wednesday before Hawaii I simply HAD to go to the 6:30 circuit session which had my little eyeballs steaming hardcore and then my chest session at 4:45...  I think it was the first Wednesday in a while that I wasnt using stress or anger to fuel my session but I still did relatively ok 9I think)Thursday's back session was awesome!!! I did 4 chinups in a row!!!!! Theyre getting a little easier to do I just have to believe in myself.. I think my self doubt affects some of my training, for example, I can do push ups off my toes but when D says I have to do them I freeze and can't do it as easily as I can at group.  So when I come back I'm going to try the "I can do it" approach... Maybe it'll help??? 
I'm really proud of how well today's group session went... Last time I did a group session with Jazza I seriously nearly threw up and passed out... Today I was ok... Either he went easy on me or my fitness has improved a shitload!!!!  It was an absolutely beautiful day which made it even better! 
I've been really happy and relaxed all day, it's really strange... I have so much to do but I'm just cruising along not stressing.. I think I'm zenning out! 

I'm sure I had more to say but its just gone out of my head.. Oh yes week of the wedding I got 92 or 94% food compliance.... WINNING!!!!
Better stop procrastinating and get some packing and cleaning done... I'll post when I get to Hawaii and have some photos...
Have an awesome weekend everyone!

WINNING!!!

Thankfully the universe has decided to stop whipping my ass and give me a break! WOOHOO!!!
Things have started going up since Fridays ass kicking.... Feeling so much better... Not on top of the world just yet but definately alot better and smiling my guts out :)
Yesterdays ICE session with the Iceman was awesome as always.... Even though it was grey and rather cold the park was still beautiful to train... I went so hard I got a it felt like I had a big ball of prickles in my throat and I honestly thought I was going to throw up... For some strange reason when I did push ups off my knees (he made me do them off my toes to begin with) I felt like I was a machine that could just do it over and over.. I'm paying for that today though, my abs, back and side hurt... Next Saturday Jazza is taking group so I am going to have to make sure I get plenty of sleep as he's an absolute machine! Should be good to get such a massive ICE session in before Hawaii though..
So last night my Brisbane Mum stayed over and we went to go visit the lovely A. Since we were celebrating the return of Brisbane Dad we got pizza for dinner.. Yes! I was naughty and ate pizza and it was delicious!!! Not the best pizza ever but I still enjoyed it... I'm proud of the fact that I didnt freak out over it either but I was also starving and wouldve eaten a horse if it was put in front of me LOL... To be honest I was more interested in the people I was with then obsessing over what will happen from one non metabolically precise meal. There is hope for me yet! ;)
This morning I was privileged to accompany Brisbane Mum to the airport and be there for her reunion with Brisbane Dad... The perfect description of their reunion would be true happiness..  It really made my heart smile to see Brisbane mum so happy and I am so happy to see Brisbane Dad home safe and sound... I've never seen Mum2 run so fast either LOL... To the other brave men and women who came home today I am so proud of you and grateful for the sacrifice you and your families have made... For my lovely friends who are still waiting I hope that your time to wait at the airport comes quickly and that you soon feel the arms of the one you love around you. I am proud of you for keeping your shit together, staying strong and am so proud to call you my friend. The life we lead isnt always easy but you can't say it's boring :)
After Mum2 had dropped me home I had a quick bite to eat and went to Chermside to grab a heater, electric blanket (it's bloody cold this winter) and a few other items for Hawaii... I also decided to give finding a pair of swimmers another go.I have no idea what possessed me to do it, maybe it was the fact that I can now fit back into my Calvin Klein jeans that I havent been able to wear in YEARS or the fact that my newer pair of jeans are now hanging off me I dont know.... I went to go into the swimmers store and then decided to go into Target instead... I'm so glad I did, I now have a tankini for Hawaii and I scored it for under $20!!! WINNING!!!! I am going to look at bikinis in Hawaii depending on how I go.. We'll see... I will post a photo when I'm there....
Today has been a rather productive day. I have 3 nights worth of dinners and all of this weeks lunch prepared and stored in the fridge/freezer, I have got my housework under some sort of control, I have fixed a few technical errors with the computer and playstaion AND I put together my new oil heater...  My work uniform and gym gear have been washed so I will just pack them into my bag or whatever... I'm hoping that this is a sign of the week to come. 
1 week 3 days left until Hawaii... I can't wait to go and be free of the cold and lingering sadness that seems to stick to me here. I also can't wait to see my parents and brother. I know it's only been a week but I just need to touch base. Last weekend was too quick a visit and I'm really looking forward to experiencing my first overseas trip! 
 I got 92.3% compliance for food last week... Not bad considering I had a rough week and went to a wedding.... I guess it's just proof that you dont have to be obsessive, just consistent... For those who are interested in learning more go to http://fitterhealthierstronger.com/ and check out the awesome info and blog by the one and only D-Rok... Feel free to ask him the question you've been asking me as he would have the proper and informed answers...
 Anyway I better be off to do my efile and send it off.. Night! Have an amazing night and week!

I am titanium

Before I go into yesterday's events I would like to sincerely thank each and every one of you for the beautiful messages, emails, facebook comments, private chats and face to face comments on my last entry... They made me cry yes but it was really uplifting and just overwhelming to receive such beautiful , kind and supportive comments... It means so much that you took the time to show me support and send me words of encouragement... Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
So yesterday I woke up after an awful nights sleep (I kept thinking someone was in the backyard) and honestly felt like I had been hit by a truck. I looked in the mirror and had a flashback to Wednesday afternoon and just wanted to stay in bed... I got up and as always sat at my computer with my breakfast looking for quotes to start my day on a positive note. It was then that I pulled myself together and got my head cleared... Everyone stumbles on a journey, it's whether you get up and keep moving or lie down and give up that is whats important... I figure if I can keep on moving after 6 1/2 years of oppression, 8 months of being stalked by said oppressor and getting through the crazy shit that has happened since DH left for overseas 4 months ago I can move on from looking unpleasant in a bikini...
Just as I start to piece together after the bikini incident the universe kicks me so hard I wind up on my ass.  Seriously what the hell are you trying to tell me? Because I'm sitting here extremely confused and broken... What else do I need to do? I'm putting in 200% effort, I pass my days keeping on moving on and try to not let the fear triggered from the backyard prowler  overtake me too much yet it still isnt enough... I get knocked down, I get up and get knocked down again.. Seriously what the hell? Am I ever going to hit the point where I am good enough??? 


At the risk of getting yet another asskicking from the universe, tomorrow is another day and I will pick myself up dust myself off and keep on going stronger then before. I'd be lying if I said that no part of me wants to just lie down and admit defeat... Part of me wants to crawl into a hole and just hibernate but whats the point?? I have 1 week 5 days until I'm on a plane out of here and I can be free...  Hawaii is one of the few things keeping me from going back down the fun ride that is depression. But how long can someone stay strong for? There's got to be a breaking point somewhere and I am honestly scared of hitting mine as it wont be pretty... Anyways had to get that out.  Part of my new mantra...

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."~ Unknown

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterdays session consisted of back and chest... And instead of doing pull ups DRok decided to get me to do chin ups... I couldnt even do 4 in a row because of me and my stupid brain... The bikini thing has left me with alot of doubt in myself so it came as a massive surprise that I had gone up 5 kilos in my bench press! Watch out 40 kilos I'm coming your way!!!  Dumbbell single row was really hard but I got through it...  I'm actually a litte proud of my session yesterday with the exception of having to bite my tongue... When D told me I had gone up 5 kilos the first thing that popped into my head was the response "and how the hell is this going to get me into my bikni?" lol...I did keep my mouth shut though 
Tomorrow is group in the morning and I'm looking forward to it... I will be using todays asskicking and the bikini incident as my driving force to get me up those damn hills lol... I will also be squeezing in my ICE session from Wednesday in on Sunday... 
I hope you all have an amazing weekend and once again thank you so much for your support.. I better go to bed my eyelids are starting to close...  As strong as I am I can't evade sleep when I am like this lol :)
 

Keep holding on

So it seems the universe is enjoying kicking my ass savagely..  Today I started swimsuit shopping for Hawaii... Words fail to express how much it crushed my spirit.. The one thing I have wanted so badly and worked so hard for isnt going to happen when I want it. I was starting to feel good about myself and the way I look especially after the wedding and when I saw myself in a bikini I honestly just wanted to crawl into a hole and die... I'm grateful I had such a lovely sales assistant, she was so kind in her attempts to try and cheer me up... She even offered me tissues... 
While I am fully aware that it is not the end of the world and that there are positives that can be drawn from this experience it's just really hard for me.. I have tried and worked so hard to reach that goal and knowing that I havent met my deadline has absolutely gutted me. I have made so many changes, heck I even ate BROCCOLINI  for crying out loud! I have done all of this while working, running a household on my own and holding my shit together which isnt as easy as one would think... I have gone without sleep, I have given 200% and I have put my training before alot of things yet this afternoon I stood in the change room of the swimsuit store wanting to give it all up and just melt into the floor.. The old feelings of self loathing and disgust started to come back which made me cry even harder. The whole reason I'm doinmg this is to go forwards not backwards....
So I wound up arriving to the studio ten minutes late for my session and not being able to look at anyone. I think it's the first time I've ever gone flying up those stairs and gone straight to the bathroom to change without saying hi to everyone and or answering Jazza's greeting with my usual saying of "All the better for seeing you"...  I was so flustered I nearly flew straight into my friend S who is my sister from another mister... Of course she asked what was wrong and I just couldnt bear to tell her. For so many months now I have been going on about my bikini and Hawaii and I was worried about looking like an absolute idiot.. When DRok came to say hi I couldnt look him in the eye or even give him a hug. Of course he picked up something was wrong and instead of making me do chest we went downstairs and just talked... I tell you this much D-Rok is the greatest and best trainer in the whole universe.. We sat, he listened and let me cry without doing the usual uncomfortable male with a crying female thing... 
As much as I was thinking I wanted to quit, I honestly dont think I could. I have so much more to achieve and to skip training is something I just cant handle... I missed this mornings group session as I really needed some sleep and I still feel guilty... Not that I should, rest is just as important as training itself. I just have this insane fear of putting anything back on.... It's too hard to lose it!!! I also really enjoy training... I have achieved so much already!!!
So I am going to keep on going, I am going to get into that bikini and when I do get there it's going to be all the more sweeter because I will have this experience to compare it to....
But until then I am going to pin this photo and the burlesque one to my fridge because even though I may not have the flat tummy and perfect bikini body I have still made a shitload of progress and that in itself is an accomplishment..... I will keep holding on and staying strong because where's the point in giving up?

So thank you to D and my beautiful Brisbane Mum for letting me cry my tears and for catching me when I fell....Thank you for giving my the encouragement and support to put myself together and keep going..... I cant think of any words that can express how much it means to me x

 

Week 8

So I thought week 7 was hard..Last week had been yet another emotionally challenging week for me... 
Training was been awesome. I am so proud of how well I am doing. Granted I have had my moments of struggles (I lost my balance with the dumbbells in my chest session on Wednesday... I was so embarrassed all I could do was laugh) but all in all it's been a pretty good week... 
This week training has been a bit of a mix due to work shifts and my trip home for my Granddads wedding. Monday was legs and I really enjoyed it...Felt it for a few days afterward though!! Wednesday was my 6:30 group cardio circuit (which I just made it in time for) and 4:45 chest sessions... I love the early morning session its definately worth getting up at 4:30 for!! Thursday was my back session and I was disappointed to be demoted from chin ups to pull ups... While DRok had very good reasons for changing it I felt rather sad.. Oh well there's always next week :)
Friday I flew home. I landed got picked up by my amazing Dad who dropped me off at Strathfield and caught a train to Penrith... I tell you this much PENRITH YOUR BUS SERVICE SUCKS BIG TIME! Maybe come see how Brisbane transport do it.. Not one bus was going anywhere and there were about 10 of them there! So I caught a cab to the gym and did a cardio session with Mum and my Aunty Lyn... I am amazed that I smashed out 10 minutes on the rowing machine after 15 on a bike. I hate the rowing machine... I missed Saturday group obviously and didnt get time to do any ICE so I went for a run on Sunday morning... My aim was to at least run all the way up these two hills that I usually have problems with... I'm proud to say I smashed them both although I may have looked a little weird... I was yelling at myself not to stop.... Whatever works right? LOL
Today was the beginning of week 9... I had a legs session which was pretty awesome and ended with 170 kilos on the legs press... I swear it was easier last time lol... Not far off my goal of 200...I have 2 weeks and 2 days left until I get on that plane and I'm really starting to freak out... While I'm extremely pleased with how I'm progressing my tummy isnt where I want to be... I dont think I'll be on that beach in a bikini and it's alittle disheartening, Not that I'm giving up, I've worked damned hard to get where I am I'm just disappointed that everything I have put into this isnt enough....  I guess all I can do is my best and see how I go :)
I will write a proper entry later on in the week... I am tired  after such a big weekend and the emotional rollercoaster that has ensued and need to get my gear ready and head to bed...
Ill post some photos of my amazing outfit and family next time 
Night xx

I can see the finish line...

Wow. Week 7 is well and truly over and man has it been a hard one! I feel like I've been on the wildest emotional rollercoaster ever! The crappiest part about it is that not only did I let it get me down and wound up not only having two days off work sick (it made me physically ill too)but nearly crying in the middle of my legs session on Monday. Embarrassment much? Good thing I can hold my shit together..
Anyway all things aside I made it through another week and did pretty well with my food with the exception of a tiny slice of chocolate cake. Yes I had chocolate cake. Delicious gluten free chocolate cake...  As much as I enjoyed it I was so overcome with guilt I seriously considered sticking my fingers down my throat and throwing it up. Fortunately I caught myself and mentally slapped myself in the head.. It's easy to stick your fingers down your throat and purge yourself but in the end not only are you ruining the hard work you're putting everything into but you're taking the easy quick fix solution and since when has that been either healthy or successful? Then there's the fact that it's a bulimic tendency and that is so not my thing at all... The reason I am sharing this (which is extremely hard for me, I'm not proud of my moment of stupidity) is that there is a fine line between dedication and crazy obsession. I have 3 weeks and 3 days until I fly out to Hawaii and I am putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to get into that bikini. I am putting everything I can into my training and my food (although this week I havent gotten in as many meals as I normally do). I am aiming to get 100% compliance which isnt as easy as I thought it would be. I have hit 100 once this cycle but have mainly been in the 80's.In the quest to hit that 100% I am forgetting that the important part of life is to LIVE!!!  I'm not going to be '25' forever (although I plan on it for atleast another year LOL) so where is the harm in a little slice of chocolate cake or a lovely Wild Turkey American Honey and coke Zero? As long as it's an occasional thing and I'm consistent where is the harm in enjoying it? I don't want to be 80 years old looking back on my life and regretting all the things I missed just because I was obsessed with getting into that bikini. So the chocolate cake stayed and is on my food file which I have to finish completing and send to D-Rok. Fingers crossed I can at least hit 90% as I got 94.2 last week....
Training this week has been good. Legs went well, boxing this week nearly killed me, I started attending a group circuit session which was awesome and I went up on weights for chest. I can now bench press 32 kilos!!!! WINNING!!!! :D My back session was good. For the second week in a row I did chin ups.Yes I do chin ups now! Still need to work on my form but I'm secretly (well now not so secretly) pleased that I can do them even though they are insanely hard! Saturday's ICE session with the Iceman was awesome as always and I am starting to enjoy those hill sprints... I did 4 (I think?) and ran all the way up for 3 of them. The last one my legs were screaming for mercy and I stopped just shy of the top. I'm not looking forward to missing next Saturdays ICE session but  I will be substituting it with running up a massive hill near my Mums house and around the suburb where she lives. So should any of my friends in the area see me running around GP feel free to wait for me at the Gloria Jeans at the shops, no doubt I'll be hammered by then and may need to stop for water LOL... 
Week 8 starts tomorrow and I am looking forward to kicking it's ass! I can't believe I'm so close to the finish line... There's a group circuit at 6:30 in the morning that normally I cant attend due to work but I dont know if I can make it due to public holiday timetable so I might just go for a run around my suburb in the morning. I love running. I'm absolutely shit at it but when I run I feel free. I put my ipod on and just lose myself to the music. I seem to find alot of solutions when I run, it's like it clears my mind and helps me put it all into perspective.. I've also got to start  training for the Bridge to Brisbane. The Iceman has promised me that he's doing the 10k so I dont want to die or go through the pain I did for the Mothers Day classic..
This week I am also going home for the weekend. My Granddad is getting married so I am putting on my beautiful Diana Ferrari dress that I bought today and getting fully dolled up for it.. I'll post pictures when I get back :)
Week after next I am going to start looking at bikinis for Hawaii... I'm totally freaking out. Today's experience of trying on dresses has made me a little nervous but I'm going to go for it. “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” and I dont think it can get any worse then trying on clothes that were obviously designed for stick people. Seriously when are these clothes designers going to realise that not all women are stick thin with no shape or boobs???  Cant wait to go to Hawaii and go shopping there! Will be nice to get into a dress that my boobs will fit into or that my arms can fit through (seriously THEY ARENT THAT BIG!!). Will post photos if I'm feeling brave. For now I will post two photos that give me the WOW factor... The first picture was taken in September 2011 at a fairy party. This was before I started my life changing MP journey with D-Rok and the amazing people at Prestige Lifestyles.

 Pretty scary huh? The next photo was taken last Saturday at a friends Burlesque themed birthday party...  I look at this and cant get over how much I've changed... My arms, my face, my legs and my whole body really... Granted I'm in a corset but my body has changed so much since those days....

 Anyway I hope everyone has an amazing week and enjoy your public holiday Monday!!! :)